How do *other* people do this?

[mandykittie]

I'm just so confused.  It seems like I must've been born with two picky sleepers who get overtired in a flash and need a bit of coaxing to nod off.   I'm just wondering how everyone else handles sleep!  I know my friends don't spend as much time on this as I do, don't read book after book looking for help, spend time on the BW message boards trying to find a solution  :roll: ... When I ask, though, they say something like: "Oh, she just sleeps when she's tired" or "I always just laid him down after a feed and he'd drift off...did I mention that he was sleeping through at six weeks?"  and claim that they didn't do anything special. 
So here's my question...what do "normal" people do to teach their kids to sleep?  Do they just not care?  Do they leave them to cry as day old newborns?  Are their babies different than mine?
I hope this doesn't sound like just a rant...I really need to know!
Thanks!
Amanda

[me and bean]

oh my god...  before bw...  i used to bf and let him fall asleep there, wait for 20mins (cause i figured out then he was pretty much waaaaaaay under by then), then smuggle him into bed.

THEN...  i got him addicted to the bouncy seat :roll: and would again, wait for the deep sleep, and sneakily transfer him to bed.

oh, and, every time he cried i thought he was hungry, so i fed him, and that of course led to overtiredness... then more crying...  so i would fed him :shock:

he could never put himself to sleep till we discovered bw at around 3 months.

[mthyne]

Amanda
 Have you ever noticed that all other peoples' children are perfect when you have cocerns or questions about yours?  I'm the exact same way.  I've read the books, scoured the internet, joined websites, etc.  I figured out, though, that no one remembers what there little ones did before 3 months of age.  They'll tell you about the great sleeping and eating habits their children had, but if you push them for other details you find out that all these things happened when their children were older.  I think you just block out the frustrating times!

Anyway, I have a 4-year old that was an incredibly fussy baby (I didn't forget!), and a 10-week old that is going through some weird growth spurt/cold/possibly teething/cranky thing.  Right now I focus on night sleep, and put him wherever he is comfortable for naps on that day (sometimes it's the crib, bouncer, couch, swing, car seat).  I'm just trying to make sure he gets enough sleep during the day so he'll rest well at night.  At about 4-5 months is when I'll really focus on naps (they say that's when day-sleep makes more sense to babies).  That's what I did with my older one (before 5 months she only napped in the swing!), and it worked out fine. 

I always feel a little frustrated because my baby isn't "perfect" or "easy" (if you miss his nap window--watch out!), but I'm convinced that people who say their babies were have blocked it all out!

I don't know if I gave you any good info, but realize I'm there with you!
Melissa

[Jaime]

i think some people just get lucky - their babies really DO start to sleep really easily.... and i think most people just don't remember what the early days were like.  :wink:

and i believe that some people are just naturally baby whisperers - even if they've never heard the term before - they just take to this parenting thing very naturally. 

of course, most of us (myself included!) do need to research & read everything we can to learn what we're doing!  thankfully there's so many of us here that we have an entire network of support & ideas! 

[rebecca-isabella mum]

I believe that there are babies who need routines and babies who just go with the flow! 

My DD Isabella definatley needed a routine. From about 3 weeks she started to cry from 6 til 10. doctors and HV told me it was colic and i just had to deal with it. It really got me down so i brought BW and never looked back. I discovered that infact she didnt have colic but was a very very spirited baby who needed a routine, a set bedtime and plenty of naps thgroughout the day.

My cousins baby on the other hand who is 7weeks older that my DD is an angel baby and will sleep anywhere! He is so good and never needed a routine (she is so lucky!!) But my best friend has just had a baby and when i ask how he is she always says he is so good. When i go round to see her though he always seems to be crying so she constantly feeds him but its so clear that he is over tired not hungry! I told her about putting him on easy but she said that she wants him to be 'flexible' around her  :roll:

[Eden's Mum]

I have noticed that this happens too, but it is a false impression that these other people have no problems. Some people don't worry about it as much as others. It is only a problem if it bothers you and some people are quite happy to do endless soothing. Also people have very short memories and as soon as everything is oging well forget the stress it took to get there. Even when you find someone who genuinely has an easy time there are things they have sruggled with.

case in point is a friend of mine who claims that both ds's slept throught he night by 10 weeks and just did their routines which included 2hour naps. She claimed that if they woke she didn't do anything beacuse they could sooth themsleves. Now this was true, but she did actually go to them quite alot as she was scard one would wake the other. She did have problems with early mroning waking as ds1 would get out of bed and come and get in thiers. She had massive problms with eating as neither of them would eat more than a couple of mouthfuls at any meal. So if ever i was lamenting that sleep wasn't working it felt like she had these perfect children that could do no worng or that she was this perfect mother and i was a nerotic nightmare but in fact if you looked closely enough you could see that she ahd her issues too.

To get mine to sleep with number 1 i was up and down all night for 18 months ( accidental parenting ish, but did follow lots of advice too) until i decided to use cry it out which took one night  :shock:  and from then on we have been ok. now i could leave it there but if i finish the story you will see it wasn't that simple. previous to that we had actually taught him to go to sleep on his own it was waking suring the night ath was a probelm. we had left him to cry in the day during naps before then so he was used to it. we only gave him water when we went in any way and never talked to him of lifted him up so leaving him to cry wasn't a huge cold turkey type ordeal  Also by saying it was all ok from then on i miss out that he gets up now that we have had ds2 and we have to mess about to get him back to bed, he also has nightmare quite regularly and bed wetting is an issue. We are not worried about any of this so it isn't a problem but ds is hardly in a coma for the full 12 hours he is in his room for!!!!!

with ds2 i have left him from the start. Not full scale screaming until he is asleep but we were able to ignore fussing and time how long he cried for to get an idea of what he would do and as a result he has got it sorted quickly but if you were to look up all the posts by me you would see that it hasn't been that easy.

i have waffled on but i am really saying that all htose other people have problems too. they jsut have neglected to tell you about them!

[milliesmaw]

I posted something similar recently after my DH told me that all his 14 year old son had needed was a cuddle and his mobile and that was him off to sleep :roll:

My DD I think was quite laid back during the day but was difficult at night. I think she had a problem with naps but she didn't get grisly or overtired so it wasn't a problem for me, I just didn't really bother. I just concentrated on the nights. When i went back to work I was still getting up twice at night to feed and it felt hellish at the time but now of course - the memory has faded.

My DS is completely different. He too started crying endlessly at week 3 and I too was told by Health visitor that it was colic. But I knew that he hadn't slept so it was overtiredness. When I explained that to the health visitor later she looked at me like I was mad!

I think people forget and I do think some babies sleep easier than others and others use all sorts of props to get them through it. I feel like I am in sleep hell at the moment but I'm sure in a year's time I prob won't remember either ( well maybe two years :wink: )

[Tamara]

You know, Amanda, I've OFTEN wondered the same question, with the added question of 'what did I do to make her like this?'

DD was a NIGHTMARE at going to sleep till 13 months (aaah, the miracle of catching chickenpox!), a 45 min napper till 8-9 months, but also very good at sleeping throught the night.

For over a year, I had to listen to DD scream and cry and scream for at least 30 mins EVERY SINGLE time she needed to nap/sleep, it' nearly drove me to distraction - and then I saw these kids (my brother's being one of them, my firend had another) who would 'just drop off when tired', nocrying, no screaming, nothing - just asleep.  I nearly drove myself mad wondering

a) what 's wrong with MY baby that she won't/can't do that?
and
b) what have I done to cause this?

I wondered if I was overanalysing things (as suggested once) and if i just left her alone, she'd be ok - but she wasn't - EVER, and I couldn't bear the crying.

She doesn't sleep in the pushchair and hasn't done since about 10 months old - I look enviously at other parents' out and about with their sleeping children in pushchairs.

She won't sleep on our lap, and has never done (not since outgrowing newborn phase) - I look enviously at other paretns on the for example, plane and see their toddler sit on their lap and gently fall asleep, whilst ours struggles and protests so much that we don't even bother now, she just gets more and more tired and bears it until she's in her bed or car seat.

Sorry for rambling, but just wanted to say that I completely know where you're coming from - and my conclusion now is that it's just the child that is different not anything that we've done.

Next one better bloody behave that's all I can say!!!!  :wink:

[mommytsa]

Here's my take on it.  Most "other" people don't teach sleep.  They either use lots of props, endless comforting or resort to CIO, because it isn't common knowledge that THERE ARE BETTER WAYS.

I also think that the reason everyone says that their babies are/were good sleepers and just drift off is that no one wants to be the mom who, when asked how everything is going, says "Really, it's horrid.  I haven't slept in months, crying is the new soundtrack of my life and I'm beginning to regret ever having children.  My life right now is awful and I'd give anything to trade places with you for a few hours."  Besides the fact that people just aren't that honest, they already know that they'll probably get one of two answers--either "welcome to motherhood, that's what kids do to you" or "you must be doing something wrong, have you tried.....".  Neither of which is actually helpful and both of which usually end up making you feel like a bad mom.

JMO

[Deb_in_oz]

I agree with a lot of what Teresa said.

i think if you look at what a lot of other people are doing it definitely involves prop use and / or feeding to sleep. it is quite common to do the reverse of EASY and do the feed last and then when baby has a full tummy and is drowsy they drift off to sleep... or the baby who sleeps "anywhere" is likely to be sleeping in arms or in a pram that is moving (= rocking to sleep but in a pram)

also, i do think it comes down to the type of baby and type of parent.  almost all of my friends are at the 2 different ends of Tracy's wing it / plan it quiz (from 1st BW book) they either purely go with the flow which means they have no expectations so of course everything is fine or they are extreme planners who have baby on a strict routine and do not allow for deviation even if it means CIO.

those of us who were drawn to BW because of it's middle ground suffer because we are trying to get baby to sleep independently and provide some structure without being drastic.  this means we have high expectations that baby will sleep in the S cycle and not just for 20 min catnaps... so we worry and research and talk about how to improve things....

[mandykittie]

I think you all are right--either they want to be seen as the perfect mother (so they say their kids are perfect), they are a little less controlling than I am, rock their babies until their arms fall off, or as DH says, they just let their kids cry all the time. 
This was such an interesting thread, and it really made me feel sooooo much better about things.  Thanks a lot!
Amanda

[naunmom]

This is a really good thread and I agree with what has been said about how a lot of it has to do with temperament of the baby and temperament of the mom and/or dad.

I certainly don't do things by the book either, but a couple things stand out in my mind as really helping to develop a sleep routine.

One tool that was very helpful to me in the early days was having a log similar to what Tracy described in BW.  It might seem anal and a lot of extra work, but for me what it did was help me see patterns pertaining to feeding/sleeping.  It helped both me and dh communicate better as well because we both saw order emerge from chaos.  Also in the early days I was working part time and we had a nanny come in to help who did not speak English very well.  The log helped me to at a glance see how things went during the time I was gone.  Did he nap, how long, did he eat, how much.  It helped me to gauge what I needed to do to "tweak" the rest of the day.

Second, the night-time bath was really a great transition event for us.  It helped relax ds and through repetition associated upcoming night-time sleep.  For naps we struggled and modified as he grew older.  At first I tried soft music like Mozarty/Classical ... that seemed to work for a bit .. then it became storytime.  Now, sometimes we just throw him into bed and say "take a nap." :lol:  With naps we did rely a lot on watching for cues ... luckily we had some pretty clear cues like rubbing eyes and yawning.

That said, we do occasionally bring him into bed with us if he wakes in the middle of the night.  Now we deal with scary stuff and monsters.  It's taking A LOT of patience/reassurance to soothe him to not be afraid of the monsters in the dark.  For the most part we try to be consistent, but occasionally we just bring him into bed with us.

Sorry for the long reply!

p.s.  wanted to add one more thing ... darkening his room for naps also helped!