Scared of EVERYTHING

[tuta]

Hi Ladies,

I need a bit of insight here, I have recently put both dds into the same room to sleep because dd#1 (3 1/2) has always had problems sleeping alone and I guess she just needed the company.  Apart from the two girls having a right old riot up there for about an hour every night this has worked out very well. Until recently.  Dd#1 has always been afraid of the dark so we keep her light on, now she is afraid of absolutely EVERYTHING.

When I say eveything I mean everything, teddies, toys, posters, her bed, bedclothes, curtains, the intercom, shelves, nails in the wall, pencil lines on the wall, labels on things ..... I means the list is endless.  I have done everthing I can, removed everything from the room, taken her big bed away and put her little bed back in, taken nails out of the walls, I am even on the verge of taking the shelves down.  She just lies with her head under the blanket looking terrified or sobbing.  I can see her scanning the room for things she is afraid of - very soon there will be two mattresses on the floor and nothing else.  I don't want her to be afraid but I don't want to foster the idea that there is something to be afraid of.  Last night I tried to be stern with her - now come on there is nothing wrong here and all that - she still cried when I tried to leave.  Are these just extreme stalling techniques?  Or is she really scared?  Should I take her to the doctor?

HELP ME I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW.

[stasztk]

The human mind can invent anything to fear. Ask her what would help during a time when she isn't afraid. Ask her what she needs to have a good night. I would suggest some things. Like do you want your favorite stuffed animal to sleep next to you and protect you?

Have you asked her what it is about these objests that scare her? Does she think they are monsters (don't suggest this to her!) I would have her point out the offending item and watch it as the light goes back on, "See it was just Teddy!"

Is she in a new room?

I guess I don't know enough about her speaking skills and her stalling tactics. Does she speak well enough for you to understand?

[Eden's Mum]

Does she appear a clingy girl during the day? I only ask because DS1 has invented all sorts of reasons at night time to get me to stay int eh room with him or come into his room if he wakes at night. we have had to address his daytime behaviour first to make him understand that he can be independant and this is a good thing and something to be proud of and that he can have attention too when it is appropriate. Would it be possible that it is more about getting you to give her attention than actual fear?

DS has a special bear who protects him when mummy is asleep. We also have time when we lie in bed together in the dark and cuddle and sing before i leave him, i always have done this as i wanted him to feel safe in the dark and know it was an ok place to be. We tend to talk about what we have done int eh say taht was good and what we are ooking forward to  abotu tomorrow and also what we would like to dream about when we go to sleep.

good luck.

[jessica and emilys mummy]

Hi Tuta.
Well if she's like Jessica then she's playing you.We've had all of this.We have fairy lights up so that they don't cast shadows.Is she in and out of bed saying that this is scary and that is scary?
I told Jess that there is nothing to be scared of and what she thought it was.SHe told me monsters were in the room.As soon as I told her that Monsters are too scared off Daddy and they never come to our house she was much better.
Instead of taking things out of the room,which could be showing her that they are scary things,make up stories about them.
For instance with nails on the wall,it could be the dream fairy's chair where she sits and thinks about what lovely dream she is going to give your lo.
If it gets too out of hand then call the HV.
She could also be a bit put out that she now has to share a room and wants the extra attention.

[tuta]

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for all the replies. 

What you all suggest is really good advice - some of it I already do but others are really good

For instance with nails on the wall,it could be the dream fairy's chair where she sits and thinks about what lovely dream she is going to give your lo

now that is a good idea.

I guess I don't know enough about her speaking skills and her stalling tactics. Does she speak well enough for you to understand?

  Well when I ask her what there is to be afraid about I get the Wizard of Oz answer - because, because, because, because, because   So I don't know exactly what it is about these things - she just decides that she does not like them one night and that is it!

Would it be possible that it is more about getting you to give her attention than actual fear?

  She is a clingy girl, as time goes on she appears to be less independant, more afraid and hesitant- I would have thought that it would be the opposite - more independant and self assured.  BUT she is going into reverse.  DH and I are trying to boost her ego by constantly telling her she is great and beautiful and intelligent etc.  One of the problems she has is sharing the spotlight with all of the other siblings/cousins who have/are hitting the scene now - all of my ILs seem to find little babies irresistable and the older ones a bit dated so the younger they are the more attention they get. Dd#1 is the eldest of this batch (KWIM) and gets less and less attention.

Well if she's like Jessica then she's playing you

She could also be a bit put out that she now has to share a room and wants the extra attention.

  I wouldn't be at all suprised if it was a bit of both.  Mind you she was lonley without dd#2, but it turns out that dd#2 is a bit of a naughty girl and keeps her awake (she was conning us all this time into thinking she was an angel - all she was looking for was an opportunity :roll:).  BUT we are tackling that by cutting dd#2's nap - after all if she can stay awake until 8.30-9pm that means she is not tired enough so she can do without it.

We are trying to boost her confidence during the day and explain the purpose and function of the things she decides she doesn't like in a really matter-of-fact tone (her latest is the thermostat on the radiator  :roll:).  It is early days yet and there does not appear to be much improvement -I guess I could be begging for more help soon if it doesn't work.

[jessica and emilys mummy]

Just had another thought.
When Jess first started the whole messing about thing with bedtime and waking,I explained to her that sleep gives you energy,just like food,if she didn't get enough sleep she wouldn't have the energy to do anything.
It works wonders if we are going out the next day,especially if it's out to play at the farm or with her friends.As soon as she starts I tell her she can't go to play with her friends because if she doesn't sleep,she won't have any energy.
It's worth a try.

As for the thermostat on the radiator,I'd ask her just before she goes to bed to help you turn the termostat around so at least she'll know what it's for.

Keep up the good work. :wink:

[tuta]

Hi Sarah, thanks for the input.  She wasn't too bad tonight (well for one reason there is virtually nothing left in the room) and I drew her curtains to cover the thermostat - I did have a big discussion with her about what it was for, which was followed by - "okay Mummy now take it away"  :roll:

What I have been doing is heaping loads of praise on her telling her she is brave, lovely and pretty etc just before I leave the room - seems to puff her up just long enough to let her settled down and forget about the things she doesn't like.  I also got her up early today - so she is really tired now.

As I said we shall see what happens - she starts preschool in January so I am hoping sheer exhaustion will make her sleep without the "I'm scared" conversations - fingers crossed.