I feel like a bad mom

[cwolff]

After 6 months of sleep deprivation I am just spent.  My DD is not sleeping any better than she did as a newborn.  In fact she sleep much better then.  Now it's 2 weeks of no-swaddle and she is currently in her crib rolling around like it's playtime.  It's 30-45 min naps every single time, 3-4 nightwakings, it's ridiculous.  She's never put herself to sleep and I'm afraid she's just not capable of doing it.  I have rocked her to drowsy, but not to asleep.  I put her in the crib which always wakes her up a bit, and she rolls over to sleep.  But I cannot put her in bed one bit more awake because then it's like she's doing now, playtime.  She wakes right back up and will play for hours.  I don't even attempt putting her down more awake during naps, because then she would never nap.  The swaddle definitely helped with sleep, and now that it's gone there's just nothing I can do.  Anything I do in the crib just makes her think I'm playing with her more.  I can't hold down her arms, and her legs both, and then what the heck difference would no swaddle make if I had to do that.  I just cannot get this whole thing right.  Her physical therapist was the one who finally convinced me to ditch the swaddle, but I don't think DD was ready.  I've been waiting till she got used to the no swaddle deal before I did the pacifier weaning, but that's a whole nother problem.  I am so angry, and so frustrated because she just won't sleep.  She just won't put herself to sleep.  No matter how long I leave her in there.  I always have to go back in at some point and give her the pacifier.  But she just can't seem to settle on her own, and I don't understand why everyone else's baby can do this and is fine and mine isn't.  DH is no help, he keeps yelling at me that she's fine, she's fine, don't act like there's a problem.  Well, there is!  I get up a million times a night, and during the day it's not any better.  I finally got her to take a decent morning nap today, but only because I picked her up finally after her 40 min wake up call, and she fell back to sleep.  Usually then I put her down and she wakes back up, but she slept.  The rest of the day was 30 min and then one hour.  I have tried pt/shush, doesn't work, she just wakes up.  I am so frustrated.  I'm jealous of other mom's and I want something to go my way for once.  I want a sleep thru the night, or start napping good baby.  Why can't that be me?  I can't figure a method of sleep training because she doesn't cry.  She just doesn't sleep.  How can I train her to sleep when she isn't upset by it?

[mommytsa]

Oh, honey, I just want to give you the biggest hugs right now!  You are not a bad mom!!!!  You're trying your best to do what you know is best for your baby, and that makes you a great mom.  I'm so sorry that your DH isn't very supportive.  I know how tired you are and that everything is so overwhelming right now.  I feel for you! 

And you aren't alone in your no-sleep quandry.  I've been having similiar problems with my DS, though not quite as extreme as yours.  My ds will sleep eventually, just after 30-40 min of pu/pd sometimes, though he still wakes up 4-6 times a night. 

The last few days, things have gotten a bit better.  I spent this weekend focusing solely on getting ds's sleep situation figured out.  I think part of his night wakings was hunger.  I started him on some cereal (oatmeal, since he didn't seem to like the rice).  I also really watched the clock and forced him onto the 4 hour schedule.  This meant that if he only took a 45 min nap, I kept the little monster up until his next scheduled naptime, even if it meant 3 hours 15 min of A time.  Throw in daylight savings, and for at least one cycle each day, he was up for almost 4 hours.  It seemed kinda cruel trying to distract him and not putting him down when he was showing tired signs, but I knew we had to change something, and the whole time change thing was going to screw us up anyways, so I just went for it.  After three solid days of this, he is now going down easily for naps and was only up twice last night (well, three times I guess if you count 6 am).  I felt like a real human being again today.  It was glorious!

I don't know if what I did would work for your LO because I don't know if you already "force" a 4-hour schedule or not, and  I know some babies just can't handle the extra long awake times.  That said, I would really love to help you any way I can.  Maybe between the two of us we can brainstorm something that might work for your LO!

[zayandme]

I have no words for you except a big HUG!
Wish I could come over and give you a chance to take a nap! It can be SO hard sometimes. You will make it through!

[kendallnangie]

I am so sorry, I feel your pain....
What is the physical therapist for, if you don't mind my asking...I was wondering if it was something that could be contributing to her sleep patterns....
If not, how long are you allowing her stay awake?
Are you getting her up at the same times everyday, no matter what?
Is she teething?
Has she recently started solid food?
2 of my children at the ages of 6 months were only ever able to stay awake for about 1 hour and 45 minutes...after that, I had to get them into bed, keep in mind that they NEVER "looked" tired, in fact I got so sick of those coments from family like, wow she sure doesn't look or act tired, I could have screamed....anyhow my point is, it sounds to me like you are missing the cues and the window.
Anyhow that is just at first glance, I might be able to offer more help if I could know a little bit more about what your day looks like.
Hang in there,
Angie

[cwolff]

Thanks everyone.  After about one hour, she finally fell asleep.  I let her whine and talk for a lot of that time without doing the paci replacing, then once I did she finally settled down and went to sleep.  Then she slept till about 2:30am for a feed and back down till six.  It was so unusual I had to get up and check on her to make sure she was still breathing.

The physical therapist is for something called torticollis.  It is a shortening of one side of a large muscle in the neck.  It is usually caused by interuterine positioning, ie: not having a lot of room to move around.  Anyway, it means that she tilts her right ear to right shoulder, and could only turn to the left.  We have had to do stretches for about 3 months, and she's loads better.  I don't think that's contributing to the sleep issues, as she's plenty mobile and not in any discomfort.

I dont think she's teething but we did start solid foods last week.  We started on rice, which she seems OK with.  Then 2 days ago started bananas, and she seems to have a bit of a rash.  Unfortunately so, because she loves them.  I don't think that would contribute either because she's the same as always.  I think the unswaddling is the main culprit, as she has so much more freedom now.  We still wrap her legs, but I got so frustrated with her trying to move all around that I unwrapped them.  Bad idea, cause then it was really play time.  Finally had to wrap them again and that helped her to settle down.

I have to say, though DH is unsupportive in actual parenting matters,  on the weekends, he does get up with her and I get to sleep for a few hours.  Of course he doesn't follow what I do, so it kind of messes us up.  It's a catch 22, do I want to sleep and wake up to be off our routine, or stay up and never sleep!  Who knows.

[kendallnangie]

How lond is she staying awake after you let her get up in the morning?
Can you write out your EASY plan?
EAT         7am
Activity    7-8:30
Sleep       8:30-10:30


or whatever your day might look like.
I really think that aside from swaddling you LO could be staying up too long, this is just based on the info you have laid out,
Also Are you making it a point to get her up at the SAME time everyday, no matter what?
Angie

[cwolff]

I haven't made it a point to get her up at the same time, but she has really been doing well getting up between 7 and 7:30.  Of course the time change really screwed us up.  We're also been trying solids, so that's made EASY a little interesting, but here's how it goes.

Wakes up around 7am
Tummy time while I get bottle
E 7:30am
A usually appears tired around 1 1/2 hours, but I've put her down at this time and she has been catnapping.  So I've been trying to keep her up closer to 2 hours to see how that goes.
S 9:15- Lately it's been 45 min or even 30 min

A 10:15 ( I will usually leave her to talk in her crib for a little while if she wakes up really early) then tummy time
E Cereal
A Floor play then maybe a walk
E 11:00 or so
A Diaper change and winddown
S 11: 30- 11:45 Sometimes this will be a long nap, just never know.  I have to extend no matter what at 30-45 min w/paci or sometimes pu/pd.

A (Let's say this was a long nap) 2pm tummy time
E 2:30 sometimes a little later
A usually go outside and lay on a blanket and talk to the trees
S 4 sometimes 4:30 very tricky with this sleep, sometimes I have had to swaddle her to take the catnap, but always is short

A 5pm
E 5:30 pmCereal w/banana (till we had allergy)
 Btw 6 & 6:30pm bath
7pm Bottle, books
Btw 7& 7:30pm

Then she's usually up between 1 & 2am for bottle and back to sleep till resettling time of 5am onwards till wakeup.

Now that actually seems good when I put it on paper, but lately there have been no "good" naps, so all the awake times have changed.

This morning, she woke at 6am and seemed up ready for the day.  On a whim, I picked her up and rocked her a bit and put her back down.  She slept till an astonishing 7:30am.  (astonishing considering the time change).

So it went
Awake 7:30am
TUmmy time till 8am
E 8am Bottle
A
E 9am Cereal - Didn't eat much
A Changed clothes and diaper and walked around the house
S 9:45am

At the moment I've had to do the paci insert once, but she didn't pop awake like she sometimes does so we'll see how long this nap is.

[kendallnangie]

Ok that really hepls!
I think that you could do two things to really help her days go so much easier.
First of all try really hard to get her up at the same time everyday, it doesn't need to be to the minute but don't let her stray from 7-7:30, since that is what her natural body clock is telling her to do.
Second, I think that she is having too much "tummy time" before she eats. I think that since you are still trying to establish a routine you should really try to ficus on EASY As you have it, you are doing more of an AEASY  and sometimes AEAEAES.....during that time of the day I don't even see a Y which we all know is really important :wink:
How are you with reading her tired cues?  I will still say that 2 hours is a long time for her to be awake and it will take more than a couple of days to see the effects of putting her to bed earlier. If a baby is getting up at the dreadful 45 minutes after a nap then it almost always means that they are overstimulated. I hope that helps....
let me know how things go.
Angie

[cwolff]

Initially when I started EASY, she had not been diagnosed with torticollis.  So I was feeding her every three hours, and doing EASY pretty well.  But, since we've been in physical therapy, she has prescribed tummy time.  As much as possible, in various positions.  I found that putting her on her tummy after waking catches her in the best mood, and also prevents spitting up from just eating.  So I don't have a solution for that there, I kind of feel like I have to do it this way.  Besides, it's usually only 10-15 min total, and sometimes it's less than that.

Today something totally weird happened.  She had a nice morning nap, though I did have to go in there a few times to resettle.  She slept from 9:45am-11:30am.  Then I kept her up till about 1:30pm or so and she rolled onto her side (which she hasn't done).  She cuddled with this blanket I have, which I tucked securely under the mattress so she wouldn't pull it over her face.  And she slept, uninterrupted by pacifier or anything from 1:33pm till about 4pm.  I actually went in every half and hour just to make sure she was breathing!  I don't know what the deal was with that, but I hope it repeats itself.  Two long naps a day is just perfect for us.

As for her tired cues, they are few and far between.  When she is overtired, she will rub her eyes and fuss.  But where that window of time before that is, I only guess.  Sometimes I'm right and put her down and she sleeps, and other times it's too soon.  I kept her up about 2 hours both activity times, and that yielded me 2 good naps.  But I don't know if that was a fluke and she might be overtired tomorrow.  Who knows, this whole guessing game really makes me a bit crazy.

[Katet]

Firstly not to bring bad news but for the first time since about MARCH 2003 (YES over 2.5 years) I have actually had 3 nights in a row where I got 7 hours uninterupted sleep. Some babies/ toddlers... those darn spirited ones just aren't made to be good sleepers.

I have struggled with Aiden's sleep for 27 months & the other week just got to the point that nothing seemed to work for long & until the last 3 teeth came through I was destined to have bad night sleeps.
How did it change, not sure but the one thing I do know is I have been spending lots of time giving him lots of attention.
Added to which Liam (same age as your lo) become a champion sleeper & I am so bad with doing the "right thing" So I have to say nature has a lot to answer for in how they sleep... I used to think I was the worst mother as Aiden never slept well (10 wakeups some nights) But now with Liam I KNOW their nature is a big part in it.

Now none of this will help the sleeping per se... but then again it could.
* accept that you are going to get woken up X times a night & then anything else is a bonus.
* do breathing excercises (slow breathing in & out to the count of 3 or more) before you take her for her naps... bed time.
* when you go to do naps expect it is going to take 1/2hour to get her to sleep
* If she isn't asleep & isn't crying (or upset) she is resting AND THAT IS GREAT! If she is happy in her cot... leave her time out may be all she needs... she doesn't need to always be sleeping... but she does need rest & if she isn't upset she is doing fine!
* Finally you can follow the book to the letter, but trust me you may not even get that perfect sleep, what you need to do is work with Rachel & not with what the book says.

OK so now you know she can do good sleeps, don't start expecting them & being dissapointed that they don't happen again... keep expecting the short ones & the long ones will be a bonus... but keep a log, see if there is anything that links them.

At the end of the day enjoy your little girl. I know you love her dearly, but do you actully ever enjoy her... for who she is???, I spent too much time (& energy) worrying about Aiden's sleep & forgot to enjoy him. Now I am taking the time to enjoy him & not worrying about sleep... Wow what a great child I have... he has blossomed so much.

[kim&savannah]

I wanted to jump on here and second what Kate said--I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but :

No matter what you do, some kids just don't sleep well consistantly and you should in no way blame yourself.  I remember feeling the same way and wondering why so many people have these angel sleepers when I tried to do everything perfectly for weeks and things actually got worse!  At 6 months, we went through hell for awhile--some nights getting woken up every hour!  We finally ditched the paci after that and spent the next 6 months getting our dd to the point that she will sleep through the night some nights each week (well, except for the last 3 weeks, but I think we have some serious teething going on right now).  We still do not regularly get uninterupted sleep at night.  And it is hard never knowing what she'll do, but I try not to expect anything and then I'm pleasantly surprised when I don't get woken up.

And definately let her play for a bit if that is what she needs, even if you have to go in at the end of it to help her settle for the nap.  We went through that for awhile--dd was playing for 45 min. almost every single nap.  I think she was getting ready to lengthen her time before nap so she wasn't quite ready to sleep, even though she was definately ready to be put to bed, if that makes sense?  The play time in her crib was good winddown and then when she started to fuss, I'd wait to see if she was going to do it on her own, but most times had to go in, lay her back down and tell her it was naptime (she was much older when she did this) and then she'd go to sleep.  Let her wear herself out.

As for your husband, if there is any way you can  explain to him how important it is that at least the basics of your method are followed, that would probably help with the consistancy.  We actually got to the point that I stopped getting up at night when I wasn't bfing her duyring the night because dh refused to not pick her up, so I told him that until he was ready to do it my way, I wasn't going to help.  And it took months of me almost never getting up (only if it was a bad night and she'd already been up a couple times) until he just finally decided he was ready to finish the sleep training (that we started a year ago!!!!).  I'm not sure how much his holding her affected her--we did put her to bed awake in the first place (most of the time--I think he waited a little long sometimes), but since she went through spells of sleeping better despite him, I just don't know.  But it can't hurt to be consistant, and you do need the breaks!!!!!

Good luck and do not ever feel like you are a bad mom, or that you are the only one with a "bad" sleeper--I think some of these kids just have too much going on in their heads to slow down and sleep.  That might  be a good thing when they are older, like teenagers and all their friends are sleeping all weekend, but they can get things done!  Either way, that is when you can exact your revenge :twisted:  We plan on jumping on dd's bed in the middle of the night when she's older and actually values sleep    

~KIm

[kendallnangie]

You ladies have great advice......
If she NEEDS that tummy time then absolutly do it, I wasn't aware that it was a part of her therapy....
keeping that aside I would still try to stick to EASY as much as possible, because even though I DO agree that nature has a lot to do with it, at least the EASY will kinda give you and her a guidline to follow. and who knows, if you try to do the same things on a daily basis she MAY become a better sleeper just by knowing what to expect.
Saying all that I 100% agree with a mommy not forgetting to enjoy her baby, it doesn't last very long   :cry:   
Take Care,
Angie

[Kim Williams]

Hi Rachel

I hope you dont mind me asking about Torticollis.  My little boy favours is right side and always sleeps with his head to the right.  He will move his head to the left but not very often.  The nurse said it could be Torticollis and we have an appointment with the hospital in a few weeks.
Is it treatable and does your baby have a flatter head on the one side?  Jack's head is flatter on the right and im really worried about it...

many thanks!

[cwolff]

Hey everybody, thanks so much for your words and you are right!  I know this sleep thing has a lot to do with her nature, because she does wake happy most of the time, even if it's been a short nap.  She's not a crying mess most of the time, but can get cranky from being tired.  I am trying so hard to enjoy her for who she is.  I make sure that no matter how awful that nap was, I greet her smile with a big smile in return.  Part of my depression stems for that disappointment of not just being free to enjoy her in every aspect, but being a slave to sleep deprivation.  I don't want to think about it as much as I do, and I would like to relax and go with the flow.  I know many moms do.  Maybe it is simply not in MY nature to do so.  I am very type A, and like to have some consistency, but find it very hard to arrange that now.

As for doing EASY and the tummy time, I would love to feed her first thing.  It was working so well in the beginning, and offered up the same consistency over and over.  The tummy time period before food now is part of the routine and I think she is used to it, but I do think that if I were able to do EASY by the book, things might go a little easier.  I keep waiting for her to be rolling over both ways proficiently, and sitting up.  Once that happens, then I don't have to do "prescribed" tummy time.  And hopefully she will be done with PT too. 

Kim, as for torticollis, it is very treatable.  How old is your son, by the way?  And it's not a disease, simply a condition that babies who are very large or have been wedged into a certain position for a while in utero can have.  Sometimes neither of those are present and it just happens.  There is an entire website devoted to it, called torticolliskids.org. But to give you a quick summary, it is a shortening (or tightening) of one side of the sternocleidomastoid muscle in the neck.  We have this muscle on both sides of our neck.  Therefore, when one side is short or tight, the other side becomes loose and not strong.  Hence, the torticollis babies will tilt their heads to one side, and turn their heads to the other side only.  My dd could (or would) only turn her head to the left, and when sitting up you could see that her head actually tilted right ear to right shoulder.  If you look at your ds's pics, you can probably see a tilt to one side or the other.  Another big indicator of torticollis is the baby hates tummy time and has a lot of difficulty with it.  I didn't force tummy time because I didn't think it was too important.  Little did I know.

So the treatment prescribed was weekly and now bi weekly physical therapy.  And at home stretches and TUMMY TIME!  There are two stretches we do, one is rotation.  We rotate her head in the opposite direction from where she likes to be.  She likes left, we go right.  At first she resisted because the muscle was tight.  But once it loosened up, she was fine.  The other stretch is to tilt her head in the opposite direction.  We do left ear to left shoulder.  We do these stretches 4-6 times a day, 3x each holding for 30 seconds.  You will learn many silly songs and faces to keep him from fussing but it's worth it.  These exercises go on until they are crawling and sitting on their own.  The reason is because even if you stretch them out now, once their neck starts to grow and they need to use even more muscle strength to do things, they can revert to tilting again.

First thing you can do Kim, is change all of his toys to the side he does not prefer.  All our toys are on Rachel's right side.  When riding in the car (if anyone sits next to him) sit on his "bad" side.  When in the stroller, use a burp cloth to prop his head in the other direction.  Same with the bouncy seat.   
Oh yeah, and dd did have flattening on her left side, because she would only sleep on that side.  Now, she's evenly flat and her bald spot has moved all the way to the right.  If your son is younger than 1 year, usually none of the flattening is permanent.  Once their little brains grow and you treat the torticollis, it all evens out.  Sometimes a helmet is necessary, but again, it's not something you need to worry about now and if it does happen, paint it with football colors and everyone will think it's cool.

PM me and I can give you a whole slew of suggestions on pretty much anything related to this.  But don't freak out.  It's not the end of the world and will only be for a short time. 

Ladies, thanks again so much for your support.  My goal today is to enjoy every minute I spend with Rachel, no matter what!!  Of course I am having my wisdom teeth pulled in two hours, so that will be quite a challenge!
 

[Kim Williams]

thank you so much, I feel loads better now.  I will let you know how we get on at the hospital.

As for the naps, good luck!  When you read through the site I think most people have these sort of issues at some point.  We certainly do, so you are not alone.