I can relate to the incredible love you feel, but also being drained, frustrated, sleep deprived and wondering exactly what I got myself into and if/when life will resemble something normal ever again.
I'm stumbling through this with our lovely daughter, Katie (3WO), so I'm no expert, but here's what I would recommend:
1. Keep Phoebe awake while she eats. We've turn the lights on, unwrap Katie, move arms/legs, talk to her, and even used the wet washcloth (that one just seemed cruel, though) to keep our sleepy eater awake and finishing a bottle. She's generally takes 20-40 minutes to finish a 3-4 oz. bottle.
2. I definitely agree with changing AFTER eating. Katie will almost always wake up during a diaper change - even if it's just to a drowsy state. Better than full asleep in my opinion. Then we go straight to sleep. The diaper change is all the activity Katie can handle most times. (Evenings are her more alert periods where we can study each others faces, take a bath, sing with dad, etc.) However, even with the diaper change she still looks for the bottle (just needs a nip or two) when she's overtired. We've been working on it for a couple of days and sometimes it's good - she'll go to sleep in 5-10 minutes; sometimes it's 45 minutes of full-on crying.
3. Katie is used to being held to sleep (sometimes with bottle, like at night; sometimes just being walked around). My attempts to go "cold turkey" to the crib have been met with crying fits. I swear she just knows when we get close to the crib sometimes and starts crying! So, just today, I thought it might be a good transition step to use shh/pat while she's in my arms. It's actually more like a shh/bounce. We definitely have a bedtime/naptime routine that we follow: draw the shade, say goodnight to the dog, start our lullaby music and sit very still in the rocker. I don't rock the chair or make eye contact, but I do bounce her a little bit to mimick the pat and I do the "shh". My theory is that it if she gets used to the pat/shh in my arms, it will make the transition to the crib easier if the pat/shh already is part of the routine. Would LOVE feedback on others if they think this might be effective.
4. Swaddle Phoebe anyway. Our little Katie needs to be swaddled - those flailing arms and legs are just way to distracting for her. Katie will sometimes struggle and fight against it and sometimes I have to re-swaddle her a few times but I think overall it really helps. Let me know what you think of the Miracle Blanket - I just ordered our third brand of swaddle blanket because our little Houdini seems to get out of everything!
5. If you haven't tried a paci, give it a whirl. It may buy you a few minutes of calm, or at least less intense crying. The BW books say that it's okay for the first few months.
6. Your wife may want to explore pumping and bottle-feeding the breast milk. I can't offer a lot of thoughts here, because we're bottle-feeding (milk supply issues). But, when I was trying to breast-feed, Katie would always resist the bottle and paci after she had the breast. Major drama for the next couple of feedings. Pumping is a good alternative for us so she can still have some breast milk, dad can help with the feedings giving mom a break (for a shower, walk, nap or just a sanity break), and it didn't cause problems with subsequent feedings.
7. Always remember and remind your wife that she is a great mother and you are a great father. Support each other during all of this.
8. Two quotes that I remember when my LO is bawling is that:
a) All babies cry. And, it doesn't mean you're a bad parent.
b) No baby every died from crying. (Although I think maybe a parent or two might have
)
9. I don't know how long all of this will take. We're in the midst of it now and, there are good feeds/bad feeds, good and bad naps/sleep. Maybe someone else can provide some guideance on how long. The books say an average of 3 days. But, they also say that it takes less time/retraining the younger your baby is.
10. Last item, I promise. Some of the best parenting advice I've gotten is that you have to do what works for the family (part of the BW philosophy). Some things clearly aren't working for the whole group and it might take some tears (from baby, mom and dad) to get to a better arrangement.
Good luck. Hope others have some more suggestions.
