3yo: problems falling asleep... please help!!!

[AnnBee]

Dear ladies,

Could you help me please? (Sorry, it's a bit long...)

The problem is with Marcel going to sleep. He used to be a wonderful sleeper who would fall asleep on his own and sleep through the night since he was a baby (a proper Angel) but a couple of weeks ago - unfortunately, with our "help", I think - falling asleep became a big problem.

The first thing I should tell is that Marcel goes to bed only with me - DH is extremely busy at work and with our rebuilding. I know it's a mistake but it's been so...

Everything started with my prenatal course. The classes are once a week. The first time I went there, Marcel stayed at home with DH (he didn't want to be put into bed by his Dad and wanted to wait until I'll be back) and he cried like mad almost all the time until I came back. Since the course is in the evening and Marcel doesn't nap, I thought it wouldn't be bad to put him in bed a bit earlier and then go to the class, so the second time I did so. He woke up being a bit thirsty while I was still away but it was no problem that DH gave him a bit of water - Marcel had a drink and then fell asleep again. The third time went as the second one at the beginning - I put Marcel in his bed, he fell asleep and then I went away. But this time, Marcel woke up in an hour or so and cried for me like mad but DH managed to put him back to sleep (he let DS to cry it out, though, which I don't find good but nevertheless). The fourth evening was great - although Marcel woke up and wasn't particularly happy about Dad and not me being with him, he went to sleep within half an hour without much crying (this time DH was with Marcel, he didn't leave him to cry it out). During the week, though, - i.e., when I was at home - Marcel's been calling for me, whining and so on for a while before he fell asleep, it usuallylasted for 30-40 minutes.

Today, I just couldn't go to the class because he started to cry like mad as soon as I left his room and has been constantly calling for me and crying for more than 2 hours! :shock: I decided not to go away so that Marcel doesn't think that I've left him without telling him anything. I think, he fell asleep now and then - there was silence for 10 or 15 moinutes a couple of times - but then suddenly woke up crying and calling me again.

I know, we should have told Marcel on earlier days that I'd go away but then would be back again, I just thought that he would sleep as he always did and we would save him this. :oops: Now, the trust is probably shattered and therefore he cries and calls me constantly just to make sure I'm here. I'm really angry with myself buit it doesn't help me to solve our problem... What should I do now? How can I get my fantastic sleeper back?

Another thing which bothers me is that we should somehow get Marcel used to his Dad coming to him at night or putting him into bed, especially with a baby coming very soon. The thing is though that DH is extremely busy with rebuilding at the moment - we have far too little room for four persons and we've got to get at least another room ready before the baby is born. It means that DH spends every single evening (not only after work but also weekends) at our "building site" working really hard, he isn't very keen on my idea that he should put Marcel into bed at least once a week. I mean, he'd do it, of course, but he wants to finish at least one extra room at first (and there's still a lot of work...). I thought that next time I have my prenatal class, I'll talk to Marcel and ask him what he'd prefer - I can put him into bed (a bit earlier than we usually do it) and then go away for a couple of hours or he can play with Dad a bit and then DH will put him into bed. I'm just afraid that 1) it will be a drama for Marcel (I know it will be!), 2) DH will put Marcel into bed but then will give it up after my course is over. But at first, I've got to help Marcel to build trust again. How can I do that?

Please, please, give me some advice... I'm so angry with myself for spoiling everything with Marcel's sleep that I cannot think clearly...

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and thanks in advance for your thoughts and comments,

[AnnBee]

No-one can say anything?

Could it be that Marcel is afraid of something like "monsters" (I've just read the topic about monsters)? But I doubt it because he doesn't watch TV, we don't read any fairy tales where there's anything like a monster and the main thing is that Marcel says nothing about being afraid of someone, he just doesn't want me to go away from his room... :?

And what is with Dad putting Marcel into bed? Should we probably wait a bit? Or is it better to start this now, before the baby is born? :?

[Ami ~ 3 girls' mom]

I would start now, because when you have a newborn you won't have the patience to deal with it.  You'll have a toddler and a newborn who both need you to go to sleep.  With my 3-1/2 yo, night wakings start as one per night and easy to deal with, but they never resolve themselves and she's soon asking for another drink, another song, etc...  He knows change is coming with a baby and that with the stress of you being gone may have him confused.

Talk about it during the day.  Can you tell him which nights you'll be gone and that you will be there in the morning when he wakes up?  I think he's used to having you to himself and is not going to give up easily.   :wink:

[AnnBee]

Ami,

Thank you very much for your reply!

Today, Marcel told me that he was worried about me and that was the reason why he couldn't fall asleep as he'd used to. I told him there was no reason to be worried about me and after that he fell asleep without too much fussying. Don't you think it'll be better for him to start the whole thing with DH bringing Marcel into bed when I'm at home with the baby - then he'll see that I'm fine and won't worry about anything? I think a part of our problem is that people discuss the baby coming and all the stuff now and then and not all of them pay much attention on Marcel (and the little chap can hear some things being discussed :roll: ). Anyway, I'll talk to Marcel during the day and I just hope he'll accept the things as they are...

[sacmommy]

Hi Ann, I'm sorry you're having so much trouble; the third trimester is hard enough without bedtime battles! I was going through a similar thing with my ds prior to the birth of my dd, so I have a few thoughts on this.

First, remember that this new behavior will change. I always have to remind myself that things change when my kids are going through a bad phase, either behavior or sleep-related. Stick with your program, and they will get back on track. It happens to me all the time, and more often than not I panic, only to later remember that they have these phases.

Secondly, don't be so hard on yourself. You did not cause Marcel's sleep anxieties - you had no idea that this would happen when you first started out going to the class. Kids are more perceptive than we often give them credit for. Marcel is probably worried about you and your changes being pregnant, worried about a new baby, feeling the strain of having a missing parent (it must be stressful with your dh gone ALL the time), etc. I think it's good you are talking to him about you needing to gone, but you'll return... but also be very firm that he needs to go to bed and stay in bed all night. I think you and your husband need to be firm about him going to bed regardless of who puts him there; even if you didn't have a new baby coming you need to have some independence and the ability to be away. I also think it's good for your son to see some of these changes now, and to be very careful that he doesn't connect the changes to the baby - the last thing you want is for ds to blame the baby for your absence.

Finally, related to getting him used to new baby and the changes that are coming... obviously he knows some changes are occurring, but he can only take in/process so much. My ds was very very attached to me and would only have me go in to him at night before my second child was born. I made my dh do it some of the time mostly for the principle of it (not to mention so I could get some sleep as well). I was very concerned about having a newborn and a clingly son... but these worries were unfounded. My son quickly adapted to having his dad soothe him when needed, and now it's 50/50 if not more. Make sure your husband knows your expectation before baby#2 also, because life starts getting a lot more complicated and it sounds like he's not involved with the kid part at all right now!

Sorry for the very long post... hope something in there helps and makes you feel better!

[AnnBee]

Rose,

Thank you very much!

First of all, you're right, this is just a phase. I have to be reminded that everything will pass, I tend to forget it...

As for DH bringing Marcel into bed, we've talked about it (not with Marcel yet but I'll do it definitely!) and he's ready to start. I think both of us are a bit afraid that things will get harder... :oops: It is actually a strange thing - I do know that everything will be OK in the end but I'm so afraid of starting our "training" with Marcel! :oops: To be honest, I've even concidered putting the whole thing off for later, when the baby is already here but you and Ami have encouraged me and we will definitely get started this Friday when I've got my class - I don't want Marcel having any negative connections with the baby. I used to be much more courageous when Marcel was younger but now, when all the things have been nice and smooth for quite a long time, I seem to have lost my courage... :roll: Thanks a lot for your encouragements!

[sacmommy]

Hi Ann, I had another thought reading your reply. Perhaps you should have your husband put Marcel down at least one other night as well, when you ARE home. That way he knows you're there, he sees you, and he learns that dad putting him down is a normal, everyday thing. I know it's hard with your husband's double work schedule, but it might help Marcel adjust to the new routine.

[AnnBee]

Hi Rose,

And thanks again! That is actually why I've been thinking of putting this going-to-bed-with-Dad training off - while then I'll be at home. I'll talk to DH and pürobably he'll agree to put Marcel into bed twice a week, so that once it'll be with me around.

May I ask you for another piece of advice? The thing with Marcel is that he doesn't usually nap. But if you put him for a nap later (or we're driving somewhere), say sometime between 2 and 3 pm, he might fall asleep, sleep for an hour or so and then he'll be able to stay awake until 8:30 or 9 pm (usually he goes to bed at 6:30pm). We don't usually do that, it's just happened accidentally a couple of times. I've been thinking of putting him for a nap later on the day I have my class so that he can wait until I'm back and I can put him into bed. Do you think it's a good idea to let him stay awake longer (if he naps) while I'm away and then let DH put him into bed on another day of the week, with me around? (Then it'll be only once a week with Dad but I'll be there, too.) Or is it a stupid and bad idea? (Please, be honest!)

I know I'm being cowardly and really silly but I'm felling so sorry for the little chap of mine! :oops: He's such an understanding and sensible little being, sometimes we're amazed by his words and actions and when he says, "Mum, I'm worried about you, that's why I can't fall asleep", I just cannot get myself together and force him to go to bed without me around...   :oops: But if you say that my idea is a bad one and it's better for Marcel to be trained once a week without me being at home (as well as with me), I will get myself together. I know it might be hard for you to judge but I really need someone else's opinion...

Sorry for writing too much (and for asking too much...) and thank you for your support.

[sacmommy]

You are not being cowardly - you are trying (as we all are right?!) to do the best thing for your lo while continuing to encourage the best sleep habits for him. I don't know the answer to your question. You have to be comfortable with what you are doing - you won't be fully committed unless you are committed to the program (and your dh as well, for that matter. How many times have I been derailed by my well-meaning dh?!)

So, if you just can't go for it when you're not there, then for now start with dh on duty a night or 2 while you are there. I think it's fine if you nap your ds and put him to bed later while you're transitioning to a new bedtime routine.

In our house currently, my son insists I put him to bed every night. If he gets out of bed, he gets my husband. If I have a girl's night out, he gets my husband. This is how our so-called routine has evolved and it works fine.

So I would say play with a new routine, easing your son into it. But whatever you decide to do, stick with it. I do think our lovely little children realize when we're weak on something and easily manipulate us (thus the crying incessantly at bedtime, or in my son's case at a younger age, getting out of bed constantly). So beware setting up a situation where your son manipulates you and your husband into an unacceptable routine! Not only does it make life too difficult for you guys (you can't even go to 1 evening class a week!), but I think our kids really thrive when given constant routines and signals.

[AnnBee]

Rose,

Thanks a lot once again! You really did help me a lot! And although you didn't have an answer to my question (and I actually knew you wouldn't - no-one would!), you gave me an answer. I really need to find something with what I'm contented and stick with it, i.e., I think we'll start a new routine (I mean, with Dad putting Marcel into bed) when I'm here. In this case I'll know that if Marcel cries, he does it not because he's afraid that something has happened to me and that's why I'm not here but because he's not happy with the new stuff which is in my opinion absolutely fine - the kids always protest when something is being changed and he'll get used to it in the end. Do you know what I mean?

Thank you very much!

[sacmommy]

Good, I'm glad you came to a solution. That's the hardest part! Good luck with the changes and let us know how it's going.