Just remind me, why am I doing this?

[Bensmummy]

Hi everyone,

I am getting seriously desperate. I have been trying to use PU/PD to extend the naps of my beautiful DS who is 20 weeks old. Previously a very serene, happy baby and a great sleeper, he started breast-refusing at 8 weeks :cry: , and his weight gains slowed, dropping a percentile. My lactation consultant advised that I feed-to-sleep because she was worried about his intake, and KNOWING that this is accidental parenting, I did it anyway, because I was desperate to feed my baby. I stopped all non-breast teats, so the pacifier went, I didn't offer any bottles of EBM.

He still breast refuses often, for no obvious reason, and of the million things I've tried, the only thing that ensures he actually drinks is to feed-to-sleep. I end up feeding him as he wakes, then he's up for 1.5-2hrs, then feeding to sleep, which means I'm really feeding him every 1.5-2hrs or less :shock: .

His naps have suddenly become much shorter, and I know I should be changing him to a 4 hour routine from a 3 hour routine, but I can't resettle him when he wakes after 40 mins, without offering him the breast. I don't cave in straight away, and have been trying my hardest to 'hold out' with shh/pat and PU/PD, but he doesn't calm down!

Instead, I get to listen to screaming, for up to 25 mins, when his next feed (on a 3-hour cycle) is due, by which time he's sobbing, distraught, and the breast refusal is often worse than ever.  PU/PD is just so horrible. It seems to escalate his crying, to the point where he doesn't stop crying even for a minute, so there's no opportunity to put him down. He ends up bright red, sweaty, and anguished, and I end up on the verge of tears (sometimes over the verge!) myself, with ringing ears, and feeding him anyway because he's screamed his way right up to the next feed.

Essentially I don't think this is working, but I can't handle the short naps, I feel trapped by his breast refusal into feeding him to sleep, which means that PU/PD doesn't work, which means that I can't extend his routine.  AAAARRRGGGHHH!

I feel like I've lost my beautiful peaceful baby boy, and have turned him into a monster, and it's breaking my heart.

what should I do?

Bensmummy

[Lana]

I am going to move this to the Breast Feeding board as I think that the ladies there may be able to help you sort out the BF and then you can sleep train .

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[GraceKellysmom]

My answer is do what you need to do to survive. Stop reading books and reading what other people *think* you should do and listen to yourself and your baby and meet his needs. Blah, blah, blah about a 3 or 4 hrs schedule.

Tracy's biggest thing is "start as you mean to go on" and I am going to turn this around and say "you started one way and you need to gently keep going and making subtle changes". Your baby is used to feeding to sleep, you can't just trick your breasts and your baby into adopting the EASY schedule.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeding when sleepy - and slowly laying down to sleep when more and more awake. Baby steps will be what gets a touchy/sensitive baby to EASY or even AEASY. You can try reintroducing a pacifier, and also helping your ds to suck his thumb if he is keen. That may help the nursing to sleep, sucking to sleep is what he needs to relax and give in.

There are certain types of babies (my dd was one of them) who didn't fit into anyone's mold. I have been where you are and survived. My dd was so sensitive and touchy, anything would set her off, she couldn't soothe herself or settle to sleep without crying/screaming. I did my best to help her be comfortable and I told myself it was only for a short time. She was ready for more "sleep training" at 10 months old. She was also an unmedicated refluxer - this was causing a lot of the screaming and breast refusal (that and she was overeating because she wouldn't take a paci). (My second child was a near angel baby - you are not doomed!)

I want to stress that you absolutely don't have to fit into the BW (or any books) mold. Take what works for you and go with it.

I think you're awesome for making breastfeeding work, it takes a very strong and loving mommy to let herself become absorbed in love for a touchy and more difficult baby. I'll keep following your thread and I'm here if you want to chat.

[Bensmummy]

Thanks, Lana and Stacy,

I think you're probably right. I'm the kind of person who reads everything, and the BW sounds so incredibly good in theory, but I just haven't been able to figure out how to fit the technique to a baby who breast-refuses and struggles to eat enough.

It's hard to view my baby as a touchy baby when in all other settings, he's so calm and contented.

The main things that make him cry at the moment are if he's getting mad at me for offering the breast when he doesn't want it, and if he's woken early from a nap and is resisting being resettled (and boy, can he cry then! :shock: ).

He actually slept through last night, and also missed his cluster feed as we'd only just got him settled at 9pm. I thought he'd wake at 3am, hungry but he didn't. He woke at 7am, and then he started refusing the breast :shock:  :shock: ! I tell you, it's just so frustrating and bewildering. His nappy was dry despite the dream feed (which never is much in volume, due to low supply in the evening), so he should have been hungry and thirsty, but he just lost the plot after only a few minutes of sucking. This leaves me with aching, engorged boobs, not knowing whether to express to maintain supply or  to hang on in case he changes his mind and wants to feed.

I'm having a hard time now, as I kind of dread feeding, not knowing if he'll be refusing again, and now I dread naps, as he might wake early and I'll have to withstand prolonged anguished crying, sometimes all the way up to when his next feed is due. It doesn't leave much time for fun.

Believe it or not, I still think he's the most precious, beautiful baby in the world, so it's not all bad :wink: .

Bensmum

[annamum]

I agree with previous posters. Do what you need to do to survive. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to not be able to nurse your baby because he refuses it. Just wanted to tell you that it is OK to listen to your own instinct and follow it. When we are new moms we tend to be very vulnerable and we listen to any advice be it good or bad and ignore our own instinct.

Have you tried to have him in a sling? Especially after he wakes up early from a nap and you know he is going to scream till next feed, he might be able to resettle if you carried him in a sling. Some babies love to be carried in it, sometimes it takes a couple of times to get them used to it, though, and after that they are happy in it. It worked wonders for my dd, when in the evening she would usually just scream and nothing else worked. What makes them comfy is your movement, so you need to keep walking with him in it, you might go for a walk. Also, things will probably change for better soon, most of babies just grow out of this difficult phase at around 3 months.

[Bensmummy]

Thanks, Monika

We do have a sling, it's one where the baby faces inwards or outwards, and his body is held upright (good for burping :lol: ), I've never tried to get him to sleep in it though, I mainly use it in the supermarket so that I can go shopping with my baby.

I'll give it a try next time I'm having trouble resettling. Could be tricky getting him out of it and into the cot once he's asleep though, as it's got a few clips to undo, but it's worth a try. Otherwise I guess he can just stay in it until he next wakes up.

I wonder whether one of the across-the-body/sash-type slings where the baby is more reclined on his side might be better for resettling to sleep, but at nearly 5 months he might be too big. We might go to the baby store and have a look at one. Thanks again for the suggestion.

Cheers, Bensmummy

[GraceKellysmom]

You may sit and consider why he is refusing to nurse. If his diapers are dry after sleeping for 10 hrs, that makes me say hmmmm. Is he teething? Is he ill? Does he have an ear infection (often silent without fever)? Has he recently had immunizations (in the last week)? Has he bitten you and you gave him a shocked reaction?

[Bensmummy]

Thanks!

All good suggestions, but I don't think he's doing any of these things. He is drooling a lot but they say that can be normal for babies this age, and there's no sign of teeth on his gums. He's a very happy, alert, bright baby with no sign of a fever, no pulling at his ears, no unexplained crying.

Re; the dry nappy in the morning, I just think my supply in the late evening is very low (whereas in the morning there seems to be plenty - right when he's the LEAST interested in feeding :? ) so even though he feeds at 7pm, 9pm and 11pm with an extra single-sided top-up at 8pm-ish, by 11pm I think there's just very little milk.

I've tried expressing to increase supply but this made no difference to my evening supply, which is very frustrating. You'd also think that if I'm feeding him as frequently as I am during the day (three hourly feeds plus feeding to sleep) that there should be plenty of milk. Sadly, no. I'm hoping there's just enough. I would love to offer him some EBM via a cup or a dropper in the evenings, but a) I worry about worsening his breast refusal if I do and b) the stubborn streak in me says "why should this be necessary, why isn't my body responding to all this stimulation and making more milk? :x ", but after 4.5 months, I guess that's just not going to happen for me.

He did have immunisations about 2 weeks ago and this definitely made the refusal worse - he couldn't lie down on his L side for ages, but that doesn't explain why he still does it.

Even with the dry nappy in the morning, we still get about 5 wet disposables during the day, so I'm hoping that means he is getting enough in.

If you have any tips on how to increase supply in the evenings, I'd be very interested to know them  !

Thanks, Bensmummy

[GraceKellysmom]

Make sure you're drinking plenty of water (3-32oz cups per day) and getting the recommended 200 extra calories per day. Sometimes it is hard to remember to take care of mommy when an infant is much more demanding!  :wink:

It sounds like he is getting plenty, with 5 good wet diapers. As long as he is gaining weight and reaching his milestones, he is fine!