Is there any way to 'supportively' encourage someone to bf?

[deenz]

A friend of mine is 4wks away from giving birth to her second child.  Her first experience with bf was bad (from what she tells me, I did not know her at that time) and she had given up within 6wks or so.  Now, the way she talks, I don't see how she can be successful this time round either.  She'll say things like "The moment it starts getting like it was [with her first], I'm changing to formula".  I feel like I should be trying to support her, but I don't know how to do so tactfully.  I'm not sure she knows all the benefits of bf (eg. her daughter (16m) is constantly sick, and always has been, and I keep thinking that bf would have protected her from a lot of that since she's not in daycare or anything like that).

Should I do anything?  If so, how?

We are not close friends, just met through a mother's group, and also go to the same music group, email/call each other occasionally etc.

[Katet]

In Australia we have the Aust Breastfeeding Association & I directed a friend to that for support when she "anticipated problems" the second time around.

But the thing I have learnt from mothers in my Mother's group, is those that want to bf will until they are ready to stop... be that 3 weeks, 3months or year+... it is very hard for people to change other's opinions. Even those who know the benefits can often be overshadowed by their thoughts that bf is "hard" & they have to do it all by themselves.

Support her as you can, but if she isn't interested in long term bf, i doubt you will be able to change her ideas KWIM

[Erin M]

Has she taken a class?  I have never been very interesting in BF, though at 9.5 months we are still BF twice a day.  I found that taking the class got me through the difficult parts in the beginning.  At least I had a better idea of what to expect and how to remedy problems that came up.  Though as Kate said, if she's not really interested, it might be hard to convince her to take a class.

[GraceKellysmom]

It kinda sounds like she might be guilted into trying it again, that she's already made up her mind about what she really wants to do. And that is ok.

Let her know that you're there if she wants help or support, give her numbers for a l/c or LLL support group, and that is the best you can do. If she really just wants to do formula, then be her friend anyway.  :wink:

IMHO, a mom really has to want it to get it done. Or want to want it.

[Lilah'sMommy]

IMHO, a mom really has to want it to get it done. Or want to want it.

I totally agree.  Sticking out those first few weeks is a real challenge, at a time when you're not much up for challenges.  If you're not committed, you probably won't succeed in making it past those first 6 weeks.

[annamum]

True, it is an attitude that makes it successfull. I have heard of so many women going through difficulties with breastfeeding because they were set on making it happen. You probably can't change her mind too much but you can help her if she is ready for a change. Sometimes nursing a second time around may be easier and she won't see it as sooo difficult and may ask you (if you make it known to her that you may help) for some help.

Yeah, let her know that you are ready to help if she has issues with nursing and don't make her feel pressured that you expect her to succeed.

[Joey'sMom]

I kind of disagree.  A friend warned me right before I had ds "Breastfeeding seems REALLY bad until you get over 'the hump.'  You've got to give it a fair chance." 

That was very good advice.  I had a lot of post partem issues, was miserable, and HATED breastfeeding.  But because of what my friend said, I stuck with it.  In the end, I LOVED it.  It's a complete bonding thing.

And by the way, my hump was about 7.5 weeks long.

[GraceKellysmom]

"Breastfeeding seems REALLY bad until you get over 'the hump.' 

So true!!!

[Erin (redstarfalling)]

My sister lent me Jack Newman's Guide to Breastfeeding, which I read before I delivered and became a bf-convert! I have now lent it to 3 moms, one of which is now breastfeeding at 14 months and the other 2 haven't yet delivered.  (I MAY eventually give my sister back the book... :wink: )

[deenz]

Thank you.  I know that really it is none of my business how she feeds her baby, and of course I will support her whichever way she ends up going.  However, since I feel so strongly about bf, and I know that there is not nearly enough support out there, I feel like I should be at least 'doing my bit' to maybe help her.  I do feel that perhaps she has made up her mind already, or at least is not prepared to go through any hard times - if it's not easy, it's not going to happen.  To her it is not worth it.  But just listening (yesterday) to other mothers talking about offering formula (to another mother who at the moment is ebf) I realise how much mis-information there is out there... and how will that change if people who know better don't say anything?  :? (Not that there's anything wrong with offering formula, it was just the reasoning behind it).

[Mariek]

Hi Denise

I just wanted to say be careful how you tread with this one. I had a bad experience with BFing because I was unwell and Grace was prem and ended up bottle feeding her. She probably still feels guilty about not BFing - I know I do, I've just noticed how I've added reasons why I couldn't to this post, as if I somehow need to justify why I didn't IYKWIM. If it wasn't for all the support I know I'd get from you ladies I probably wouldn't even consider trying to BF the next one.

Just mind how you raise this with her because when someone is very pro-breast feeding to a bottle feeding Mum it can sometimes come across as "You don't want to do the best for your baby". Which is hard to hear, and is more likely to get her back up than to make her think about BFing.

I know that it would never be your intention to make your friend feel like that  - I just wanted to give you a view from the other side so to speak.

HTH

love

[PaolaG]

Maybe you could also let hew know how different babies are - and that some are much better at latching on than others.  So somehow its not just her decision, its just as much about what her new baby is like, and about what is doing to work in the relationship between them.  It seems a bit silly but when I was pregnant everyone asked me if I was going to breastfeed - and my response was 'I don't know' - it depends on the baby , on my milk , on how I am with it.  I was lucky and my baby latched on and fed from the beginning.  THough also having a friend or a bf consultant around who can help make sure that positioning and latch on is good can really help   
I think that telling a mum that bfeeding is best is probably a bit like telling a smoker that smoking is dangerous ... it may not help much and may just bring out negative feelings

[Katet]

I think Marie made a fantastic point... my bestfriend is preg after 12 years of trying & I (stupidly) asked if she would bf... I am extremely pro bf & she said she may or may not... her justification was she had seen too many friends who wanted to bf, have problems & feel quilty they couldn't. She didn't want to set her self up for that "fall"... NOW for me I Wanted to bf more than anything (& have scars on my nipples to prove it) & I would have expressed for 12months just to give milk... but that is me.
I have learnt to accept that some people just don't really want to bf that much - except that they know it is good for their babies & so do it for 6 weeks (or what ever time) as a compromise for them & the baby & I think it is important to do as you say... be there for support... but NOT pass you ideas/opinions/judgement. Motherhood is so hard with out adding extra guilts for doing/not doing something.

Best of luck

[deenz]

Hello again.  Thanks for posting Marie - how you feel is exactly how I don't want to make my friend feel, so maybe I should just leave it be.

[Lilah'sMommy]

Thanks for your post, Marie.  I can see what you mean.

Denise, maybe you can say "Breastfeeding is really hard for the first bit.  If you need help, any time, I'd be more than happy to help you."?  Maybe you could strike a balance between making her feel as if she is a "bad mom" for giving up and not saying anything to encourage her at all?