Need help - tired,confused & embarassed!

[N Lou]

Hi ladies,
I feel so embarassed that i have to come here and ask for help because i should have had the foresight to prevent this from happening.  But here i am, desperate for a solution and forget my pride! :roll:

Basically we've had sleep problems with ds for months now.  He's had several bouts of sickness and we got into alot of bad habits just to try and get through it and now they've stuck.  It was made worse when we went to stay at my parents for 5 days and he shared a room (and a bed on most nights) with us.
So, as it stands, he now needs us to stay in the room while he falls asleep and then wakes frequently (anywhere between 5-12 times a night) needing us to go in and hold him and then stay till he's asleep.  I'm finding this exhausting, physically and emotionally.
He cries so much sometimes, even if i'm stood right beside the cot and i can't bear the crying.  It makes me so angry for some reason then i end up shouting at him, then i cry and he cries and the whole bedtime thing is turning into such a negative experience for us both.

Nap times are even worse and always have been.  He's always gone to sleep in his pushchair (due to other circumstances beyond my control) or cuddling/rocking with me and then sleeps on the sofa in the lounge. The length can vary between 1-2 hours and is often quite cranky when he wakes (even if he's had a 'good' nap!) and makes the entire afternoon a constant battle so by the time bedtime comes i will do whatever it takes to get him to sleep quickly and quietly, kwim?
So i'm now in a vicious cycle.
DH helps out alot and deals with night wakings and puts him to bed too but he has just as much trouble (he never did before, he always did bedtime routine without a hitch) and lately has been falling asleep in the room with ds too.
So all these factors have cotributed to the overall problem and now i'm so tired that i can't see the best way to appoach it.  I know whatever we do he is going to cry, but i am concerned how my patience will hold out.

Bless you if you made it this far, i sound neurotic and i probably am!
I need help so i can get a full nights sleep!!! :cry:

EDITED TO ADD: I've also recently quit smoking since i found out we were pregnant so i'm super moody at the moment as it is!!!  IAny suggestions on how to keep my cool would be GREATLY appreciated!
TIA guys!

[jessica and emilys mummy]

Have pm'd you regarding this

[N Lou]

Received and responded sarah, thanks!

The other thing i forgot to mention is that ds has been waking every morning at 5am and will not go back to sleep regardless of anything that we do. :cry:
He goes to bed at 7-7.30pm at night and his naps are usually 1-2 hours long, never more.
He used to sleep till 6.30am.
Any ideas?

[lynzimillar]

Hi, just wanted to try and give you some help with this, a while ago I was having similar problems and was so upset and tired all the time I was really struggling to cope. Then, once I had reached the end of my tether and beyond, my wondeful health visitor gave me some sleep training advice and it worked!!!!!

Place your childs cot or bed nearer the door of their room so they can see in to the hallway/landing, place a baby gate on the doorway so they cannot get out of the room but can see out.

After washing etc, go straight to the nursery/bedroom, get dressed in jammies there taking no more than 1/2 hour from starting to get ready (bath/clean, teeth, jammies etc) to getting into cot or bed. Turn the lights down low and then read their favourite story/song etc setting a limit on one or two books that stays the same every night. I always finish with the same book too so they know when lights out time is coming.

Then BEFORE your child is asleep, say night, night, kiss them, turn lights out and leave room immediately, shutting baby gate. DO NOT return for two minute, whether the child is screaming or out of bed or rattling gate. After two minutes place them back in bed saying bed time darling and leave, repeat the process three times, second time repeating bed time darling and third time just say bed time but do not raise your voice or give eye contact.

After this point, if the child keeps crying go back after 6 minutes then 8 then ten up to a maximum of twenty minutes then keep going in every twenty minutes until the child stops crying. Do not go in if they are just moaning slighlty, even if they are out of bed.

If they settle and then start crying later on, waith two minutes before you go up and then continue with routine above.

For first two nights my daughter slept on the floor by the gate after 2 hours of screaming, which, yes, was horrible and upsetting and I think I slept even less from worrying but by night three she was asleep in her bed within 20 minutes and only carried on with this and two or three night wakings for a week, we are now getting 12 hours a night sleep and she is going down with virtually no fuss!!

It is well worth a try, needless to say, our health visitor got a huge bunch of flowers for her help!! GOOD LUCK, you are not alone!!!!

[Bryony's mum]

Ben's a bit younger than Connor but we've had some probs with nights (and still are having them  :oops: ), and naps have always been a battle. 

Ben has always woken in the night, and up until a month ago I fed him, laid him down and he went back to sleep.  I knew I didn't want to be feeding but then I was too tired to take the time to deal with it properly so went for the quick fix.  Then suddenly Ben stopped just going back to sleep, and instead stood up and howled as I went towards the door.  Even if he'd been lying completely quiet and still and looked like he was dozing off.  It was a nightmare, particularly as it was the last week f term an I was exhausted.

Anyway, to cut a long story a little shorter, there was a night where I ended up sleeeping on the carpet next to the cot as I couldn't leave the room.  :shock:  :oops:   So next might we strated sleep training, in exactly the way I did it with Bryony at 11 mths.

I would lay him down and whisper 'goodnight poppet' then turn and walk out and close the door (or almost close it, since I knew I'd be straight back in!  :lol: ).  Ben would stand up and strat howling, I'd wait a couple of seconds, then go straight back in, lay him down, whisper the same phrase and leave again.  Every time the same, although as he got more tired, I would listen to him cry for a little longer just to see whether he was starting to wind down - nothing worse than rushing in to find he was still lying down and trying to get to sleep.  :roll:   the other thing I did was, if he was still crying when I laid him down (normally he stopped once I approached. but not always) I rested a hand on him and stroked him gently.  the moment he was calm, I said goodnight and left the room again.

The first time I did it he was so angry and screamed every time I lay him down.  I went in about 30 times the first session, but he quickly learned what would happen, and would start to lie down again as I approached the cot.  It never took that long again.

It's still not perfect - Bryony was sleeping through 12 hrs within 3 nights, but Ben still wakes and needs a quick settle.  he's also started waking at 4.30 am, and  :oops:  :oops:  :oops:  I've taken to feeding him and keeping him in our bed as I can't face dealing with it, but since he takes up so much space, I might have to pull myself together and sort it out!!

I've tried the same method with naps and it worked, although it's hard to be consistent and keep bryony occupied too, so things have gone a bit haywire since Christmas.

Anyway, sorry to be so longwinded, but this is what is working for us.  The way I think about it is that it's just like PU/PD, but I leave the room each time rather than just putting him down.  I feel happy that, although he cries because he's so frustrated with me and the fact he can't get to sleep, he knows that I'll be there when he needs me and he's learning healthier sleep habits.

HTH - sorry again for the length.  :oops:

[Bryony's mum]

Sorry -just wanted to add that we did/do the same at bedtime.  We obviously do the whole bedtime routine, quiet,dim, cuddly etc, and, since we did 'bedtime training' a few months ago, there isn't usually any problem with him going straight off to sleep.  If there is a problem, I just do the going in and out.

[N Lou]

Thanks for that Alisa, thats pretty much the same advise as Sarah gave me so i think that will be my plan!

Its reassuring to know its worked for others, gives me some hope at least.  I was going to start tonight but Connor has got yet another cough (reason this all started :roll: ) and has been sick loads today :cry: .
So i don't want to do anything to make him cry as it brings on the coughing then vomiting!  :x

Anyways, as soon as he's better i'm going to start before the next bout!
Will keep you posted on progress!
Oh and Alisa, if you find a magic cure for the early wakings, do let me know? :lol:  :lol: