12 Month Old Has Never Slept Through Night - Help!

[milesmac]

I have a wonderful 12 month old boy who will not sleep through the night.  He wakes between 7 and 730 am.  He goes down for a nap between 9 and 930 and will sleep approximately 90 minutes.  He naps a second time between 1 and 130 for another 90 minutes.  He goes to bed between 7 and 730 pm.  However, he will wake every 1.5 to 2 hours through the night.  We try to let him self soothe but he will cry for 30 to 90 minutes so we end up going in periodically to calm him.  He is not hungry, not wet, and not too cold/hot and will stop crying instantaneously if he is picked up.  We are exhausted.  Please help!

[Katet]

How does he fall asleep at the start of naps/bedtime?

Are you leaving him for that 30-90mins & he is crying or just making noise?

[milesmac]

We have a bedtime routine and he goes down easily at the start of naps/bedtime.  No fussing or crying.  However, when he wakes, it starts as a cry and progresses into screaming which continues until he either falls back asleep or we finally give up and take him out of the crib because we need some sleep.  When he starts screaming, we go in every 10-15 minutes to reassure him and calm him.  If he is just making noise/self soothing, we leave him alone and let him fall back to sleep.

[Katet]

Could you outline the bedtime & naptime routine as I think part of it has become a prop to him falling asleep & that is part of the problem. He needs that routine to go back to sleep at a light sleep phase & thus when you let him cry, he is just getting confused as the rules have changed on him, so when he does go back to sleep from crying it is out of complete exhaustion & despondency, that no one is coming to help him & he is confused as he has to go to sleep 2 ways & so never learns how to sleep independently.

Also at 12months separation anxiety is a factor & if you are leaving him to cry for 10-15mins regularly he possibly has separation anxiety issues that need to be addressed as they are adding to why he can't fall back asleep when he wakes up... you may already be seeing the effect of this in his day time behaviour (more clingy) if not it will probably surface in the next few months

This BW site (& myself) doesn't advocate leaving a baby to cry/scream alone to settle as that is a babies "help me call". Up until about 3yo, children don't have the ability to have cause & effect... so it isn't a "manipulative" action it is a cry from "genuine" need... so please reconsider leaving him to cry/scream alone... whinge is fine as that is unwinding, but the cry is a real need for help, which is why it repeatedly happens, from my understanding (but not agreement) most babies left to CIO learn in a week or 2 that no one is coming so it is time to go to sleep & the time usually goes to less crying over time & it doesn't sound like it has, which is why I think the bedtime/naptime routine is a "prop"

[milesmac]

Generally, when he wakes in the morning, we feed him, play with him, etc., then between 9am and 930 am, we tell him it is time for a nap.  We read a story, 'say goodnight to the world (this was something my husband started based on the Goodnight Moon book), bring him in his room, and kiss him goodnight.  Same for the afternoon nap.  In the evening, he eats dinner then we put on his pajamas, and follow the same routine as for the naps. 

We have read several books including Baby Wise (which I thought was militant), Healthy Sleeper Happy Baby, and the books by Richard Ferber.  Over the last 12 months we have tried multiple things to get him to fall asleep on his own and to sleep through the night.  We managed to get him to go down easily but have failed at getting him to sleep through the night.  We have tried having him sleep in our room, going into his room as soon as he starts crying, and letting him cry it out.  I dislike letting him cry it out as it goes against all my maternal instincts.  However, for the several months that we went in at the first sign of a distress cry, it seemed to produce more frequent awakenings.

We are frustrated that the books offer conflicting information and we realize that there is no one answer.  We are willing to try anything and are open to any suggestions you might have.  Thanks

[Katet]

I forgot to ask, does he use a Paci, as that would probably be a big part of the problem if he does

I agree different authors offer conflicting advice, but you need to find the one that fits your personality & work with that... my SIL uses BabyWise & swears by it, my Sis, Contented baby book by Gina Ford & thinks that is great... I hate both ideas & like the Baby Whisperer ideas... (in my opinion) the different philosphies come from the different attitudes people have towards a baby/parent relationship. Some see it as a controller of the baby...ie the parent is boss & baby does what the parent requires...others the parent is the guide to help the baby through life & works with the baby & its needs not to the baby/child... this is the philospohy I believe in.

With a baby they learn through routines & rituals, your lo goes to sleep well because you have a good routine, BUT how you respond is inconsistent & so he is confused, he doesn't know what to do at night when he wakes up...oh you came to me, so if I cry long enough you will come, oh I'm so tired of crying, I can't do it any more & my body is making me fall asleep... I wake up I cry some more.

The only way to fix it is to be 100% consistent. If you want to let him CIO (as you know this site is strongly opposed to that) then you need to ALWAYS do it... if you choose to pat him back then you need to always do that. I personally think having a look at the PU/PD method  (see forums on that) & using that for the nightwakings would be the best & most consistent approach.

[milesmac]

Thanks so much.  I appreciate your advice and agree that consistency is the key.  I think we have been so overtired that it is hard to remain consistent.  I am happy that baby whisperer does not recommend the CIO method and wish I had found your web site earlier.  The CIO method is often recommended and we went with it after other options had failed.  I will check out the PU/PD info.