Hi –
Welcome to the Babywhisperer boards! As you have already so astutely noted
, these boards are different as is the philosophy of the original Babywhisperer, Tracy Hogg. I commend you on not wanting to raise your son “by the book”. Seems paradoxical but Tracy Hogg has written books and they are fantastic (closest thing to a baby user’s manual if you ask me
), but the underlying essence of her books is that you need to listen to your baby and act accordingly. There is no “one size fits all” if you know what I mean. That being said, her philosophy is basically that she does not believe in leaving babies to cry it out and feels that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the gift of being able to fall asleep independently. Things that are used to lull a baby into sleep are called “props”, and they include things like feeding to sleep, rocking, bouncing, etc. From what I gather, your son is dependent on props to get to sleep. Then when he has a partial awakening either during a nap or at night, he does not know how to get back to sleep. The rocking, the boob, bottle, or whatever is no longer there and he believes he needs that thing in order to get back to sleep.
I cannot have the full picture just by communicating online here, but I think your son is really overtired and this has a knock on effect of making it harder for him to fall asleep and stay asleep. With adults, when we are really tired we can just crash within minutes. With infants and small children, they get more riled up the more tired they are (it is actually a chemical thing – cortisol is released and it is almost like adrenaline). So
sleep begets sleep. The better rested he is with his naps during the day, the better he will sleep at night.
I also have had experience with my daughter when I was feeling a lot of anxiety that she could sense that and be upset. I thought there was no way that this was true, but once I calmed down she calmed down considerably. So it is possible that your son is sensing your very understandable apprehension and frustration. Anything you can do to try to remain calm and collected would benefit both of you. Easier said than done I know…
I cannot stress enough that you and your wife must be on the same page about what to do about this situation. If you are going to teach him independent sleep, then you must agree on a method and stick to it. It must be done consistently or else your son will just get confused and this will undo all of the hard work you put in. So things will be tough for a while once you start teaching him independent sleep, but it does not sound like things are that great right now. So short term pain for long-time gain kind of thing….
I agree that your son probably should be sleeping in his crib. But I don’t think that him sleeping in his crib will solve all of the sleep problems he is facing. He needs to know how to fall asleep on his own.
I don’t know if your wife has the book,
The Babywhisperer Solves All of Your Problems, but definitely get a copy and look it over. Tracy Hogg details two methods of teaching independent sleep – one is called pat/shush and the other is pick up/put down.
I stand by my advice from earlier today in my last post about needing naps, etc. I really believe in the Babywhisperer techniques and it has made me a better mom. I am able to understand my daughter’s needs and thus meet them. And my husband is also happy with things. We are not constantly guessing what the matter is with our daughter. Indeed, she is a much less fussy baby as we can often anticipate her needs.
I really hope you and your wife can have a fruitful conversation about how to work towards improving things. The fact that both of you love your son very much and want him to be well rested so that you can enjoy him even more is all that matters.
Keep your eyes on that ultimate goal and come together to make and execute a plan that is appropriate to both of you and your son.Good luck and let me know how you are doing. I will be thinking of you all.
