temper tantrums at sleep time

[JamieRyansmum]

Hi,

Has anyone else come across a child who seems to be afraid of bed-time?  If so i would love to hear your thoughts.

I am becoming increasingly frustrated at the moment trying to work out what is going on with my ds (27mths).  As i mentioned on a previous post he went from being a good independent sleeper ...... to a clingy, demanding we are tearing our hair out with frustration, kind of sleeper.     I really hope this sounds familiar to someone.  I will give you a brief description of his current bed routine to help paint the picture.
 
(Average Times)
5pm   - Bath time
5.30pm   - tea time
7.30pm      - bed routine starts.

Bed Routine
7.15pm ish  - we pack up toys and start to talk to him about bed time coming up and "how good it will be to have a big sleep" etc...
7.30pm ish  - we tell him its bed time now so lets choose a book to read and have a final cuddle with.
7.40pm ish - he feeds himself a bottle, grabs a dummy and says goodnight to everyone
               - I bring him to bed and from the moment i try to put him in his cot he starts to loudly protest.  He really pulls out all the stops, crying ,stamping, throwing his dummy and refusing to lay down.
             - we always try to keep a calm voice and say things like ' shh its sleepy time now'
            - if we leave the room now (even leaving the door open) he escalates to dummy throwing and screaming and hysterics.
             
I guess this is the point where we are now.  We have tried controlled crying  - which either we arent doing correctly or isnt working; we have also tried just leaving him to cry it out which seems to result in a deeper fear of bed time and poor sleep throughout the night.  We have tried bargening - ie  'lay down and mummy/daddy will stay with you till you fall asleep and if he dosent lay down we leave the room and try again in a few minuites.  Finally the only thing i am having any success with is physically lying down next to his cot till he falls asleep then sneaking out - this can last up to 2 hours and he will often play (especially during nap time) while i try not to give him any eye contact or feedback.


Just reading through all these posts is a good morale booster when you are having a bad day as you get to step outside the box for a moment and perhaps see similiar traits and difficulties and all your different approaches.   I would welcome some thoughts on my situation as i feel like i am going in circles and need a new perspective.

Many many thanks in anticipation!

[tylersmommy]

Tyler (26 mo) recently went through a phase of this after he was sick. We've also seen it here and there out of the blue when he was younger. Our number one rule is no binky throwing. He's old enough to understand it, and if we let him do it, it becomes a game to him. When he throws it, we'll go in, look him straight in the eye, and tell him "Binky stays in your crib. If you throw it, mommy will take it away." We'll say it a couple of times to make sure he understands and give it back. If he throws it again, we take it away and tell him "mommy said binkys stay in the crib. I'm going to take this away until you can keep it in the crib." Yes, he goes bananas and screams the house down, and I feel incredibly mean, but it curbs the binky tossing. He either falls asleep without it or gets it back after he calms down.

We've had great success with the "in and out" method. After the routine, we put Tyler into the crib, even if he protests. We have a key phrase ("night night, Tyler") that we say, then we leave. We stand in the hallway and give him a few seconds to settle himself. We count to 10, some people count to 5, it really just depends on your DS and how long it takes you to realize that he isn't going to soothe himself. This is different from controlled crying because you don't increase the intervals and you LISTEN to your DS to determine when to go back in and soothe him. When he doesn't settle, you go back in to him. We start with standing outside the door and say our phrase (night night, Tyler). If that doesn't work, we'll stand in the doorway where he can see us and say it again. If it still doesn't work, we go to his side and say it again. As SOON as he calms down, we leave again and start over. This can go on for a long time, and you'll likely be in and out of his room billions of times. But if you're consistent, it does work. It may take a little longer, since you've tried some other approaches that may have reinforced his fear, but stick with it!

The point of all this? If he's afraid of the crib or having a bout of sep anx, the key to him getting over it is knowing that if he cries, you respond every single time. Lots of parents on the site have had success with this...I'm sure you'll hear from them too! Good luck and let us know how it goes!

[JamieRyansmum]

Thanks,  we will give it a go starting tonight so i'll let you know how it goes.   I agree that listening to the tone of the cry is key rather than waiting a specified number of minutes.  This always just made it worse. 
I also agree on the dummy issue.  DS also knows that if he throws dummy (binky/paci) its gone unless he calms down and lies down.  We are trying to restrict dummy use to bedtimes only.  I think its just his way of getting us back into the room with him.
How long is naptime in your house?  Do you think shortening it to only an hour or cutting it out completely will help???                          Will let you know how it all goes.   Thanks again!

[tylersmommy]

Naptime varies quite a bit in our house. Yesterday, Tyler skipped his nap. Today, he napped for 2.5 hrs. It really just depends. His bedtime is 8:30, and we know from experience that if he naps past 4 he won't be tired enough at bedtime. I don't know if shortening or eliminating his nap would help...this sounds like separation anxiety, and tinkering with his nap if he still needs that sleep could make him overtired, which can make things worse. Keep us posted!

[Lan]

 i wouldn't try too hard to get him to sleep at naptime. Leave him in his room if he's happy, if he wants to sleep that's good, if he wants to play with his toys just give him an hour or so of play and put him to bed earlier that day. You could tell him him it's quiet playtime or naptime if he's tired so he doesn't feel pressured to sleep  - then he might sleep anyway! Reassure him - 'I'm just in the next room if you want something'. Then if he cries out for something go to him - he'll probably test you to see if you mean what you say at first. That at least saves you from having to stay with him for 2 hours!

The night time might be more difficult because he;s been left to cry so is probably anxious. I would do the walk in /walk out as Melissa suggested. My 2 yr old son has been waking on and off for the past 3 weeks so that's what I tried last night too! When he threatens to throw his teddy out of the cot I leave the room.

[JamieRyansmum]

Thankyou all.  We have had good progress the last 2 nights so hopefully we are on the up again.  He is much less panicked at bed time now but still doesnt like me leaving the room.  Im just happy he is much calmer now so thankyou all again for all your advice and well wishes its great to hear your stories and advice.