Congratulations on such a magnificent breastfeeding record! I'm sure you'll have lots to offer us on this board.
This article has some interesting suggestions about weaning a toddler. I don't agree with all its language (it concentrates a lot on 'tantrums') but it has a lot to think about. I'll paste it here in full in case the link ever disappears so it'll be on this thread for good.
Here are my suggestions for mother-led weaning and
handling tantrums.
Disclaimer: Please ignore any suggestions you don't want.
Breastfeeding is healthy for children; this advice is
not to be taken as encouragement to decide to wean, but
only as advice on how to wean if you have decided to.
Many people use "child-led" weaning, simply waiting until
the child stops nursing.
The advice is based on weaning older children. Breastmilk
is good for the health of older children, too. Their
brains are still growing (their heads aren't adult size
yet) and breastmilk contains fatty acids needed for brain
growth. If a child gets the flu, it's good to be able
to give them breastmilk; sometimes they vomit everything
else. Breastmilk has many beneficial properties and I'm
sure it's good for the health of older children in many
ways. The World Health Organization recommends
breastfeeding
for at least two years. Nothing in this article is
intended
to mean that people "must" or "should" do any particular
thing. The imperative is sometimes used to save space,
but all of these are just suggestions. Every family is
unique and children may not behave as described here.
End of disclaimer.
Balance three principles:
(1) Love and compassion
(2) Consistency
(3) Your right not to breastfeed
You have the right not to breastfeed. It's your body.
You have the power, too. You're bigger than the kid;
you can keep your shirt buttoned. A kid has a tantrum
in an attempt to influence you, but you decide how
you're influenced. Suddenly deciding never to nurse
again satisfies your right not to breastfeed.
It's short on both love and consistency, though. If
you were willing to nurse for 18 minutes yesterday,
being willing to nurse for 16 minutes today is reasonable
consistency. Suddenly stopping nursing altogether might
leave the child wondering, "what did I do wrong?"
You decide the balance. If it's extremely important
to you never to nurse again, then never nurse again.
Remember, though, that it's likely extremely important
to your child to continue nursing.
Giving in and nursing after a half-hour tantrum after
you'd said you wouldn't nurse is definitely not
consistency, though it may be compassion.
For tantrums, I recommend consistently (always or
very, very close to always) refusing to change your
mind just because of a tantrum. Or, if you're going
to change your mind, do it early in the tantrum or
preferably before the tantrum. Compassion says to change
your mind; consistency says to stick to your
decision. Giving in after a half-hour tantrum
shows the kid that tantrums are worthwhile and
encourages more half-hour tantrums in the future.
"She hasn't given in yet. Maybe I need to be louder."
Before saying something that the kid might disagree
with, I suggest stopping and thinking. Ask yourself
whether you're ready to sit through a tantrum.
How tired and hungry is the child? How tired and
hungry and irritable are you? If you're too tired
to sit through a tantrum calmly, then consider just
not saying the thing. Don't do this: say it, wait for the
tantrum, then give in. Just act as if that was what
you were going to do the first time. Example:
rather than just saying, "let's go home from the
playground now," say "let's go and buy
some raspberries and then go home."
Example: rather than saying, "no nursing now",
say "OK, five minutes." And then stick with it.
But as Barbara Coloroso says, if what you said the
first time was stupid, don't stick with it. You're
allowed to change your mind. You can show compassion...
just don't get in the habit of giving in after
tantrums or whining. If you feel loving, it's compassion.
If you feel resentful, it's giving in.
Sometimes a kid having a tantrum is best left alone
for a while to calm down. After a while the kid may
accept hugs and calming words. It's good to show
affection like this to a kid who's experiencing
strong emotions. Keep clear in your mind what is
affection and what is giving in. Loving words, hugs
and an offer to fetch a drink are affection.
Changing your mind about the thing that triggered
the tantrum is giving in; telling the kid at this
point that you'll buy them some candy is probably
in the same category.
People need exercize when angry. It's good to
encourage the child to run, kick, punch a pillow,
etc. rather than just holding the child still to
avoid having anyone get hurt, though sometimes this
may be necessary. If you're getting angry yourself,
going out for a walk is good.
Back to weaning. I suggest gradually setting more
and more limits on the nursing. If you feel resentful
about nursing, that's a sign that maybe you need to
speed up the weaning. If the child objects a lot,
that's a sign that maybe you need to slow it down.
First step: establish a pattern of having the
child wait calmly after asking to nurse and before
nursing. Do this by having gradually increasing
lengths of time between the asking and the nursing.
Fill this time with ritual actions like pouring
yourself a drink, so the child knows you haven't
forgotten and also knows you won't speed up if
he/she cries.
Next step: establish that you can refuse to nurse.
Don't do that at bedtime; bedtime will probably be
the last nursing to go. When the child is not too
tired or irritable, say something like, "not right
now." and do something else instead like read a story.
At first, when the child asks again half an hour later
just nurse as usual. Gradually you can increase the
number of times you refuse, without the child objecting
too strongly. Remember to use a loving tone of voice
when refusing, and to give the child other kinds of
attention.
Next step: restrict nursing to certain times of day.
For example, you might establish a pattern that
naptime and bedtime are the only nursing times.
Say, "I'll nurse you at bedtime" if the child asks
to nurse during the day.
Next step: gradually decrease the length of time of
the nursing sessions. You might start with a limitation of
20 minutes of nursing, warning the child when there were
5 minutes or 2 minutes left. It's good to be consistent
about the warnings. If I forgot the 2 minute warning,
I would pretend nothing was unusual, give a 2 minute
warning, and nurse for an extra 2 minutes. The child
becomes accustomed to the 5 and 2 minute warnings and
may accept a tacit gradual reduction in the
length of the nursing session. Later, you can start with
"OK, I'll nurse for 5 minutes," giving the 2-minute
warning, and still later just "OK, I'll nurse for 2 minutes."
To end the nursing session, say "It's time to stop now,"
give the child a few seconds to stop by themselves, and
if they don't, then stick your finger in their mouth and
make them stop. If they stop by themselves you can smile
and thank them for stopping. If you make them stop you
can still smile. Don't punish them or require them to stop
by themselves. After nursing don't wait around for
them to ask for more but immediately announce what's
happening next, "I'm reading you a story now" or
"I'm cooking dinner now," give the child a hug and get up.
The steps can be mixed, actually. As you shorten the
nursing times, you can also gradually put more restrictions
on the situations you're willing to nurse in.
The value of consistency is this: if you do
different things at different times,
the child gets the impression that their tantrums and whines
seem to work sometimes; you seem to be giving in
sometimes. But if you're consistent, then you're
predictable, and the child can clearly see that the
tantrums are having no effect.
Consistency must be in ways that are meaningful to
the child. A child who has trouble telling the difference
between naptime and bedtime will think it highly
inconsistent of you to always nurse at bedtime but
not at naptime. It will help a bit if you explain, "I nurse
if we're going to sleep when it's dark outside."
Remember that the child will take this literally, if
it's dark due to thunderstorms or light outside late
in the summer. Also it may seem illogical to the child,
like if your husband were to say to you, "I only carry
on long conversations with you on even-numbered days of
the month".
Consistency doesn't have to mean doing exactly the same
thing every time. Part of consistency is doing what you
say; being predictable. Perhaps sometimes, when the
child asks, you nurse immediately, and other times you
say, "I'll get myself a drink and then I'll nurse."
Consistency here means that if you say you'll get a
drink, you always do, even if the child cries.
One hurdle to get over is ending a bedtime nursing
session before the child is asleep. I suggest something
like this: A few days before, say "I might not always
nurse you until you're all the way asleep." Then start
saying, before nursing to sleep, "I might not nurse you
all the way asleep today. I'll nurse for 20 minutes
(or 'until I'm tired'), and if you're asleep then, fine,
and if you're not, I'll ask you to stop nursing and
please go the rest of the way to sleep yourself."
It's important to use a loving tone of voice when saying
this and to hug the child. If you use a loving tone of
voice the child is much more likely to accept it.
Phrase it like asking the child a big favour: "Mummy is
tired; I'm asking you to help me and go part of the
way to sleep yourself. I'll nurse you until you're
partway to sleep, and then you go to sleep yourself."
Then nurse for a while, and say quietly and very lovingly,
"I need to stop nursing now," hug the child, stop nursing,
hug the child again, and lie quietly to go to sleep.
If this doesn't work, I'm not sure what to do.
I suggest getting the child used to restrictions on
nursing during the daytime before doing this.
I think sometimes "giving in" when a child is having
a tantrum may be the right thing to do. But very
rarely! Or perhaps such situations never arise in
some families. When you "give in", then the child
learns that tantrums work. Giving in to one tantrum
can lead to many tantrums in the future because
the child has hope that you may give in again.
It's good to be sensitive to your child's needs
and wants and preferences and feelings. It's good
to be influenced by these things. The child should
have some control or influence over what happens.
However, it's not necessary to let tantrums be the
way these feelings are communicated. It's better
to listen to the child when the child gives quiet
or subtle or assertive messages, and respond to these.
If a child says loudly, "I don't want to go!" it's
OK to say, "OK, we won't go then." This is responding to an
emphatic, assertive message from the child.
This is not "giving in"; this is changing your mind
based on the child's input. It's good to do that.
(It's your decision, though; you know whether it's
a situation where this decision is appropriate.)
It's not a good idea, though, to do this: Child says,
"I don't want to go!" You say, "We have to go, though."
Child yells, breaks things, and won't let you put his/her
coat on. You then say "OK, I guess we won't go."
Here, you've refused to respond to the child's assertive
message, but you've responded to a tantrum. This
teaches a child that tantrums are the way to get a
message across to you. It's better to be more sensitive,
to let the child get messages across more easily than that.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because the
child uses an angry tone of voice to tell you something,
that you should refuse them. You can say, "You feel very
strongly about that. OK, we won't go. Your tone of
voice hurt me, though. Please talk more quietly next time."
(But make sure you take the child's preferences into account
when the child does talk quietly!)
Be steadfast. Learn to wait all the way through a tantrum,
staying calm yourself and not yelling at the child, and
being confident in yourself that you won't change your
mind and give in. Resolve to yourself, "No matter what
he/she does, I won't get mad and I won't change my mind."
And then offer the child love and understanding.[/font]
http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~an588/wean.txtI'm not sure who it's by and apologies for weird format!
