Having a hard time deciding when to stop :(

[rooby-rooby-roo]

Red is now 10 months old and still feeding 3 or 4 times a day. I love BF'ing and he loves to BF. Perfect right???

My problem is this: I have a history of disordered eating, over-eating and such like. I find it very very hard to eat within the realms of moderation. I either over-eat or diet. (Please don't anyone make any comments about 'trying to eat sensibly' - i know the theory, but i have a serious problem that i am trying and have been trying to solve for years!) If i diet while breastfeeding my milk just dries up and like any other BF mother i get hungry so i eat! I put on an average amount of weight while pg, but rather bizarrely didn't lose any of it when he arrived (literally not even a lb!) and have put on about 45lbs since he was born.

I am having counselling for my food issues and my counseller feels that it would be in my best interests for me to stop BF as she thinks that i am using as a barrier to stop dealing with my issues. She would never say 'stop!' to me, but we chatted about it and i know she thinks it would be good for me. I personally feel like i am going a bit mad. I hate being overweight, it just compounds my issues. I am at a point now where my self hatred and loathing have reached such a point that i don't even look in the mirror, i am not looking after myself. I have no motivation. I suppose if i gave up BF i could diet and try to deal with some of my issues a bit more effectively.

Now go back and read the first sentence i wrote and you see the problem! I was so looking forward to BF'ing Red into toddlerdom, but realistically i think i will have to stop at 12 mos. I feel in some way that i am failing him, and the thought of not feeding him makes me feel i'll. But i feel like i am doing myself a disservice to continue.

Not expecting any answers, just needed to get it out!!

[Southernbelle]

Hugs to you!  It sounds like you have so much on your plate right now in addition to being a mommy.  All I could think of while reading your post is....she has got to take care of herself so that she can be the best for her babies.  If that means giving up nursing at 12 months (which is sooooo great...a goal I would love to reach) then that's what you should do.  You need to be healthy and strong for your baby and that is the best gift you could give him.. 12 months of nursing is awesome and you should be very proud of yourself.  It is not failing in  any way.  Some people give up nursing for much less important reasons.  Maybe you should speak with your pediatrician or internal medicine doc to get their advice.  It may help you to feel more secure in your decision (which ever way you go) from a medical perspecive.  Obviously, I don't think you should stop nursing purely for diet purposes, but it sounds like your need to stop may go much further than that.  I hope that you find peace in whatever you decide.  It is such an emtional decision to have to make.  Hang in there.

[Samuel's mum]

That's hard. My first thought is that maybe it could help you to diet more carefully and healthily if you actually continued bfing. You can focus on healthy eating rather than just cutting calories. It may actually change your attitudes towards dieting and eating in a permanently healthy way. He's getting to an age where if your supply was affected slightly it wouldn't be the end of the world but it might not have to be. Just a thought. I'm so not qualified to share it!

But OMG you SO would not be failing him if you did decide to stop at 12 months!!!!! Are you kidding? 12 months is fantastic. Do you know what pathetically small % of UK babies get that start in life??

I would be tempted to ask around for some more info about breastfeeding and dieting. It's certainly doable especially as Red gets older. The NCT may have someone on their 'experience' register or the LLL may have a leader with experience. At least more info would help you make a decision.

[15milner]

Hi Clair

You are having a tough time trying to balance that you want to keep bf Red and your need to stop to be able to stop dieting.  I know that you are unable to start dieting - even really really slowly as that compromises your supply.   

 I'm trying hard to try and put what i want to say into words and I hope that I don't offend or hurt you.    You are balancing 2 kinds of hate / guilt (can't think of a better word) - hate of yourself for wanting to stop and hate of your overeating.  Which is making you feel worse? - letting yourself down or letting down red.  Ultimately, Red won't know that you stopped at 12, 13, 14 ,16 months etc.  But the longer you carry on, the worse you might feel at not being able to try and address your weight issues, which is hindering your self-esteem etc. 

Hun, you need to do what is best for you.  Red's not going to stop loving you, but I do want you to start loving Clair.   

HUGS HUGS  HUGS

alex

[kgmf123]

Hello Clair,

Sounds like you are battling loads of demons right now. (((hugs)))
My instinct is that you should take care of 'you' 12 months bf is absolutely fantastic.
Just a thought is it possible that in the next 2 months you could start building up an expressed milk supply and then eke out bf'ing of Red by mixed feeding. Could be a compromise.

Are you sure that emotionally you are at a point where you can start dieting etc. (I hope that doesn't offend you) or are you setting yourself up for a fall. I guess you have to listen to the experts. You don't sound ready. (gosh I hope you take that the right way, desperately don't want to cause you any more pain)

Will be thinking of you whatever you decide.

Kat x

[¤ Efka ¤]

I  just wanted to sendsome hugs to you.

[Erin M]

Many, many (((hugs))) to you.  Sounds like a very rough decision.  I'm sorry if this is not an option or something you've already tried, but it is possible for you to see a nutritionist who could design you an eating plan that could help you while BF?  My uncle (while not a BFer LOL) has problems with his weight and has always had his greatest success while working with a nutritionist.  Whatever you decide, please don't ever think that you're failing your baby by stopping whenever you need to (and from how I read your post, it's not your wants that your trying to balance, but really your needs which really need to come at the top of your list).  ((hugs)) again.

[*Nicola*]

Hi Clair

Just wanted to send you some hugs and let you know I am thinking of you.

There are some lovely, helpful messages above but it must be so difficult for you, as only you can make the decision, take the action and be happy with it.

For what it's worth here's my tuppence worth.  You've given Red 12 months of bfign which is something to be REALLY proud of, especially as it means you have had to put yourself and your needs/health second during this time.  Although a year is a long time in his little life, it's just a short time in yours, and in your future and role as a mummy.  Maybe now is the time to put yourself and your needs first to enable you to be happy and healthy in the future.

Having said that I can totally appreciate how immensely difficult it must be. My best friend is a psychologist specialising in eating disorders so I'm aware how difficult some of these issues are.

I wish you all the best whatever route you decide to take xxx

[daisymelan]

Hugs Clair

All I want to say is happy mommy = happy baby

I hope it all works out for you.

[CaedensMama]

Hugs Clair - I know this is a hard decision for you.
I would echo much of what has been said. There may be some valid dieting options once Red is past that year an it is more of a comfort then all the sustance he is getting. Maybe if you can keep a couple feeds a day and still be dieting? If it going to make you feel MORE guilty about weaning him then trying to work with him and dieting I would try that option first.
If though you are at a point where you are ready to wean, maybe this is a good time and then you can focus on the diets.
Either way Red has benefited greatly from nursing and will continue to benefit from you as mom nursing or not! You do need to take care of yourself, but I just want to encourage you that if you are not ready to wean, there may be other good options too. Emotionally for a mom, weaning too soon can be just as hard so it may not be the best answer for all the struggles if that is where you are.
Keep up the good work - and you are a great mom!

[kendraak]

Hi Clair,

I just wanted to send you some hugs and let you know that I've struggled with similar food issues myself. I think BF is very important, but it is more important for little Red to have a calm, happy mommy too. If stopping the BF will help you with your issues, then do it and don't let anyone (including yourself) make you feel guilty. If you think you can work through things and continue BF then that's great. I understand this is a serious issue and can really take a toll on you over time. It's wonderful that you are seeking the help of a counselor with this. I hope that all goes well.

Kendra

[Lan]

This must such a hard decision for you to make. I hope you don't mind me answering here,  I don't want to sound preachy, it's not my intention.

I was wondering if in some way you could do both - breastfeed and change your way of eating? So maybe go on a special  breastfeeding 'diet' - i.e. not a calorie restricted diet but a different way of eating. So instead of telling of telling yourself 'I'm breastfeeding so I can eat what I want' you could say 'I'm breastfeeding so I'm on a special diet to support breastfeeding'? Maybe just thinking that your eating choices are supporting breastfeeding might make it easier for you. If you came up with a special plan with a dietician it would take the food choices out of your hands so maybe it wouldn't be such a control issue for you? As long as it allows for some treats every day which everyone needs! And allowing yo uto eat until you feel satisfied too too - no one wants to feel hungry. And if your supply dropped - well you wouldn't be any worse off than if you decided to wean.

Last thing -I hope I'm not being presumptuous here but have you heard of Syndrome X? There was a diet plan here in Australia (controversal because it was supported by the Meat and Livestock Association) that basically said if you included protein at every meal it created a more satisfied feeling and evened out blood sugar levels. Doesn't have to be large amounts of protein, just some complete protein at every meal. I use a powder called LSA which I sprinkle over my breakfast cereal and soups - it's 3 parts flaxseeds (linseeds), 2 parts sunflower seeds and 1 part almonds ground up to a powder. (I'm allergic to almonds so I use walnuts instead.) And if I'm hungry I have a snack of raw cashews and dried fruit.

I hope that didn't sound too much like 'try to eat sensibly'!

If you want any more information feel free to PM me.

All the best for whatever you decide.

Lan

[kgmf123]

Clair
Been thinking of you. Just wondering how the decision making was going.

Hope you are ok!

Kat x

[MPalmer]

Hi Clair~

Let me be the 100'th person to say you have been the most loving mommy to Red by BF'ing this long and to go to 12 months!!!  Making it 12 months is a HUGE accomplishment and be PROUD of yourself for giving him what you have.   

I too think you should seek a Nutritionist to help you coordinate an daily eating plan that also supports keeping up your milk supply.  Nutritionists are VERY well educated on lactating mothers needs along with sculpting a plan for a healthy diet and low-key exercise.  My friend is a Nutritionist, and I actually took a course in Nutrition thru the Nursing program at the University.  So, I know from taking an intro course what they are educated in!  If you met with a Nutritionist, I doubt you would feel like your "dieting" at all.  I think that would be a harmless option to try first before you quit BF'ing before you want to.   

Could your counselor be wrong in saying your hiding behind BF'ing... I'm by far no expert...but I totally understand that you want to continue BF'ing because you and your baby love it.  That is a BEAUTIFUL THING!!!    You are very correct in that you need to address the demons of the eating disorder and you will be BY FAR a better mommy when you do...but I think that if there are options to try before just giving up BF'ing you should explore them.   

If it does turn out that you do have to stop BF'ing...you'll know that you explored all options and that you will be stopping to give him and yourself a richer happier life!!!!! 

[rooby-rooby-roo]

Well, i'm just going round and round in circles with this.

I had pretty much decided that i would wean at 12 months but then i realised that i was feeling so sad over that decision so i figured that it couldn't be the right one! But when i said to myself 'OK' i'll continue to BF indefinitly then i feel..well...a bit hopeless. That once again i do not matter, that nothing is about me at all, it is all about the kids.

You know all of you girls are right. I wish i was able to just eat normally. It is not a lack of education problem - i studied food and nutrition at college and nursing at university so i know what is good for me and what is not.

So still very much undecide decided as yet!!!