Fixing our accidental parenting... Please help

[golomb]

Hi All,

Just found this website today and I love it!  I'm hoping someone out there can help.

I have a 3 week old son.  For the first 2 weeks or so, he was doing great, though I fear we didn't get enough of a routine going.  I never came up with a sleepy time routine-- just would lay him down and say shhhhh when he was tired (I should also mention that sometimes he would drift off on the breast and I would just lay him down-- I know, not the right thing to do, but I wanted him to get some sleep!).  He did pretty good sleeping in the crib, but a few times here and there, he would cry when we put him in his crib.  After trying 3 times, we'd give up and hold him while he slept.   It was just easier that way (hence, accidental parenting).   

Now he always wants to be held (for his naps, anyways-- he's still pretty good about sleeping in his crib at night).  We are trying to fix this because holding a baby all day long is no way to live.  I need my Y time!!!

We started patting and shhing today.  (which brings me to another question...  can someone tell me the difference between pu/pd and patting/shhing.  In patting/shhing, you are supposed to pick them up when they are crying, correct?  To me, it seems the same.)

I am having problems with starting our new routine, however.  We are currently working on nap #3 for the day.  Here are a few problems:

1.  He is very over tired and SCREAMS when he is lying in his crib, no matter what stage of sleep he is in when I put him down.   He also will scream for 20 minutes or more when I am holding him because he is so tired and can't calm down despite my shhing and rocking and
2.  I lie him on his back, so don't have easy access to pat.  I find it very difficult to turn him on his side to pat him and refuse to use a wedge or something like that (for SIDS reasons, I really want him on his back).

Not sure what advice I am looking for, but I will say that the more overtired he gets the worse it gets.  It's to the point where I want to go back to my old methods just to get him some sleep so I can try to start when he is not so exhausted.

I feel like there are so many problems-- so many things I've done wrong already-- and he is only 3 weeks old.  I want to be a better parent than this!!!!

Please help!

Thanks,
Jeni

[Colin Macs Mom]

I have a 3 week old son.  For the first 2 weeks or so, he was doing great, though I fear we didn't get enough of a routine going.  I never came up with a sleepy time routine-- just would lay him down and say shhhhh when he was tired (I should also mention that sometimes he would drift off on the breast and I would just lay him down-- I know, not the right thing to do, but I wanted him to get some sleep!).  He did pretty good sleeping in the crib, but a few times here and there, he would cry when we put him in his crib.  After trying 3 times, we'd give up and hold him while he slept.   It was just easier that way (hence, accidental parenting).   

Now he always wants to be held (for his naps, anyways-- he's still pretty good about sleeping in his crib at night).  We are trying to fix this because holding a baby all day long is no way to live.  I need my Y time!!!

Hi Jeni, welcome to BW!!! I hope this site helps you out as much as it has helped me!    I think it sounds like you're doing great already! If your DS is already sleeping in his crib at night then you are off to a great start - that's more than I had accomplished at 3 weeks! I had done the same thing as you with the holding for naps, so I can totally relate. And let me tell you, you are so right to want to put a stop to it NOW. We ended up holding for naps until he was somewhere around 4.5 months old!! Talk about accidental parenting. So my advice is to definitely end that now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be and the longer it will take.

We started patting and shhing today.  (which brings me to another question...  can someone tell me the difference between pu/pd and patting/shhing.  In patting/shhing, you are supposed to pick them up when they are crying, correct?  To me, it seems the same.)

I am having problems with starting our new routine, however.  We are currently working on nap #3 for the day.  Here are a few problems:

1.  He is very over tired and SCREAMS when he is lying in his crib, no matter what stage of sleep he is in when I put him down.   He also will scream for 20 minutes or more when I am holding him because he is so tired and can't calm down despite my shhing and rocking and
2.  I lie him on his back, so don't have easy access to pat.  I find it very difficult to turn him on his side to pat him and refuse to use a wedge or something like that (for SIDS reasons, I really want him on his back).

Not sure what advice I am looking for, but I will say that the more overtired he gets the worse it gets.  It's to the point where I want to go back to my old methods just to get him some sleep so I can try to start when he is not so exhausted.

I feel like there are so many problems-- so many things I've done wrong already-- and he is only 3 weeks old.  I want to be a better parent than this!!!!

Don't feel bad at all - the early weeks are tough and everyone is getting to know each other and work out a routine. You're doing great, especially by using BW already. 

You should not be picking up during pat/shhh. That is only for PU/PD (hence pick up - put down). The lo should remain laying down during pat/shhhh. If the lo is crying, just keep patting and shhhing, perhaps increase the shhh volume. The idea is to get the lo to concentrate on the pats and shhhs rather than crying as they can't concentrate on 3 things at once, only 2. 3 weeks is also far too young for PU/PD - that is too overstimulating for such a young one. Stick with pat/shhh for now and be diligent - it can be frustrating I know but it will pay off. It does sound to me like your DS is in a cycle of overtiredness, which is really easy to fall into at that age. I think that you should be putting him down a bit sooner; are you watching for tiredness signs?

I also couldn't pat/sshhhh on his back as mine hated to be on his side at that point. What we did was sort of a modified version - more of a hold/shhh. We would place one arm across his knees and another across his chest and arms, and shhhh. It worked well for us, so don't hesitate to get creative!

[Southernbelle]

Hi, I found that at that age my Lo could not be awake longer than about 45 -50 mins (including feeding time).  It seemed like she was always sleeping, but each week the awake time got a little longer.  The trick is to experiement and see how much time your lo can stay up with out getting overstimulated and not wanting to settle for sleep.  I looked for yawns like Tracy recommends and tried to get her in the bed by yawn two.  Hope this helps.  The first six weeks are tough and youhave to take little steps each day.  My Lo is 12 weeks and now we are going thru a rough patch with night time sleep.  WE have to go into her room for a good 30mins before bed and quietly feed and wind down.  It is a learning process with each different baby!  Hang in there.