DH is Anti-EASY - Need to vent

[Laykha's Mom]

Hi all -

Feeling so bummed out and frustrated right now - my DH is against putting our DD on EASY or any kind of schedule.  He is definitely more of a go-with-the-flow type, and seems to view schedules as rigid and confining.  He also doesn't see the benefits to our daughter.  Everything I read indicates that babies need and thrive on schedules.  Among other things, a routine helps them develop trust that their needs will be met.  Since these statements usually aren't backed by scientific research or findings from studies, my husband tends to chalk it up as opinions.

My DH is a wonderful and amazing father, but we just don't see eye to eye on the subject of scheduling.  When I mentioned getting DD on a schedule today, he handed DD to me and said "Here's baby robot".  I do try to keep DD on EASY as much as possible without calling it that, but it is sooo hard feeling like I've got no support.  And when DH makes comments like that, I feel like I must be some kind of monster.

Although I know enough to take things with a grain of salt, I really loved BW and find all of the info on this site invaluable.  If only DH felt the same way 


Thanks for letting me vent!

[linfran]

Men - can't live with them, can't drown them!

Repeat after me, you are not a monster, you are a lovely mummy!!!!!!

You don't mention who does most of the childcare.  In our house I am still on maternity leave and my DH is at work so I figured that I was the one who had to put up with the crying and disorganisation if there was no schedule.  My DH is also a brill dad and after a couple of days looking after our lo on his own was very happy with a routine!  I started with just introducing a bedtime routine at first and now with our lo at nearly four months he's on 4 hour EASY.  One big plus is if we want to go out socially as a family we can knowing when the baby will want to eat or sleep...but at the end of the day it's not regimented, I may think my baby is the cleverest in the world but he still can't tell the time!  However, I can tell you that my lo seems so much more settled and content since we got our routine going.  Sleeps better at night too - always a good thing.  Some might say its coincidence but I like to think he feels more secure knowing what is coming next.

Interestingly enough, my DH works with children who have special needs and he has told me in the past that these kids thrive on their routine and actually get really upset if there is any deviation from it, so I take that as an indication of the benefits of a schedule and the security it offers.

Anyway, big hugs and remember, when men were created Mother Nature was having a right laugh!

[corrina01]

First of all EASY is not a schedule, it is a routine.

Babies thrive on routine, they like the fact they know what is coming next,  it benefits babies and parents alike.

As linfran said you are the one at home all day to cope with the crying baby who isn't on a routine, your DH is at work.

You will come to know what your DD cries are, what you need to do to calm your DD.

My DP has two children with his ex.  They were never on a routine.  They were constantly crying.  DP said a routine doesn't work. He was just the same as your DH, go with the flow type of guy.

With my DD I put her into a routine, I couldn't care what anyone said.  Now DP says putting babies on a routine is the best way, DD is always smiling, happy and contented baby.  She gets excited when she goes for a nap or to bed, she feeds well.

HTH

[Laykha's Mom]

Thanks for the replies so far!  Corrina - I think your comment about schedule versus routine is a lot of what trips my hubby up.  He hears "schedule" and gets visions of being controlled by the clock.  Think I'll try not to use that word around him.

Five days a week, my DH and I are both home with DD.  The other two days, I go to the office, and DH stays with her.  I've just recently started the part-time work (was full-time before), so I'm hoping I can introduce more routine the days I'm home with her.  She's a touchy baby, which could in part be attributed to a lack of routine.  I'm optimistic, though, that it's not too late...

[Shdef]

You don't need to tell him

I know I just PUT DS on EASY and nobody noticed. He is soooo happy and cheery with it that it was very convincing. Just try to tell your DH that she doesn't need to be on a schedule and that he is right. Men love to be told that they are right.  But just feed her after she woke up (tell him that relieves wind and what not and that she expects food as soon as she wakes up).

Tell him you are not comfortable feeding her right before sleeping because she might choke...

EASY doesn't need to be on a strict schedule, this is not necessary. Only very few very spirited babies need everything right on the minute. Sticking to E,A,S and always changing her after a feed and a wee night-time routine is enough for the beginning. This is only MY experience... Don't say: "oh, it is 9am, time a nap now" say instead: "I think she is tired. I better put her down for a nap".

If the routine is established, your DD will stick with it for a while and be propably also quite happy with it. Your hubby will see that and be convinced

 


I know that's cheeky 

[GG]

Laykha's Mom, another thing that may sway your dh into not minding a routine... look at his day-to-day goings on. Does he have a certain routine?  Example:

Wakes up... showers... eats breakfast... drives to work... takes lunch a certain time... heads home around 5 pm... etc.

You get the idea.  This is a routine. He may not do things at the same exact time every day but I'm pretty sure he has at least a loose routine that he follows.  I myself never realized that I had a routine until I thought about it one day after I had ds. Nobody really calls it that. They just call it a 'typical day'.

I'm sure if you bring his daily routine to his attention he may not mind knowing that Laykha is on a routine herself.  If he still minds, just make sure to never bring up the word schedule or routine to him. What he doesn't know (or hear about) won't hurt him.

Men can be so stubborn!

HTH

[Missy Lou]

My DH didn't like it when i talked about putting our lo on a routine either.  he didn't see the benefits right away either.  we started our lo on EASY when she was a few weeks old.  but she had colic and reflux and couldn't sooth herself so there was a lot of crying so DH didn't think the routine helped at all. then when she reached about 2 months, the colic improved and i had read enough about reflux to help her.  she became less fussy.  also, DH could know what to expect depending on the time.  we still don't always know why she's crying (different issues now i guess) but at least we can rule out being overtired or hungry if we know where she is in routine; something we couldn't do if she slept or ate whenever.  plus, you can see that babies don't really know what they want sometimes.  i've had DD wake up after 45 minutes and want to talk but after 15 minutes, is starting to cry.  she's really tired and needs me to show her that she needs to sleep and not play yet. 

since he is home with your lo as much as you are, maybe you could ask for a compromise.  ask that you guys try EASY for a few months, if he doesn't find it easier then you guys can discuss other options.  now, like i said above, my lo now fusses at times for different reasons.  she's 4 months now and we're having to adjust her routine to longer wake times and sleeping through the night without eating.  so when she's up, especially in the morning, she's out of sorts.  so there will be constant adjustment periods when they move onto the next level (like i read mothers having issues when their lo start teething or crawling or eating solids).   i really think your DH will see the benefit to having a FLEXIBLE routine that your lo can rely on.  Since he is a good dad, he'll want your lo to feel secure and i really think they do when they can count on you to control their environment for them. 

also, i thought i had a spirited/touchy baby at  first.  as she's gotten older and her health issues have calmed down and she's on a better routine, i believe she's actually a textbook baby.  i think she has some touchy in her that really comes out when she's off routine.  so if you believe your baby is touchy, a routine will really help your lo be a more contented baby (at least in my experience).

good luck

[becky1969]

I agree 100% with all the PP advice! I think if you can present EASY as a "routine" rather than as a "schedule", it may appeal to your DH more. Also, it is VERY baby-oriented. You are following your baby's cues all day long! You are doing EXACTLY what your baby needs when he/she needs it, so in essence it's a baby-oriented plan. By giving your LO a routine, she knows what to expect. She can then relax. She doesn't need to worry about what comes next! I can almost see my son heave a sigh of relief when we've been out and about and come back home to his familiar "schedule". It's like "Ah, NOW I know what's going on!".

I think even if you put your LO on EASY for a couple of weeks, your DH would come around because he'd see how all of a sudden all her cries made sense, you wouldn't be wondering what the heck she wanted all the time. We put our son on EASY from day one. We were clueless about babies, and knowing that he'd eating an hour ago we knew that he wasn't hungry, so that cry meant something else. Reading Tracy's books, I knew what the sleepy cues were and I never let my son get overtired (or I tried not to!). All these things added up to a VERY easy baby and a lot less crying than we expected from our newborn. When he did cry, we could sort of go through the checklist of what might be wrong based on where we were in our EASY routine - it made everything SO much easier!

In the beginning especially, EASY is definitely not by the clock. When I look back on my logs, I don't think my son did the same thing at the same time 2 days in a row! But, he was eating every 3 hours essentially, napping after brief activity (NOT after eating), and that has meant that I never had to break him of the habit of needing a bottle to go to sleep. I can't tell you how much that means now that he's nearly 6 months old! Like I said, if you can get your DH to try it for a couple of weeks even, he'll see that you're not going by the clock - you're going by your baby. And you're teaching her things that will be so valuable later on and will eliminate the necessity of things like "cry-it-out" solutions to sleep, etc. Don't let him make you feel like you are doing something wrong! You are teaching your child valuable lessons that will really pay off down the road, even just a few weeks down the road! Even other moms might hassle you about this "schedule" thing (I know I've gotten a lot of flack), but when you're the only mom you know sleeping through the night at 12 weeks, it will be your turn to have the last laugh!

[Crowdermom]

Hi

I know what you are going through - my husband wasn't too keen on EASY at first either when we were going through the training part at about 6 weeks.  He viewed it as a form of CIO and like your husband, thought "schedules" were mean.  What finally brought him around was having to handle DD totally for a couple of days complete with short naps and extreme grumpiness no matter what he did (he was a major prop addict - walk, rock, jiggle, pacifer - you name it).   At the end of the second day he finally admitted that something had to give and he'd at least skim the book.  Saints be praised...once he finally read what Tracy was saying, he "got it"...it wasn't just me harping on about this great idea.  After that, things improved considerably.  We are now at 16 weeks and DD is a much better rested baby and smiles a lot more and Dad is a pro at pat-shhhh.  Of course, now he's recommending the book to other parents at work.    Needless to say, I don't remind him about his original attitude - men are sorta touchy about those things