Serious Mommy Guilt

[CharlotteandCharlie]

So I've heard that mommy hood is synonymous with guilt.

Here's my story.

We have a play date with my gf once or twice a week.  She is a fantastic mom.  BUT I often leave the date feeling inadequate.  We are very good friends but I play the compare game in my head.

ie.  Her ds is 13.5 month and my dd is 11 months.  Ds was sharing, putting objects back in your hand, toy box, into holes that are shaped for it, understanding (seemingly) alot of what she says to him since he was at least 9 months old.  Granted her vocabulary is much bigger than mine with her ds.  I do talk to Charlie all day but not all the time.  i.e. I catch myself giving her bits of sandwich without calling it a SANDWICH.  KWIM?

Anyway my ds is and was a spirited lo.  We love her personality (except the loud crying fits over tiny things).  She is assertive, confident, pushy and fearless.  She is not a gentle sole.  Her dad and I are definitely more quiet than she is.  GF's ds definitely is a gentle sole.  So, we love dd and her personality but sometimes I wonder if I should be doing more.  I am rambling.  I find myself in the kitchen alot during the day.  Her meals, my meals (if its something she can't have like soup or batter fish and chips), dishes, and whatever.  I know I don't sit much during the day but I also don't feel like I spend alot of time on the floor playing with her.  When I sit on the floor and try to play in minutes she is off somewhere else.  She doesn't sit still for long.  Always on the go.  If she needs some love or a drink or is hungry she climbs the back of my leg and I pick her up for a snuggle and off she goes again.  I try to show her how the rings can go back on the fisher price pole or how the peak a boo blocks go into the fish but all she wants to do is grab those toys and take them out from wherever they are and hear them hit the hardwood.  Its great to watch but when I compare I think I'm a bad mom. 

It is very clear that her ds and my dd are completely different personalities but I can't give myself a break and think I am going to raise a delayed little girl.  Oh ya, she doesn't know what NO is. I figure if its not going to hurt her I let her play with it and she moves on.  If she can not have it I distract and move her to another object.  Is she going to be spoiled?  Ho hum.

Anyone please 

[JennŠ]

So what is my Charlotte doing up there with you?   Seems the main difference is mine is textbook.  She wants to play with stuff her way, lots of banging.  Comes by, snuggles a moment, hikes off again at top speed.  Gods help me when she can walk!!!!!!!  Vocab is mama, dadada, gitty, nanana and yeah.  Dadada is both his name and an all purpose word.  NO has a meaning?  Nah!  Not here it seems.  She has not gotten that one yet.  Fear not.  Have some chocolate, then you can feel better and guilt all at once. 
 

[CharlotteandCharlie]

I love your advice about the chocolate. 

Do you play with Charlotte throughout the day?  When you play are you trying to teach or playing?  I just want to relax and enjoy her being a playful lo and let her learn on her own time but something tells me motherhood isn't that easy.

[Erin M]

Now the world would be a really, really boring place if we were all the same, wouldn't it?  My sister has two boys and when we get together, the differences are so amazing (even though they're genetically similar kids!).  My DD is more of a snuggler, will sit and play more easily, my 3yo nephew is one who figures things out, puts them together, takes them apart, etc....and my 1.5yo nephew is constant motion -- if he needs a snuggle he sits on your lap for about as long as it takes to count to 3....and then he's off again.  3 kids who have been parented in very, very similar fashion, 3 entirely different outcomes....and I think it's a great thing.  Just let her be herself and she'll be great!

Oh, and my DD really has very little idea of what no means too.  She did learn the word (from her dad  ) and loves to say it, but it's never deterred her from doing what she wants.  Distraction works heaps better anyway IMHO. 

You say she's assertive, confident, pushy, and fearless....ok, maybe drop the "pushy" since it has a negative connotation and let "assertive" take its place, but there's no way I consider any of that to be a bad thing!  You're doing a great job! 

[JennŠ]

 What we do is she will come over with a toy, I'll tell her what it is.  Then she bops off to either do something with it, or she will bring something else over.  Maybe she will sit through a short storybook.  She seems happiest doing her own thing, so I'm not going to worry too much yet.

[CharlotteandCharlie]

I do tell her what things are, try to teach her to put the square thing inside the square hole, tell her we have to go upstairs to change her poopy bum but of all the things the only thing I seem to get a bit of recognition out of her is when I ask if she wants her milk (formula), water or juice.  Its great when that happens. 

As for books, all she wants to do is turn the pages and turn them some more.  No way can I read what is on the page or point.  She takes my hand off the page and throws it to the side.  This is very cute and a great example of her personality.  I try to say this is a cow and a cow says mooo.  Heck no, just let me turn the page myself mommy.  Again very cute but you can see how my attempts go unheeded and then I internalize because she isn't doing what my gf's ds is doing. 

BUT, since this post I feel alot better.  You ladies have helped me to relax and I realize I do my best and it will come.  I know she's not going to be 5 and not know what a cow says. 

[Lica]

Just relax
We don't teach our DS intentionally. We let him figure out most of the thing.
I know how you feel. My gf's DD is only 1.5 months older than my DS who is 2.5 yrs old, and she can play 100 piece puzzle, she can add, she can sing so many songs and even tell stories.
But I know my gf teaches her and plays "educational" DVD to her DD even though she said she didn't.

When my DS was at your DD's age, he didn't like to play "sorting" games either, but he knows "shapes" and "colors" when he was about 22 months old, and became very verbal at 2( we do talk to him a lot).

So I agree with you-- sit back and enjoy them. They'll know a lot of stuff when the time is right.
I highly recommend the book " Einstein never used flash cards", so you'll have peace of mind.

[CharlotteandCharlie]

I am so happy to hear you say that you don't teach your son intentionally.  To me it seems more freeing and loving to just let them be rather than putting pressure on myself and her at such a young age.  I am sure there will be many more years of that where there's more need for it. 

I am just going to have to accept that I am a different mom than she is and be happy with the relationship we have.

Thanks for the book reference.  I already like the sounds of the title. 

[kate585]

No worries, okay?  Just enjoy yourself and your lovely dd.  She seems really ahead of the curve in my opinion for 11 months.  We've been saying that in the last couple of weeks, ds has really exploded with his words, understanding, and mimic-ing.  We haven't done anything different lately, he just took off.  So exciting to watch.  I do not worry about "teaching" him but he does seem to soak it all in.  It sounds like the things you are doing are perfect for her age.  Kids this age learn by playing and making mistakes and playing some more, so don't worry about showing her the square thing and the square hole.  It's much better for her to figure things out on her own anyway.

In our playgroup, there are 6 boys within 2 months of each other.  They are so different!  It has helped me to relax since I know that they all come into their own when they are supposed to.  Ryan has been the last one to do things and the first.  He is the biggest, but the least coordinated.  Whatever.  They are all so fun and special in their own ways. 

And, get your bootie out of that kitchen.     It's so cliched, but they are only this age once and those dishes can wait until naptime or bedtime or tomorrow.  Who cares?  At the end of the day, if there are some cheerios on the floor and a sinkful of dishes, but we've had a great day of running around and being silly, I feel like I did a great job.  

[Michaela's Mom]

I thoroughly agree with letting your lo learn as she goes - she's going to learn anyway right? It won't make her any less bright or intelligent than the next lo and it has nothing to do with her development - all children develop differently.

My dd (8.5 months) is also VERY spirited, hates sitting still and would rather bash a toy to pieces than play with it!  She does understand the meaning of no - only i say uh-uh or shoo-shoo which sounds better than me screaming NO every minute of the day (she's always playing with something she shouldn't be!). She also loves picking things up only to throw them down again - i'm sure she does this just to give me my daily exercise!

Dd is very bright and although i don't play any heavy "intellectual" games with her, she seems to just KNOW what to do with things - perhaps from watching us? She's quite vocal, says Mama, Dada, Uh-oh (now i'm in trouble! really cute) uh-uh (no) hello and bye and i've also caught her trying to say peoples names.

I love watching my dd learn new things by herself without anyone showing her - it always thrills me and this is how i want it to be - i don't want to drum things into her head (she'll get enough of that at school!) and so i will let her live and learn in her own precious way.

Enjoy the time that your baby is a baby - they grow up so quickly - just enjoy her and don't even think about feeling guilty - the rest will take care of itself.

Sharon