Night Wakings - Separation Anxiety

[Terryv]

Hi,

I am posting here also on behalf of my wife who is trying to snatch a couple of hours sleep. Our little girl (Allie) is now 8.5 months old, she was very unsettled indeed up until about 6 months of age when she was diagnosed with multiple allergies (milk, eggs, soya, nuts). Since the diagnosis, we have removed these items from her diet and generally she is a much happier and livelier baby. The one area which has not improved (and some nights we believe is getting worse), is her sleeping pattern. She has always been a reluctant sleeper but the problem is becoming worse as she is getting more aware of her surroundings.

Her routine is as follows:

5pm bathtime
5.30 pm Dinner time and BF
7 pm Bedtime
11pm BF
2am BF
6am Awake for the day
8am Breakfast and BF
10.30 am naptime (1/2 hour)
12 noon lunch and BF
2pm Naptime (1/2 hour)

Basically, we are not really in a position to properly wean Allie at the moment due to the milk allergy, her food is being supplemented with Calcium and other vitamins to compensate.

Activity times are usually two short spells in the morning, between 2.30 and 5pm and then a short time before bedtime.

Allie is now very energetic and keeping her calm and quiet before bedtime is proving impossible. She wants to roll around and play, even reading a book with her gets her excited. We wonder whether she is catching up on lost time.

Allie is also very, very attached to my wife, perhaps because of feeling unwell because of the allergies and comfort coming through BF and cuddling. Any time I try and settle Allie she is looking over my shoulder towards the door of her room, looking for her Mum. Most times I am unable to settle her. We have been working hard trying to slowly introduce different people and places into her routine and she will now go with her Grandma for about 1/2 hour even if my wife is not visible. With anyone else, she will probably go with them for a maximum of 10 minutes but only then if my wife is in visual range. Allie will also stay with me for 1/2 hour if my wife nips to the shops.


The problem:

Basically, as soon as my wife brings Allie upstairs at night and puts her into her Gro-bag, she begins to cry persistently. Often, the only way to stop this is by BF. Allie will then wake again about 30 minutes after she first slept, sometimes I can get her back to sleep, other times it has to be my wife. After that, the best we have ever had is 3 more wakings during the night, often it is as many as ten.

Suffice to say we are both very tired and exasperated by the situation.

We have tried to get Allie to sleep a bit longer during the day but with very mixed success. Allie will sleep for longer than 1/2 on occasion but not at all regularly.

It has been suggested to us that because Allie's nighttimes were so interrupted before the allergies were diagnosed, that she has become used to this broken pattern and it will now be tremendously difficult to fix. Clearly this isn't exactly music to our ears !

This evening for example, Allie was full of beans this evening, she had her last BF just before 7pm and my wife brought her upstairs to bed shortly afterwards. Allie unusually fell asleep quickly but then woke half an hour later and started crying. I came up to see to her but after half an hour she was still crying. My wife then came up to try and settle her, Allie was then sick everywhere. My wife changed her bedding and then BF her, Allie fell asleep during BF and my wife put her into her cot. She has just woken up again (9.50pm) but I have managed to calm her back to sleep by patting her back and talking softly.

Appreciate I have written a whole load above. we are at the point of trying to seek some professional help as no matter what we do, the situation does not seem to improve.

We are in the UK, has anyone else had problems such as these, it would be great to hear any tips you have. Also, if anyone knows of a professional that can help, I would be eternally grateful for their contact details.

Many thanks in advance,

Terry, Sairah and Allie.

[mommabowie]

Just a thought, but will your daughter sleep any longer than a 1/2 hour during the day? Sometimes when our children are over tired it causes them to wake up even several times during the night, and if they aren't getting suffient sleep during the day for naps it can make for a miserable night.  Also, has she ever slept through the night?

Best of luck to you and your wife, I know this can't be easy.

[Dairy Queen]

Hi there,

You must be exhausted.  When I say “you”, I actually mean your wife, yourself and your daughter.

Let’s assume that you’ve ruled out pain, hunger, teething…

I am not an expert, but it seems you are faced with two separate issues: sleep and possibly separation anxiety.  I don’t know much about the latter, but I think it may be a good idea to tackle the sleep issues first – especially since you mention that she has always been a “reluctant sleeper”.  As children get older, it becomes more and more difficult to undo bad habits. 

My husband and I faced a similar obstacle… my son would only go to sleep under the breast for the first 7 months of his life.  Every time he woke at night, I would BF him to sleep, even if I knew it wasn’t hunger.  It was my way of calming him down and putting him back to sleep fairly quickly, even if it meant getting up numerous times to BF.  However, for about a month now, we have been using PU/PD to teach him to sleep without the breast and eventually eliminate night feedings completely.  The first week was very difficult, but it has been a very useful tool that my husband and I now use to put the baby to sleep.   

In your case, because Allie is getting up 10 times per night and taking only short naps, I’d say she is simply unable fall asleep on her own.   At the end of a sleep cycle – which generally last about 45 minutes – instead of stirring in her sleep and going back to bed, she is waking up and calling for your wife.  She then gets up and puts her back to sleep.  This is exactly what I did for 7 months.  However, by picking him up and BF him to sleep, I was reinforcing his behavior… until I was just too tired and exhausted.  That’s when my husband and I began to teach him how to go to sleep on his own.  Are you familiar with PU/PD?  I’d start with the daytime naps first, and then tackle nighttime.  It is a commitment, but it will all be worth it when Allie sleeps through the night 

Keep us posted.

[Terryv]

Hi,

Many thanks for the advice. I agree that we are probably facing two seperate issues and I most definately concur that dealing with the sleep issue first is the way to go, everything is so much easier to manage after a half decent nights sleep.

We are familiar with the PU/PD technique, I wondered whether we were actually too late to try it, any time she is picked up in the night, she becomes wide awake and starts looking around for her Mum. She has become so aware of her surroundings lately.

Allie did sleep for an hour this afternoon but would not go to sleep in her bed mid morning so Sairah took her to the shops and she fell asleep in the pushchair. Whatever it takes I guess.

We have discussed whether I should take a couple of days off work either side of a weekend and try and use them to work on getting Allie used to settling herself. Probably my having Mum stay out of the room.

What we did do today was to switch around the evening routine, Allie had her tea at 5pm, then Sairah played quietly with her for a bit more than an hour, then bathtime, then a BF, then bed. It seemed more peaceful than nights of late, she woke up again about 1/2 an hour later but Sairah got her back to sleep by patting her on the back. She hasn't woken since (jinxed myself again !). I am hoping that tweaking the evening routine might help, perhaps the bath last thing at night would encourage Allie to feel sleepy.

Do you have any suggestions for naptime during the day, at the moment its really hit and miss, Sairah generally tries to put her into her cot to sleep but on occasion, we have to resort to going for walks/drives during which Allie naps a little bit (1/2 hour maximum again).

Again, many thanks for your advice.

Terry

[Dairy Queen]

Hi there,

I will keep my fingers crossed in hopes that she makes it through the night.

Motion is also a prop… you don’t want her to get use to only sleeping when in a car or stroller or while being rocked… You would just be replacing BF – but I know it’s hard, especially when parents are desperate for a little sleep.

Taking a few days off is a great idea.  My husband took a whole week off when we finally decided to ‘teach’ our son to sleep.  We took turns with PU/PD and I have to admit that it was rather difficult in the beginning; we were tempted to give up many times and revert to BF for soothing.  I don’t think it is too late; it might just take a little longer + babies are stronger at 8 months so she’ll likely arch her back and struggle to get out of your arms.

You may also want to try to do PU/PD when she wakes after a short nap [anything under 45 minutes].  You could stay in the room with her and read/relax, and when she begins to wake then put her back to sleep, so she at least gets an hour.  Don’t wait too long because she’ll get too excited and think it’s time to get up and play.

Also, you should probably be putting her to sleep when she starts showing signs of fatigue [an overtired or over-stimulated baby is hard to calm].

Good luck