3yo sudden fear of dark/big bed/early wakings

[Mandy]

As the title suggests we've got a mixture of issues just now, which is why I think it's more difficult to decide what's for the best! Hope someone may be able to offer some advice, might be a case of 'can't see the wood for the trees'! Until now we've been very lucky with DS re sleep. Previously in bed 7-8, awake 7-7.30 and if awake before then playing or singing in cot. Daytime sleep, three quarters hr every few days normally taken in car (last 8 mths).

Since turning 3 (month ago) he has developed a fear of the dark at bedtime in his room. He would stall at bedtime and wake up in the morning screaming and upset. We have always had a small nightlight in his room but this didn't seem enough now. So we got him a Thomas kool lite for the dark issue, which is on all night, and this seems to have reassured him. Until this arrived we used main light on dimmer. We tried to find out from him why he was afraid but he couldn't tell us. I know at this age the imagination is really taking off and he may just not want to say what is really scaring him. We are very aware of media influence so are careful with books and television that he is allowed to see. He really was stalling going to bed at this time so we introduced a story in bed before songs which has really worked. Previously we just sang some songs at bedtime and stories were for during the day.

He also wanted to remove his cot side from his cot bed which we've done. We previously removed this twice on his request but again on his request after one night and disturbed sleep put it back on "I'm still a wee boy not a big boy yet" he would say! He has a bedrail up for safety now.

We thought the early wakings would pass as we moved through this transition but they are not. For the first few nights he wouldn't settle in his bed at bedtime but we sorted that out with rapid return over a few nights, he now happily goes to bed although he does mention the dark sometimes but not in such a scared way as before. He's been getting up anywhere between 3-5.30. We bought the traditional rabbit clock to help him tell when it was time to get up but it pinged so loudly that it scared him. We have since found a similar clock which uses light to distinguish between night-time and morning. We set it for 6 then every day moved it forward 5 mins until now it's 6.45. After some days of getting used to this he did for a few days wait until the rabbit woke up before getting up himself but it has all slipped backwards again. He was still tired in the morning and I feel he may have been lying awake for hours waiting. Last night he was up at 3 and a further 4 times before morning. The lack of sleep is beginning to tell on all of us. DS now we feel needs to sleep every day and is frequently yawning at 10/11.

A couple of other points to note. DH is returning him to bed during the night (we'd prefer me to do it as I'm tougher! but I'm charting my temp every morning as we seem to have secondary infertility and you get a better reading by undisturbed sleep). Even though I have impressed upon DH how important it is not to engage DS he does talk a little and give a cuddle and kiss when he leaves him and now DS, I think, is in this routine now of wakening up in the early hours for this. Just after the move to a big bed we did try pants at night, again on his request (DS day-time toilet trained at 19 mths) as he was waking up for the toilet in the early hours but after a couple of wet mornings he wanted his nappy on again. I think the dark issue didn't sit well with him and having to make his way to the toilet too. So we reduced his water intake before bed and the wakening for the toilet doesn't seem to be an issue now.

Hope you are still with me!! So it all seems a bit of a muddle just now. We've tried to respond to his changing needs but mindful that the goal is back to undisturbed sleep for all of us. We had talked to DS about installing a gate across his door which freaked him out (freaks us out too!). But we said that this would happen if he didn't let us all have a good night's sleep. I think the time has come to purchase that gate unfortunately... DS will be starting afternoon nursery in a month and we want to give him the best chance to enjoy this and at the moment he would be too tired to cope with it I think.

Look forward to advice...

Mandy

X+x

[mcruari]

I managed to follow you all the way through - phew!!

Well, I'm not quite sure what is the main problem but I'd take a wild guess that it is lack of sleep for everyone
I think you need to decide what to tackle first. The dark seems to be nearly sorted but you have to make sure that he is not afraid of something specific. Here is a copy/paste (by me) I've taken from another thread about nightmares which may give you some ideas for nightime fears:

What I do when I put her to bed is to tell her that if she wakes up in the middle of the night she must not call out for mummy or daddy    but should ask her "friends" (teddies, toys, etc. that are in her bed) to help her go back to sleep and to snuggle up to them for comfort. We haven't started on the bogey-man or ghosts/monsters yet so I can't help you there but I have read about a ghost/monster-buster which you can invent - like a special teddy who stays awake all night to get rid of them or a sign on the door saying "No ghosts/monsters/shadows allowed".

For the other issues (nappy + big-boy bed) I'm wondering if it would be better if you set the rules and timing rather than him I know it is really good to let them choose but if it is causing havoc in the family, maybe you have to take the reins and guide for a bit.

HTH

[Mandy]

Thanks for sticking with my saga and for your reply.

We have tried to find out if there is anything specific about the dark but he never says. I've read that it often is the monsters etc that they are afraid of but they just don't say. We don't want to probe any further as it may put other ideas in his head. Is it monsters you are afraid of? Then he thinks monsters, what monsters!!
He has soft toys he chooses every bedtime and we have told him to kiss and cuddle in to get back to sleep.

I know what you mean about the rules, that did occur to me when I reread my post. We are pretty strict overall but since he has successfully chosen some development steps himself in the past (e.g. wanting to use the toilet at 19 mths) we want to let him feel free to express these types of wishes and that we take them seriously. I think maybe there's just too many at once just now. Perhaps a bit of him unsure if he wants to move on to bigger boy things or not.

Thought I would just say also that we purchased a gate yesterday and he perversely seemed to like the idea and couldn't wait to get it home to kiss it! Progress has been swift in one night. Asleep from 8-6.15 last night, he did shout on us before the rabbit on his clock woke up (6.45) but immediately got back into bed to wait for this. Funnily enough I think he has needed this boundary. He maybe felt secure with his cot rails up but really now wants them down but this added bit of security/safety seems to reassure him. He does like his boundaries I have to say. So this is just to let others considering using a gate but apprehensive about it that it may not be viewed by their DC in the way that is anticipated

Thanks again for taking the time to reply, feedback from users of this board are always really useful. Hopefully we are on the right track now to better sleep and more energy again.

X+x

[Florencia]

I beleive you're absolutely right on he being insecure about being a wee boy/big boy. Even us as adults have that doubts every once again! and it's a great source of stress i must add.

I also think that all this changes are diminishing his ability to relax and hence the wakings and the fuss. Now that the gate is stablished with success, maybe the nap is interfering here? you say he's been napping for 45 mins in the car, so that might mean he's not tired enough to take a nap in his bed? what if you tried a break of quiet time instead of a nap in the car? I strongly beleive on a break in the middle of the day, but he might be recharging energies and hence, not being tired enough at night to relax and go down for a solid sleep? what about trying the quiet time, or a really short nap (20 - 30 mins) along with an earlier bedtime and see if that helps him go straight and for longer periods? just a thought. It seems to me that you've got a perfect conection with him and are so in tune with his feelings that you'll be the one to have the answer about this. I just wanted to give you another insight and see if you think this would work.

Anyways, here goes some HUGS and crossing fingers for this to end soon! I hope everything goes back to normal in your household again so little one will enjoy his school days!