Frustration, frustration

[wingomiller]

I have been using EASY since DS was about 3 weeks old.  He's now 4.5 months old and I am having a TERRIBLE time of things.  I'm paranoid, now, of "accidental parenting" and am tired of feeling responsible for any little glitch (or gigantic glitch) in our routine.  Isn't is possible that some babies just dont FIT into EASY, for a myriad of possible reasons??

First of all, DS has always, and continues to, eat in under 10 minutes.  It's usually about 8-9 minutes and he's done.  It doesn't matter if he's eating every 4 hours or every 30 minutes, his length of time at the breast is NEVER over 10 minutes.  QUESTION #1: How in the world can a 4 hour EASY routine work if 30 minutes are allowed for eating and DS uses only 10?  That's a substantial difference when you tally up the total minutes in a 24 hour period.  Add to this the difficulty in his A time and S time.  He has tremendous trouble staying up for more than an hour, ESPECIALLY for his first activity time of the day.  He's up at 7, done eating by 7:15 and getting fussy (i.e. ready for a nap) often by 8 a.m.  There are times when he can go until nearly 9 a.m., but it seems then he has stayed up too long and has a terrible time sleeping beyond 45 minutes.  And that's just the FIRST EASY of the day!  If the 1st one goes astray it seems the whole day is awash when it comes to an EASY routine.

Second of all, DS has been having a terrible time sleeping beyond 45 minutes.  Even when he eats every four hours (which, by the way, is very difficult when you START you day under the circumstances explained above) he wakes up after 45 minutes.  It's as if a 4 hour EASY is impossible for him, yet he does not need to eat any more frequently than 4 hours.  I just don't know what to do.  He's a big boy--not overly big--16 lb, 10 oz at the 4 month check.  And he awakes for 2 feeds at night (they're not needed--they're just for comfort--and I don't mind--that's why I'm a stay-at-home mom).  One is around 1 a.m.; the other around 5 a.m.  His bedtime is around 7 p.m.  Ane he goes down easily--falls asleep on his own without a problem.

I'm just completely frustrated with this 4 hour EASY routine.  I NEED some sort of routine.  I was a teacher for 10 years prior to this fall and can't exist without some form of a schedule, so this is just driving me nuts.  The 3 hour EASY worked magic--he napped longer and it seemed to fit his awake time.  I'm at the end of my rope trying to stick with this.  I feel like a failure every day it doesn't work and it hasn't worked for several weeks now (we went to a 4 hour easy at 3.5 months).  His naps have gotten more sporadic in the last 3 weeks.  He now wakes at 45 minutes like clockwork.  I just don't know how to establish a 4 hour EASY if the first rotation of the morning doesn't work right.

Any thoughts??

[becky1969]

I just want to offer some ((((hugs)))). Babies can be so frustrating! But I also want to say you sound like you're doing a FANTASTIC job observing your LO and recognizing his particular patterns!

My LO was always a guzzler too. Turns out it was because he had reflux, which didn't get diagnosed until 4 months old. The amount of time eating shouldn't affect your EASY to much. Basically, I look at AWAKE time (which is how lots of BWers do it, I think) -- which just means you look at how long your baby is awake from start to finish, which includes both eating and activity time. Don't fret on how that awake time is divided up into eating and play. it's all one, really and truly. That should not affect your EASY.

The 3-4 hour EASY depends a lot on when your LO is ready to eat. By this age, moving towards a 4 hour EASY is usually what happens, but yours may want to try 3.5 hour or something in between. The time is dependent on him: how long can he go between feeds. The signs that a LO is ready to stretch that time is feedings start going off (eating less in early part of day, more later part of the day) and short napping.

The 45 minute naps is a REALLY common thing at this age. I think just about every baby goes through. The reasons are many, but one of them is that their REM/non-REM patterns changes around this time to one that they will have through childhood. That means when they wake after that 1st sleep cycle, they have difficulty putting themselves back to sleep. They need us to teach them how. It seems weird that it happens now when maybe prior to this your baby was able to go back to sleep on their own (or maybe not! depends on the LO), but it's very very common. We had to do it, and after I taught him at 3 months, he has retained that skill through all the ups and downs since then: teething, shots, growth spurts, etc.  There's lots of information on how to do this all over the board, and I'm sure one of the moderators can help you, or I'll be back with more info. Basically the 2 main BWer techniques are wake-to-sleep (WTS) and holding the baby's limbs down through the jolts at the transition point. Both are temporary measures, and after 3-7 days you'll usually find your baby transitioning sleep cycles on their own.

As for that first awake cycle being short, that requires some more information. Can you post a typical routine? It may be that your child is using that first nap to extend night time sleep. A little more information will help.

Do not despair! The great thing about EASY is that it is adaptable to YOUR LOs needs. It's just a predictable series of events - there's no need to be chained to the clock. It sounds like right now your main problem to making it a consistent routine is that your naps are short, not that the eating time is short.

[wingomiller]

Well, let's see.  I guess my main concern is the fact that the 45 minute nap cycle seems to be natural.  I mean, did 19th century moms  really worry about these things and fret to stretch their LO's naps longer?  I do think he needs more sleep but it seems that maybe that might happen naturally.  Am I wrong?  This is my first kid, so I have no idea.  It does seem to be common; if you google the issue a lot comes up.  You asked about a typical day.  I couldn't begin to offer a "typical" day right now because we're all over the place depending on how long he's awake and how long he naps on the first cycle of the day.  What is consistent, or has been consistent now for about 3 weeks is: bedtime at 7 to 7:30, night feed at 12 to 1:45 a.m., another comfort feed (more comfort than feed, to get back to sleep--I know, I know--I may be creating a monster) at around 5 a.m., wake up around 7 a.m.  Everything between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. is exteremely flexible in up to an hour, any direction.

I guess I mostly need help on the naps, though I'm not completely convinced he needs "help."  I think I may need help coping with the issue.  Am I wrong in assuming that the 45 minute issue will iron itself out in the coming months, all on its own?

[becky1969]

The 45 minute nap thing will probably not iron itself out anytime soon. I think you may be wrong about moms not worrying about it. MY mom did, and I'm 37. My DH's mom did, and he's 42. You just need to encourage a little longer sleep. 1 sleep cycle is barely restorative. A great book on baby sleep is "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Weissbluth. It explains why your baby needs longer naps, and why your LO is also waking at that dratted 45 minute mark. 

There are lots of things you will need to help your child with: eating vegetables, learning to use the potty, brushing teeth. This is just the first step in a long life of teaching. Your child doesn't WANT to wake up at 45 minutes - it's just happening because he's coming out of a deep sleep and into a light sleep. He needs a little help with this transition to learn how to put himself back to sleep. Learning this will help him with night sleep too! It means when he comes awake in the night, he'll be able to put himself back to sleep without crying for your help. We ALL have brief wakings in the night - adults and children alike. Sometimes you notice it (roll over, look at the clock) and sometimes you don't (roll over, plump your pillow, pull up the covers, etc.). This is a skill he will need throughout his life. Without it, he can have trouble as an adult with those night wakings that we all experience.

Also, I find when I coach other moms on the sleep issue that a lot of them just assume when their baby wakes (usually crying) at the 45 minute mark, that they need to get them up. They don't realize that with a little encouragement that baby will go right back to sleep. They are just crying b/c they are startled that they are awake! They don't mean to do it, and a lot of times they are a little mad to find themselves awake when they are trying to sleep! I can't tell you how many moms I've talked to who have just pat/shushed their baby at that 45 minute mark and found themselves surprised that their baby went right back to sleep after just a couple of minutes. Mine was a bit more challenging at the 3 month mark - he needed more pat/shushing at first - but that was because we also needed to tweak his awake time (he wasn't getting enough). Helping our children get enough restorative sleep is one of our most important jobs as a mom. It helps them stay healthy (not enough sleep weakens the immune system), helps their little bodies grow (lots of healing/growing occurs during sleep), and helps with brain development (they need restorative sleep for proper brain development). 

As for posting your routine, it doesn't need to be one that is the same every day (very few babies are the same EVERY day!  ), just what happened yesterday. It may help. Include any night wakings/feedings if you can.