First off, calm down LOL. You're not in the worst case of accidental parenting so don't beat yourself up for it. We all parent our kids the best way we can and know and I'm sure you never mean to harm her but comfort her and give her attention.
It is OK to use milk in the wind down process. It seems to help lo's sleep better and wind down easily. IT is not recommended that they're still using a bottle after 18 mo's but if it's only for milk and they drink it fast and brush teeth afterwards the damage is not severe (or noticeable in most cases). Peds and dentists recommend the wean of the bottle because of rotten and uneven teeth growth thinking of cases of kids that have a bottle hanging out of their mouths all day long.
You could start a slow weaning process by offering half of the bottle before the bedtime routine and then the other half at the end of it. After a week do it 60/40 and every other day increase it until she finishes the bottle before going down. I know brushing teeth is not the most soothing process but you can do it introducing a silly song and making it part of your going down ritual. I wouldn't mess with the 5 am bottle until you're done with the naps and bedtime routine.
When she's drinking the whole bottle before going down, try patting and soothing her with your hands to go down. Introducing a long windown might help you there, introduce an extra book or an extra song along with the changes so she gets used to be drowsy with other types of help different than the bottle.
After that is accomplished you can start watering down her 5 am bottle or offering less amount of fluid until she gets used to be offered only plain water and hopefully she'll stop waking for that.
For night wakings try your best to not offer water, try with patting or wi/wo consistantly (I know you mention this hasn't worked in the past but if you keep consistant at it, she'll learn that is ok).
HTH and keep us posted!
