18 month old - lost ability to go to sleep on own!!

[emwill]

wonder if you can help? A lot of you describe certain methods and sleep issues, but with smaller babies, mine is 18 months and it is getting worse. he is my second baby, DD is now 5 and is a great sleeper.

Ds has become very clingy to me, and if i put him in his cot awake, he just stands up at the end of the cot and just screams and wails. So far i have been soft, i know i have, and after a while have just given in and picked him up, cuddled him to slep and returned him to his cot once in a deep sleep. After a bout of illness, he has started to wake in the night, and now seemingly unable to get himself to sleep, just stands up and cries until one of us caves in, and brings him into our bed, when he is asleep instantly. Neither of us can sleep properly with him on our bed, we aren't comfortable with it and we can't rest, we are exhausted and both work, and this simply cannot continue.

The thing is i find the idea of leaving him to cry awful, he gets so distressed and ends up gagging. Ironically, when he has a nap at nursery, he WILL go to sleep by himself, no problems, no crying, nothing. So i know he CAN do it, he is just old enough now to be a bit more canny and realise that at home, he can do things differently. We have just had a week where things have got worse - he was ill, then DH got it ten times worse, and neither of us have been in a fit state to try and resolve this, we have been exhausted and ill, and doing anything and everything that will ensure we all sleep. As DS has also been ill, sleep training and being strict has been out of the question. Nut he is now waking in the night every night, earlier and earlier, it feels like in a bid to get in our bed as soon as possible!

Advice welcome!

[emwill]

can anyone help??

[Florencia]

I wouldn't suggest trying sleep training while he's ill. Probably his waking had gotten worse because of being sick and feeling poorly. Have you tried pain medications? he might have caught an eair infection or have headaches or body pain. Ask your ped about it. Is he on antibiotics? it seems the virus he caught was an awful one seeing the response your dh had to it. Wait a couple of weeks to get started on a sleep training techique.

Meantime I'd suggest you to check on the FAQ section of this board on 2 threads, one is called Most Common Sleep Busters and Teaching Independent Sleep. There, you'll find different reasons why a toddler has poor sleep habits and will be able to figure out if something rings a bell. Then you'll choose a sleep training technique that suits you and ds best to get started. But wait till he's cleared from all infections to do so.

You can also try damage control while he's sick. An humidifier in his room (to prevent congestion along with the right prescription), elevate the mattress on a 20 degree position, lots of cuddles while awake and by all means try not to take him to your bed. You can go to him instead, by placing a mattress or sleeping bag next to his crib and you can sleep next to him while this illness last. That way, he won't be left alone but also won't make an habit of going to your bed every time he's distressed. I agree, you won't rest as beautifully as in your bed, but there's the up side where you won't have to actually climb out of your bed to go and get him ... it has worked for me and other moms here in the past.

Also, can you post what his typical day looks like? naps, feedtimes and bedtime so we can see if he might need some tweaking.

HTH and keep us posted!

[emwill]

thanks so much for your reply - the bug was a nasty one, DH just got antibiotics this morning  - the first in ten years at least!

DS seems over it now, but i'm not ready to try anything in earnest (e.g. any form of sleep training) until Dh is well - as i think it will take both of us; it would be cruel to start such a thing only for me to bottle out so i need to make sure we are both fully committed on well! I will check out the FAQ's next, but here is his typical day :

Wakes at 5.20am, we bring him into our bed - way to early for us to get up, and he falls straight to sleep until 7.30 ish, when we all get up. (yep, this habit started way back, and is possibly the start of where things went wrong!) - has a bottle of milk

Breakfast at 9 - cereal and toast

lunch at 12 - warm home cooked food, followed by fruit

Nap from 12.30/45 for an hour and a half

tea at 4pm

snack at 6

bath, bottle of milk at 7.30, in our bedroom, lights down, falls straight to sleep on me, i then transfer him into his cot.

Seeing it when written, it is obvious what is being done wrong, but it is how it has evolved to be this way...I know we should be settling him in his own room, placing him in his cot when he is sleepy but still awake, but it is because we have had huge problems doing that, that it has come to where we are now. So i will hot foot it over to the FAQ's!

Thanks!

Anna

[Florencia]

By looking at your post I think you can introduce some slight changes while you get ready to get started on the sleep trainining as damage control.

First, I'd move the nap nearer to 12:45/1 pm (that is a 15 min increment) so he has his longest awake period in the am rather than in the PM to avoid overtiredness at bedtime (I'm slightly suspicious he might be a bit too tired in the evenings, hence him almost passing out in your arms). Preserve the 730 pm bedtime.

Then, you can try slowly to introduce a longer winddown for the evening where you do the lights out thing and maybe some soothing music with him in the cot. That would be a soft way to let him fall asleep in his crib rather than in your arms. This is up to you but i think that if you keep things relaxed and giving him time to adapt this might work well since he's obviously tired by then. You can sing songs, pat and rub him and make it all mellow and cuddly but slowly getting your arms out of the equation. IF we can get the independent sleep sorted out first, nightwakings will be easier to handle in the future. Before you get started with sleep training, you can help him go to sleep by you being in the room patting/cuddling and when he (and your husband) are healthy again, start trying to get you out of the room.

How do you feel about sleeping in his room? sort of a gradual withdrawal method, you get into his room at the first night waking and don't leave his side till the morning. It would be a huge change for us tough but if he takes it well, it might also help you sleep training be an easier transition and prepare things.

Another suggestion would be to switch his strong meal at 6pm and have the snack at 4pm so you make sure he goes to bed with a full tummy and won't wake in the middle of the night hungry.

HTH and keep us posted whatever you decide. Good luck and healthy vibes going your way!"!!! Take care of yourself too so you don't get the nasty virus too!

 

[emwill]

thanks so much for your suggestions - will take them all on board, tweaking his nap sounds like a great idea. And i read the FAQ's yesterday, and i think the gradual withdrawal sounds good - so will invest in an inflatable mattress so i can get on with that, maybe next week. And we already switched his "main" meal yesterday to a lighter snack at 4 and a meal at 6.

He seems not necessarily dependant on being held to go to sleep, but for me (or DH) to be there next to him - last night he happily fell asleep lying next to me, not being held at all. I then transferred him into his cot - the tricky thing is to get him to fall asleep in his cot with me next to him then gradually withdraw - that would be great. But the issue being as SOON as he is placed in the cot, instantly, he freaks out, there ins't a period where he is quiet and calm and then gradually gets upset, he instantly gets bereft, so it's not like i can calm and soothe him whilst he is in the cot. I am starting to wonder whether we should banish the cot altogether, get him in a junior bed (which DD is currently in, just means getting her a big bed and moving her old bed into his room) with a bed guard, so i can lie on it with him, settle him in his own room, in his own bed, so he falls asleep in the right place, and then gradually withdraw from that? 

What do you think??  This site is great, i really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me, and it has just occurred to me, aside from the subject i suppose, is this a US based site? I'm in saddleworth, north england. I like the idea of swapping parenting advice across the ocean!

Thanks,

Anna

[Florencia]

HI Anna! I'm glad you're finding some answers here... it is so hard sometimes!!!!

I think the change from crib to bed would be a bit too much considering all the things that are at play now. But you could try (if you fit in) to jump in the crib with him the first 10-15 mins and then jump out to your blow up mattress. I think the reason he freaks out when being left in the crib is because he knows that you might be leaving after that so as soon as he notices you're gonna lay down just right there, he might take it well, you never now. Talk to him about it too, before bedtime. Let him watch how you prepare the mattress and tell him mommy's gonna sleep there while he needs it. They can understand so much more than we can think of. That should make his resistance slow down or even dissapear.

As for the site, it's been created in England but there are many moms across the US, Canada, Ireland, Australia, Europe and even Latin America that are regular members. I'm mexican and live in Mexico City so as I write this i assume you must be having your tea and it's only lunch time here. Funny uh? I'm glad you like the site and have found it helpful. I know it has saved my life and sanity in quite a bunch of times.

Good luck in the weekend!