Separation Anxiety in 12 month old?

[MDHmommy]

Thought about posting this in the new support thread, but thought it might be better off on its own.

What to do about DS who clearly has sep. anxiety? I say clearly b/c he is super clingy all day, cries and chases me out the door at daycare - when he used to LEAP from my arms to go play with other kids - and now sobs when I leave his room on my DH's nights to put him to bed (we take turns).

He's also been waking at night for reassurance - and I've recently moved an air mattress into his room because those night wakes can be lengthy if I don't get in there fast enough!

And...(as if there needed to be more) when I put him down - he used to just roll over and go to sleep, now he whines and whimpers, and I must stay there to pat him and then sit in chair until he falls asleep ... and generally I'll have to get up 2-3 times to lay him back down ...

Oh, and did I mention, he's recently started the transition to the Toddler room at daycare? Now that I'm typing this all out...no wonder the poor kid's got issues!! I feel so bad for him because he's clearly feeling anxious...

So my questions are really:

1. How can I help him with the separation in the morning at daycare. I usually come back, and try to get him busy with a toy on the floor, then wait for the teacher to come over and play with him so that I can kiss him and quickly leave. What else can I do?

2. Am I doing the right thing by PD when stands and then otherwise staying in chair across room till he goes to sleep. Then going to bed in my bed, and moving into his room when he wakes (time varies). How long should I keep this up? I spent the entire month of November on his floor....ugh.

Any thoughts would be v. v. appreciated!!!

[Florencia]

Sometimes the S.A is agravated by overtiredness. You mention he's being moved to the toddler room at daycare, so perhaps he's napping less due to daycare rules. Sometimes they force lo's to switch to one nap when they're not ready yet. Is this the case with your lo? You have to watch him really closely to look on another hints for his S.A., sometimes is developmental (too many changes going at once, like walking,t alking) and sometimes is pain related (illness due to winter and colder seasons and teething). This all might be a part of the quiz.

I suggest you to check on the FAQ section of this board under a thread called Most Common Sleep busters and see if something there rings a bell.

As for what you're doing, i think it's totally ok. Don't cheat on him when leaving on daycare (that is quickly leaving), sometimes a long goodbye is what works. That's what i implemented with my own lo, we started saying goodbye since leaving our house, singing silly songs or making "goodbye faces" and talk talk talk like when the bell rings mommys gonna come and get you etc. It may seem he's not listening to you but beleive me, he is. Try and spend at least 30 mins straight after daycare just with you and him playing and doing something fun. THat way he'll know he has special time with mommy.

Then, if the SA is still bad, then you might have to spend another month in his room just to reassure him.
HTH and good luck!

[MDHmommy]

Def. not getting enough day time sleep. They do make them take one nap - their nap time is from just after lunch until 3 - but he's not sleeping that whole time. Seems he's only sleeping for 2 hours at the most. They will give a day time nap if you ask them to, so I might try that next week (he's done visiting for this week - they transition gradually) He's in the infant room today, so they nap 2x there, I'll be eager to see what he does.

He's pretty much got all of the things you're talking about htat cause SA - teething, pain (just got over ear infection) walking, just got over icky cold....

I'll try what you're saying re: extending the goodbye - I drive him to "school" so I'll start talking about it then, and will give myself an extra 10-15 minutes in the morning so that I can hang out with him and get him settled. Hopefully that will help! I work about an hour away from the daycare, and my DH picks him up every day and gets him dinner, etc. but I'll discuss this with him and see if he can't be sure to play with him right away. DH is NOTORIOUS for multi tasking and kind of ignoring the baby...not sure if I should complain about htat or not as dinner is always on the table when I walk in the door...which makes me very lucky! But DS does need the attn' more than I need the dinner...I suppose

I'll check out that thread too - might be some good stuff in there.

I don't work on Fridays - so this long weekend, I'll try to work on his naps and see if that improves his nights at all.

Meanwhile, any thoughts on how I can get out of his room at night when it's DH's "turn" to put him to bed? Or, should I just put him to bed for a couple of weeks while we ride this out?

[Florencia]

Meanwhile, any thoughts on how I can get out of his room at night when it's DH's "turn" to put him to bed? Or, should I just put him to bed for a couple of weeks while we ride this out?

I'd stay with him while he requests it even if that means that Dh's turn is a bit dismissed. If it keeps on going you could try to do bedtime together and then you can gradually remove yourself from the equation but i'd keep at giving the extra attention during awake times if it's not much trouble. I'm sure it's jsut a phase.

Good luck... jealous about finding dinner served when walking into the house. God knows that'll never happen in my household

[Stace]

I'm having EXACTLY the same problems with my 13 month old! He had chicken pox recently and until then he was really independent but all of a sudden he's really clingy!

I have to sit in his room until he falls asleep at nights when he used to fall straight to sleep as soon as I put him down. He keeps standing up reaching out for me until I kiss his hand, then he'll lie down for a few minutes until I move, then he'll get up again and do the same thing! This can happen 10-15 times before he eventually falls asleep.

It's only been going on for a few days but when he's been such a good sleeper it's really disturbing!

I've put the t-shirt that I was wearing today over his pillow in the hope that he'll smell me if he wakes and nod back off again? I'll let you know if it helps.

I'm just so glad I'm not alone!

Any break throughs please let me know and I'll do the same.

 

[MDHmommy]

DS has come down with a nasty bug, fever, rash, (I'm praying it's not Rosela) sniffles and cough, and top it off....pink eye! Argh!
So, I'm thinking his clingyness has to do with the fact that he feels horrible! I think that I held him all day long today!
Poor thing.
He's been in bed since 6pm, hopefully he'll get better soon.
Stace - I've been working on moving away from DS slowly while he's playing on the floor - trying to get him "cool" with me being more than 12" away...will let you know how that goes!

[Florencia]

Oh poor little thing! They just have to get every bug on the planet before christmas, don't they? i've had a virus visit in the past couple of weeks... not fun nor restful should I add.

I can only offer hugs and keep in mind it's just a phase. Offer as much cuddles and love as possible and do gradual withdrawal while the sickness lasts.

HUGS, i hope both lo's get better soon.

[Stace]

T-shirt on the pillow idea not much help unfortunately!

I've been doing the put down method, lying him facing away from me if he stands up in his cot which settles him but he wants to hold my hand and everytime I try to leave him he gets really upset.

He's actually not too clingy during the day; he is with me all the time as I'm a stay at home mummy but nights are really tough at the moment.

Don't think I mentioned his two molars coming in which isn't helping! I'm also 11 weeks pregnant so wonder if he can sense that he's going to have to share us?

I'm supposed to go on a night out on Sunday with hubby, do you think I should cancel and stay at home with him or just try to tough it out? My sister would be with him and he's spent quite a bit of time with her this week?

Thanks for your help, I really appreciate the support here in Scotland.

[MDHmommy]

Stace, I would not cancel if I were you. You need the time to yourself, esp. if you're a SAHM! It's not as though you're leaving him with a complete stranger! Auntie will be able to entertain him. My DS cries every time I leave him either with his Marmie (my mother, who he adores) or his Day Care providers, who he also adores!) He even cries when I leave him with DH! Usually 5 minutes later, he's engaged in something else and has completely forgotten all about me.

Re: sickness, sleeping and SA...
Past few nights have not been so great, he was feeling poorly and not sleeping well. He slept in bed with me on Monday night because he was feeling so badly! He tossed and turned like crazy, but actually, I think it was a good thing because I realized that he was propping himself up in order to sleep. Which makes sense with the double ear infection we just found out that he has!

So, last night I gave him some Calms Forte for kids (homeopathic) to help him relax, some tylenol for the pain, and his antibiotic...(quite the cocktail!) and a pillow in his bed to prop himself up. He woke coughing a couple of times, but got himself back to sleep each time without me even going to his room! No crying either....So hopefully we're on the mend.

I also took the air bed out of the nursery, I think that he was looking at it and then wanting me to come in, and then when I was there, he wanted me to hold him! Maybe an out of sight out of mind thing, I hope!

Keep up the work with the PD method, I found it worked very well for us.

K

[Florencia]

MDH, I'm so very sorry to hear your ds is that sick! I know how bad an ear infection is, let alone TWO of them! that little one is a trooper!!!! i'm sure he'll sleep well once he's healthy again.

Stace, go for your night and don't bother to call home and see how things are. Your lo might fuss and have a rough night, but nothing auntie can't deal with if she's given the instructions. Enjoy your night out, have a lovely dinner and don't worry. Sometimes lo's behave better with other people than they do with mommy. Keep at the PD method, it might take a while but you'll be happy to persevere once things start moving in the right direction. Molars can be quite the sleep buster so I'm sure his poor sleep is due to it.

HUGS!

[MDHmommy]

Thanks Florencia!

Question for you:
As far as you know, is there a 12 month growth spurt?
Aside from all the SA trouble and sickness I've told you about - he woke up last night at 3am crying for a bottle. I gave him a little one, just 4 oz. and he went back to sleep and slept beautifully until 6:30!
He usually wakes crying and awful at 5, and is impossible to get back down. But this AM he was happy and content at 6:30.
Someone in my birth club mentioned possible growth spurt - but I was thinking perhaps he's in need of a night feed? How can this be? What do you think?
He's generally a pretty good eater - has not been eating super-well past week or so, but the early wake time and cranky attitude supercedes the not-great eating.
Would love to hear what you think. Thanks!!
Kate

[Florencia]

Hi Kate!

I'm not a development expert, I can only talk from my personal experience and the lo's i've known. It seems for some reason (i tend to think it's teething pain) that 1 yolds tend to refuse solid meals for a while hence, opening their appetite for milk and other fluids (such as juice or soy beverages). If you notice your lo is eating poorly, you can offer some calcium intake just before bed, (such as cheese and crackers, tofu, yoghurt) that are easy to chew but also high on protein and calories and this will hopefully help his night appetite to decrease.

If he was a refluxer as a baby he might have an issue keeping an empty stomach for longer periods, hence the need of an early feed. If that's the case (it is with my ds) i recommend you to do a very early feed in his sleep, that is, don't wait him for him to wake of hunger, instead peek into his room, pop a bottle and if hed rains it, it's very likely that he needs it.  Then leave (i still do it and my lo is 2.5 years old!!!!!!!) on days i don't do it, he'll wake early and will be cranky for the day. Not very "by the book" advice but some lo's just have different needs

HTH!

[MDHmommy]

Yes!
He has been refusing foods he normally LOVES. I can't get him to eat any protien but cheese...And all he's really interested in has been fruit and pasta. Can't get a veggie in him either!  I'll try a high-cal snack tonight and see how he does. 
Thanks so much for your help. I'll keep you posted!
K

[MDHmommy]

Ok, Florencia, I'm stumped again!?

DS is feeling much better, he's not nearly as clingy. Transition at daycare has gone great - he loves the new room and does not cry at all when I leave, and he's even letting DH put him to bed again. It all seems to be eating much better, cold and all symptoms have cleared up to the point where he only woke once last night with his cough, I PD only once to get him back to sleep and he was in good shape until....

4:45 AM!!! When I could not get him back to sleep....so I gave him a small bottle and let him come to our bed, he fell asleep at 5:30 and then I had to wake him up at 7:00 because we had to get going to daycare/work...

He's been waking up v. early like this for about 2 weeks and I had attributed it to his sickness....He obviously does not want to be up, he's miserable, and on the rare occasion that he'll go back to sleep, I often have to wake him up at 7:00.

But, I don't think that sickness is the issue anymore.

Should I start a new thread for this?

Here's our day - clearly the AM is insane, I'd be happy with a 545 wake up at this point.

445 wake up + bottle
Sometimes back to sleep, sometimes up for day at 515 (sob)
Breakfast of solids at home - 7
Nap - 1230-230
Snack 3/315
Dinner 530
Snack 630
Bath 7
Books and bottle 715
Bed 730

Help please!!

Kate

[Florencia]

HIs whole schedule looks fine to me. Perhaps he's still waking as a leftover of the rough period he just had or perhaps he's feeling unwell at that time. Instead of a bottle and taking him to your bed (this might encourage him to wake), try and offer some pain medication and a bottle of water. Stay with him to get him back to sleep, you might even have to do some gradual withdrawal then, moving to his room to encourage him to stay and sleep there. If Wi/Wo is an option, you could also try it until desired awake time. I'm more with the "stay with him" school but you have to choose what works best for you. You're about to turn the corner, you just have to deal with this early morning and if he's going back to sleep on a regular basis i'd say with the standard training he should be back to sleep soon. If the above doesn't work, you could try some W2S (described on the FAQ section) if he's waking at a consistant hour.

HTH and Happy holidays!