lacking motivation

[yaya]

  STILL havent got my son to go to sleep in his bed. He lays down on me and goes to sleep then I transfer him to his bed. I have no motivation (altho I really really really want him to be able to do it!) as I cannot face hrs of crying,/screaming/ overtiredness etc. Every day I say, today I will start sleep traininh and every night I chicken out...what to do??? I even considered leaving it till after the baby is born when I can 'reason' with T a bit more as he doesnt yet seem to understand 'i'll be right back to tuck you in' or something to that effect. I don't find what we do problematic in that I don't physically have to do anything and it is a nice cuddle time but clearly we NEED to sleep train...he's 18 mos
IS there any way do approach this with limited crying?
My main issue is DS finds it REALLY hard to switch off in the evenings (even in total darkness) and fusses and fidgets A LOT, so when left to his own devices it takes him over an hr. I have tried to sleep train in the past as you all know with varying degrees of success but the last times I have tried it it hasnt taken him less time to fall asleep even after 2 weeks and it's exhausting for me.

I really need some BW support and motivation (and suggestions welcome ) as i havent the strength to do this alone

TIA

[Jaime]

at least you're honest!!   

minimal crying.... dunno about that - think about how long you've been doing things this way; T is going to fight any kind of new way simply because it's different.

however, gradual withdrawal will probably be the best bet for you - least amount of movement!!
https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=80750.0

YOU CAN DO IT!!!! 

[*Natasha*]

First of all HUGS you know i have followed your journey with T and his sleep problems.
Are you doing this for naps as well or just bedtime.
I agree with Jamie GW is the best approach first start with sitting with him until he falls asleep do this for a few days to a week then slowly move closer to the door until you are out. Is your DP their at night to help out and take turns with you especially if the crying gets to much for you?

[binxyboo]

Is he is his own bed or a crib, I can't remember?

We have coslept from birth, it works wonderfully for us. Riley is such an independent, spirited little boy, but come bedtime, he turns into a complete little snuggle bunny. He loves to lay very close to me, or on top of me on the bed, and will hug me and stroke my face etc. To encourage him to learn to fall asleep independently, I would do his usual winddown, he might lie on me for a little while, and then I would roll him over to his own side of the bed when he was drowsy, and wait for him to fall asleep. Sometimes this worked, sometimes it was really too much for him, and I had to take a step back. Anyway, over time, we have gotten to the stage where I will lie with him for a bit, and then leave the room, and he will fall asleep on his own. Now, this does not happen every time, and some nights he wants me there, and I am fine with that. I just have the one lo, and I don't have another on the way like you do.

I don't think it will be any easier to do this when the baby gets here. I imagine it would only be more stressful on you to start it then too. Now Riley is 21 months, and it hasn't gotten any easier to "reason with him" on nights where he wants me there. All I hear from the bedroom is a pitiful, "Uh-oh, Mama's gone....Dada's gone, uh-oh" That really pulls at my heart strings (I am very soft when it comes to my baby  )

If you could imagine a dream bedtime scenario, what would it consist of? We are here to support you, you know that.

Your ds is such a cutey, I often look at his avatar and he reminds me a bit of my own son, with that beautiful blond hair, and his lovely skin.

[mari]

((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))  Massive ones!!

Yaya, I too have followed your posts for such a long time now.  I know how hard it is, I've been there and done it myself, but it took such a long time for me to 'be in the right frame of mind' for the sleep training.

This is how it all really started for me. 

I sat on the bed at 4am, in tears, not wanted to go in to my little girl as I was so tired and angry with her.  This had gone on for months.  I had been trying to juggle sleepless nights and getting up early to care for children during the day with no help from anybody (DH was working in the US at the time) and I think that I was about to crack up.
I posted on this board that I desperately needed help and an angel answered my post!!  (Sarah (Henrysmama) and she helped me through it.  It was the best turning point in my life!

When I decided to start the sleep training I went to bed with the children, this enabled me to cope better with the nights.  Alex was waking for up to 4 hours during the nights and having up to 3 bottles of milk, I was the Mother of Accidental Parents!!!

I know that you can do it, it is a matter of motivation, but really, if you do one month of hard work now, you will have the rest of your pregnancy to relax and take it easy so that you can be ready for the birth.

So, take a look at which type of training will be best for you and your lo, and start making the preparations now and make a start before this weekend.  No later than Friday and do it.  You can, I know you can.

Please let us help you through this difficult time.  We really want to help.
 

[yaya]

Oh girls, your replies have brought tears to my eyes Thank you all for the vote of confidence...to answer a few Qs DP CAN and would LOVE to do more with bedtime/naps/sleeping, in all honesty....I don't let him I'll try to explain, T has had soo many issues that I have never been able to break away from him, feeling too guilty at 'abadoning' him even if I was just lying down next door so to cut a long story short DP has never put T to bed and I fear that because he is the number one of all playmates , it would get T more overexcited than he already is....silly I know
So what we have been doing for now is basically what Michelle described, T lays on me snuggles up and goes to sleep (same for naps with the diff that naps it takes him 5mins little fidgeting and bedtime takes 25-30mins with A LOT of fidgeting), I actually enjoy this when it goes smoothly (90% of the time) but sometimes its hot and we obviously make each other sweaty! Other times we are not at home which means I have to be with him for naps and bedtimes and it can take too long. He is sleeping great  so think he's well and truly 'learnt' this way but to answer Michelle's Q: My dream scenario is say g'nite, put T in cot walk out and him fall asleep peacefully and happily within 30mins (MAX): because I have tried this so many times I know that he finds it really difficult to unwind (even in my arms he squirms about) and I think it's the containment of my arms that helps him to fall asleep because it limits twitichin getc (which is what he does and ultimately keeps him from falling asleep when left to himself- as if the bed was waaaaay to spacious and he couldnt settle).
As I said, I cannot deal with the crying, never have and altho I tolerate it much more, I hate those distressed cries and when sleep training I just feel so guilty as it's my own fault he cannot get to sleep I just sit there imagining him twisting, turning, fidgeting etc and I can sympathesise, I hate it when I cannot get to sleepSO i feel bad.
I must must must to this tho coz I realise it's limiting his independence....maybe I'll give it a shot tonight? Biggest prob I have is when after a week of hard work I don't see results (has been the case in the past- the 'results' have always come after a few weeks and I find it so disheartening after all the hard work on both our parts...)

Don't know how to thank you all for your support and can I be cheeky and ask for you to keep it coming TIA

[mari]

Yaya, when you are sleep training and hearing him cry, please don't feel sorry for him you are doing the best thing for him, teaching him how to have a full nights rest.  You owe it to him to give him that opportunity, so please don't feel guilty.  If you don't try this, he will never have rest, your new baby will never rest and you will never rest.  You can do this as a matter of urgency. 
And stop being a martyr!! if DH says he wants to help, let him!  Take all the help you can get! 

[yaya]

LOL...ur right!

[DavidsMomma]

I don't have much to offer as I am still sleep training with my DS, but I did want to post...
I want to offer support and <<<hugs!>>>  You can do it!!  I completely understand where you are coming from in putting it off.  I am not even pregnant and it takes all of my might just to start sleep training, again (sickness has put us off.)  I have to remind myself almost every minute to relax, and know that I am doing what's best for my DS and myself. 
I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I am sure you will find it here!  Good luck!  And again, You can do it!!!

[ryan's mum]

I have been where you are now and it is very frustrating .In the beginning I had to do whatever it took to ease Ryan's discomfort due to his reflux and I did a lot of AP ( don't use this term as i chose to use these methods ) I was rocking to sleep for months ,once Ryan's reflux meds kicked I decided to try and sleep train but something always put a halt on it ,it was usually flare ups and infections as it took us a long time to get his reflux under control ,he didn't start on the meds that worked untill he was 9 months and then with finding the right dose e.t.c it took untill around 16 months to actually try the sleep training ,like you i hated to see him upset and I knew the crying aggrevated his reflux ,with Ryan having to already cope with reflux i did feel cruel making him cry when if i sat there with him there was no crying . The problem with this was that Ryan wasn't falling asleep independantly as i was either shhhing or strocking his head to help him fall asleep .I would cringe when he was doppy and nearly falling asleep and then he would sit up to check if i was still there. I was the one that put him to bed every night too as I was protective ,i think this comes with your LO having a medical issue .The night times where getting longer and longer to get him to sleep and it was starting to bother me as i was having no evening time to myself once i had done my chores .Ryan also depended on me to put him to bed .This all started to change because there was one night I was late home ( mum's car had a flat tyre ) and DP had to put Ryan to bed ,that night was terrible for both DP and Ryan as DP didn't know how i was helping Ryan to sleep and Ryan basically wanted mum ,so although I had avoided all the tears and upset in the past that night it was out of my hands and i did feel really quilty .From then on I started to put Ryan to bed but didn't interact with him at all ,yes he squirmed around his bed a lot and it took a lot longer for him to fall asleep but he was learning to fall asleep indep .I did this for months too  and he realised over that time that i wasn't going to interact with no matter how hard he tried ( he wasn't crying )When they are so used to you being there I don't think it matters on the age and reasoning with them ,This was a reason i kept using to put off sleep training . We did do G/W and it did work but it just took a lot longer for us as Ryan has a very small room and i was practically by the door anyway .Teaching your baby to sleep indep is the best thing you can do for them and letting your DH get involved too .Just lay down rules like I did ,I always warn the pair of them no messing around it's sleep time and not play time .It's only recently that Ryan has had a story before bed as this over stimulated him before .We take him up and read a story ,put his night light on and say goodnight now and walk out the room , Ryan is asleep in 15 mins tops ( did take longer before we stopped nap though ) .I wish i would have stuck with it a lot sooner as it's nice having my evenings back and not being stuck up in his room for anything up to 2 hrs on a bad night .Don't wait till 2yrs like i did .
  it's soo much better for them to sleep indep and not relying on you .Just have in mind that if for some reason you have to be away from home ( having new baby ) both your DH and T are going to find it hard .It took us longer than a few weeks to see results as i had being doing it this way for soo long and obviously Ryan didn't like the no interaction .You need to start by having him in his bed right at the start and not on you .It is harder for you as you have another baby on the way and pregnant .I was exactly like you when one method failed i would be searching for another to help him get to sleep sooner just to avoid the crying before bed ,you can reach that goal of putting him to bed and walking out  .I could have and think I might have written you post around Ryan being 18 months ,I was soo scared I would break the trust he had in me and I just couldn't make myself stand out on the landing ,that protectivness was taking over and I was the one that had to deal with it to help Ryan in the long run .
 I am having similar issues now with playschool ,I just can't stand all the upset and crying but unlike sleep traiing this is something Ryan has to do ,he needs to go to school I could have stayed in the room forever to help him to sleep .
 It's going to get harder for you when you have the baby .

[yaya]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your replies. Nadia, urs really touched base...this is exactly what i feel like. i think the medical issues play a huge part in how i've become with him, i realise that I am over the top and many people comment on it but i think till u go thorugh that with a child u cant understand

[yaya]

sorry pressed 'post' by mistake!
so basically u have outlined how i feel, if u can do it I can too
thanx for the motivatioN!!!

[mari]

Yaya, you can do it.  If I can, you can.
I'll do a deal with you.  If you start and stick with it consistently for 2 weeks and say that you see no improvement after the two weeks are up then I will pay £20 to the BW donation next month.  ( and that's a bargain as I'm short next month as I am 1 child down on my childminding wages!!)

[ryan's mum]

I have to be honest here and it did take longer than 2 weeks to see a difference . It is very hard with the medical issues involved this is the reason I was staying in the room because i was soo scared he was going to choke  ,everytime he was grunting and squirming around I was sitting him up to burp or clear his throat as he wasn't able to do it himself and it was hard for him to fall asleep . The thing is when he was old enough to sit himself up I still stayed in the room  .From start to finish it did take me more like 3/4 months because i took it very slowly so he didn't get upset , I went at his pace and it did pay off .We didn't have that much crying to be honest it was more whinging than anything because i was not interacting with him .I even took a book in his room at one point and i was reading whilst I sat there waiting for him to fall asleep ,he did peep down at me a few times but i guess it was boring . After he was managing to fall asleep with no help (ssh or stroking ) then i started to sit further away ,it was the reassurance he needed more than anything .The odd thing was that if he woke in the night ( we had a lot of night wakings when reflux was bad ) he would sit up and clear his throat and then fall back asleep so he wasn't needing me then and like you naps were 5/10 mins at the most again just sat next to his bed .
 I have had loads of comments about how i was spoiling Ryan by staying up there but got the usual CIO advice they never seemed to understand the reflux part . I did what I had to do but looking back now after seeing the results and having my free time at night I wish I had tried sooner but then on the other hand when I did it seemd to be the right time for Ryan .It is hard to let go as in a way it is nice having that time with them at bedtime and when things go smoothly you do enjoy it ,it's when it takes forever for them to fall asleep that you get frustrated .At times DP could hear me getting frustrated and he would offer to switch places but I never let him  it's like i couldn't let go and i knew DP wasn't as soft as me .
 We did have set backs along the way but I made sure i never went back to helping him fall asleep i did go back to sitting there a few times though and this is why it was a slower process .Consistency is key but I can't be hypocritical and tell you to be consistent as i wasn't . It will come together  .
 The hardest part i found was getting out on that landing as he was looking for me and i knew WI/WO was just working him up more as i tried that first ,it got him soo upset me going in and out all the time maybe if i was more consistent with it would have paid off , who knows ?
 Thomas can do it and so can you .If you can manage to let DP help you will find it easier to let go    .DP putting Ryan to bed is a rare occurance 'cos Ryan does still want me putting him to bed but I know if needs be he will go up with DP .You will not lose that bond and he won't resent you ( big worry for me ) .
 Go at your's and T's pace if it takes longer then still it's worth it to get the end result . Ryan would have still had me in the room with him now ,they know no different to them that's how bedtime goes . T isn't going to be impressed with the change at first ,i guess you know that as you have tried in the past but he will learn to understand .
 Thinking of you .I know it's hard 

[yaya]

Mari , u r so sweet! i will take you up on that deal and donate myself to thank everyone. Tonight I was going to start, give him his bottle, put him down but he fussed about at his bottle so I hesitated and then caved...hmmm crap start!
Thank you girls, your kinds words mean a lot. Tomorrow we start (tbh I was knackered tonday nieghbourgh's alarm woke me up singign away from 5am to 8am  and then I had work).
Here's to hoping for some success tomorrow!
Thank you thank you thank you