Really need help with 16 month old's sleeping

[SallyDom]

Hi everyone,

I'll start by apologising; I know this is gonna be a long post!

(Dominic has been baby whispered almost since birth and was sleeping through - pretty much - and could go to sleep independently for his naps and bedtime)

So, Dom is coming up 16 months old and for almost 5 months his sleeping has been awful. I am at the end of my tether and don't know what to do next. It started 20 weeks ago (I know exact dates cos it was the week I found out I was pregnant again) when Dom & I had a tummy bug. He really was poorly and needed loads of cuddles so when he woke in the night I cuddled him. For 2 weeks after this he was teething and got 9 teeth in the 2 weeks so again nights still bad but I knew he needed us. From then on things just haven't improved. He started by waking in the night and falling asleep in our arms the second we picked him up but screaming if we tried to put him down. I guess we didn't help ourselves as we held him until he was deep asleep and then put him down. This moved on to nightwakings and/or early waking every night, with our record being a wake up of 4.10am. Complete nightmare!

After a couple of months I decided to ask my HV for advice; I hadn't done this previously as I was sure she'd tell me to leave him to cry which I wouldn't do. Anyway she was really lovely and gave me a sleep diary to fill out, a book on sleep problems and arranged to come the next week to look at Dom's routine. With that he slept through for 6 nights so I cancelled my appointment. After those 6 nights his wake ups went earlier and earlier and then we got back to night wakings as well. He is so tired but the problem is he'll only sleep if we stay in his room. At one point he was hysterical if I laid him in his cot and didn't continuously stroke his back, now we can usually stand at his door but he keeps looking up to check we are there. It can take ages to settle him at bedtime and during the night it's so hard. He'll lay down and appear to be asleep but when we leave and go back to bed he'll wake and scream. Really scream like he's terrified. It usually takes at least an hour to settle him suring the night.

On a good day he'll sleep until about 5am but even then he's still tired and will lay down but again we have to stay with him or he screams. After an hour or so of this I've usually had enough and get up with him anyway as I can't stand being stood at his bedroom door any longer.

I've wondered if it's his routine that's causing all the problems, he in between 1 and 2 naps which doesn't help, and because he's waking so early he's needing 2 naps but on the rare occasions he sleeps until after 7 he can often last, have an early lunch and then a lovely long nap to see him through until bedtime. I can't even tell you his routine now cos he is waking up anywhere from 5am - 7am (7am only when been up for at least a couple of hours during the night) so his morning nap is maybe 3-4 hours after waking. This often leaves us with him wanting another nap at late afternoon which then disturbs bedtime.

He does have 3 x 10oz bottles a day (an hour after breakfast, mid afternoon, and bedtime) and sometimes will drink 2 full bottles at bedtime - he loves his milk! He eats well, 3 meals a day and sometimes snacks if he has woken really early so can't last until lunchtime.

I try to have his bedtime between 7-7.30pm but am thinking maybe he needs to definately have 2 naps a day so maybe needs to have a later bedtime if he's having more daytime sleep?

Here comes the bit I am so ashamed about...last night after an hour of trying to get him back to sleep but him waking up after a few minutes and screaming I'd just had enough and decided to leave him (I know there shouldn't be any talk of CC / CIO on here but I am so appalled at myself that I hope you will forgive me). We left him for 5 minutes, went back in kissed him, laid him down and left. We did this for 40 mins (going back in every 5 mins) and it was the most horrible thing I've ever done. He didn't stop screaming and we were devastated and I will never ever do it again.  I just didn't know what else to do and couldn't see an end to the night wakings. After the horrendous 40 mins we brought him to our bed (he rarely gets in there, purely guilt) and he fell straight asleep at 5.30am, but still woke at 6.15am, tired but awake.

I have cried on and off all day so ashamed of myself for letting my little boy go through that, poor little mite won't have known why on earth his mummy and daddy weren't helping him.

If anyone has any suggestions as to what we can do next please let me know. There's only just over 3 months until my baby's due and I am so stressed thinking of 2 babies being up in the night. I feel like I don't remember a time that I wasn't tired. Gosh don't I sound dramatic at the moment!

WI/WO doesn't work as the second we walk out he goes into such a state and will only calm if we stroke his back. I guess we have done gradual retreat as we can now stand at the bedroom door rather than have to be touching him but we haven't been able to retreat further than that.   

Any advice MUCH appreciated.

Sally
x

 

[Layla]

Hi Sally! I am sorry to hear things are tough at the moment & I can imagine the pressure you are under wanting to have this fixed before the new bub arrives.

He's obviously very overtired & you're right, the 2-1 transition probably doesn't help. At 16 months he "should" be able to handle longer A times so it would help have his clock set on 1 nap. I would suggest the following routine:

5am - wakes up
10-10.30am - morning nap
12-12.30pm - nap ends
5.30-6pm - bedtime

The bedtime is very early but I strongly believe that it will help erase overtiredness. It will also mean that when he wakes in the morning he will be better rested & then you can work towards pushing the whole day forward in 15-20min increments & finally come to a 7-7 day. If you can see he is miserable 3-4hrs into the morning, then you might want to try 2 naps. If you do so, I would recommend you shorten the morning nap so that he is taking a longer pm nap & can go to bed a little later. ON a 2-nap day his schedule might look something like this:

9.30-10am - morning nap (you will have to wake him)
1-2.30 - afternoon nap (generally 1.5hrs)
7pm - bedtime

Some babies at this age will flat out refuse a pm nap (or it will still be short) even on a 30min catnap & although some have had success with shortening the morning nap even further, it didn't work for us. If you aren't comfortable waking him up in the morning, let him sleep & do a super early bedtime.

Sleep training - this is the hard part!!! I know you want to go towards the GW method & like you said at the moment you are at the door stage but if your presence is stalling bedtime & he is up every minute checking if you are there, then you are a prop & you need to start taking yourself away from the picture. You might want to try telling him you'll be back & leaving the room to see how he will go. Him crying is normal & I don't think you should see it as abandoning him. With the wi/wo method, they will cry but its not the same as cio/cc because you return at every count to reassure him that you are NOT leaving him but at the same time giving him the message that its bedtime. Sleep training can take a while though so I would stick to it for 2 weeks before assesing if its working or not.

Him waking up in the morning is a combination of being dependant on you to get back to sleep as well as being overtired. So for the morning wake up, I would also suggest the wi/wo method until your desired wake up time (say 6am for now).

I have cried on and off all day so ashamed of myself for letting my little boy go through that, poor little mite won't have known why on earth his mummy and daddy weren't helping him.

Please don't give yourself a hard time about it. I did the very same thing... but worse... I let her cio when she was just 14months for an hour at night. I know the guilt you are feeling but please don't!

It might seem impossible now to think that he will sleep through the night but believe me, he will. You can do this!!! You just have to be consistent & do the same thing for all night wakings.

Btw - he is such a gorgeous little boy. I love that pic

hth & let me know if you have any questions
Layla

[SallyDom]

Thank you so much Layla, it feels so much better to know that someone else is there (and has gone through what you have).

I feel stronger and more positive today. Yesterday I was one big cry bucket and even when he woke up at 5am this morning I couldn't be bothered to try wi/wo I was so tired so I ended up sleeping on his bedroom floor which I knew was silly but I just needed sleep.

I am worried about trying wi/wo in the morning as our landing is really bright so when I open his door the sunlight gets in. He won't go to sleep with his door closed at the moment so I was wondering if wi/wo would work or if he would keep looking out of his room at the bright landing and it would wake him up. Your suggestion of keeping at it until a reasonable wake up time is really good, I'll try that thanks.

I didn't think wi/wo would work for some reason but I read the sticky support thread about it late last night and it seemed to make sense. I am sure in time it will work.

Do you think it is reasonable to expect (or hope!) for 12 hours sleep at night for him? It went from 12 hours to 11 ish and now is often 8-9 hours and I thought maybe his nighttime sleep was dropping as he got older - but knew 8-9 hours was too few. It would be lovely for him to have 12 hours again; 7-7 seems like a dream at the moment, he had a late sleep this afternoon but he was ready for bed at 8pm and it took an hour of wi/wo  so it was after 9pm before he was asleep. I am setting myself up for an early wake but will keep at it and see how we go.   

I did feel totally fine about doing wi/wo, not the awful abandoning feeling I had the previous night. I was back in there as soon as he stood up and kept telling I loved him and stuff. So much better!

Thanks again for your advice, I'll keep you posted on how we go
Sal
x

[Layla]

Sally, even when they go down to 1 nap, their night sleep should av about 11hrs. Some do 10.5, some 11.5 so lets say 11 & 2hr nap. See I would be careful how late the pm nap is becuase it then pushes bedtime hour to a LATE hour & they only get 8-9hrs at night which only contributes to overtiredness. My 2yo still needs at least 10.5hrs at night. Her nap has reduced to 1.5hrs but I she definitely needs at least 10.5 at night.

Do you let him have a long morning nap & a pm catnap???

The wi/wo will definitely work!!!

I would maybe plan naps out to protect bedtime
Keep me posted

[SallyDom]

Well had a strange but successful day today! Dom woke at 6am and I decided to try wi/wo cos he'd only had 9 hours. Again it took about an hour but I could see he was tired so stuck at it. He was still sleeping at 8.50 and I had to wake him up as we were going out.

It took less than 15 minutes to get him to sleep this afternoon (I was so delighted it was unbelievable) and it took about half an hour to get him to sleep at bedtime.

So our day today:
6am wake up (wi/wo for 1 hour)
7am-8.50am sleeping
1.40pm-3pm nap (wi/wo for 13 mins - not that I'm timing to the minute or anything!)
8pm asleep (wi/wo for 30 mins)

I still feel so positive and strong about getting Dom's sleep sorted. I keep thinking that we aren't there yet but within a couple of weeks I shall hopefully have a baby that sleeps through and wakes up happy rather than always tired and crying.

Thanks again
Sal
x
   

[Layla]

Sally, thats great to hear . Only 13min for a nap

Keep it up & please keep me posted

[SallyDom]

Well we've had a good couple of days, Thursday, Friday and Saturday were 1 nap days (after lunch for about an hour and a half) which I really like. It seems to make our days work better.
He did wake up during the night on Thurs night and took about an hour but I feel like I don't mind all the walking in and out as I know it's gonna make all the difference very soon. Dom actually slept through on Friday night which was the first time in over 5 months and it felt amazing to wake up and realise it was morning, not the middle of the night. When I went into Dom's room he laid down as soon as he saw me, even though he'd had 11 1/2 hours sleep, the boy's getting it!

We had a problem last night, my brother in law and his partner stayed over and as their room was right next to Dom's, when he woke at 4.45am I stayed in his room just to try and keep him quiet. This didn't work so I took him downstairs. Consequently we've had a 2 nap day but he still went to sleep at about 7.40pm with just over 20 mins wi/wo.

I sound like a broken record but I am still all positive and happy with the whole wi/wo thing. Just wish I'd started it earlier!

Sal
x

[J & J's Mum]

Hi Sal,

That's really good news.  I went through the same thing mith my DS.  It's much more stressful for you though. 

So glad things are looking up  

Good luck xx

[SallyDom]

Thank you, it's lovely to know I am getting so much support
Sal
x

[Layla]

Sal, that is wonderful news !!!! Sleeping through the night is just around the corner