What is the deal with my 19 MO?? I cant leave the room!!

[vickytxs]

I hope someone can give me some advice on this and/or has gone thru the same thing! My son will be 19 MO on the 16th of this month.We have NEVER had a problem settling him for bed or naps. His routine is one nap about 9 to 11 am, then another nap about 130-230. This is consistent. He was never a great sleeper til he started walking at 12 months.
Well, last week he got a cold while he was teething. That is the only time he wants a lot of comfort and me in bed with him is when he is ill or teething. So he wakes last week and I comfort him of course. Well, he stopped his naps all together and everytime I put him down for one, he started crying and holding his arms up for me to pick him up. I thought it was cause he was sick. Well, he is all better now, no runny nose, nothing and it has been going on since last Thursday.
We have always been able to shut the door, have his nightlight and a bottle in bed and he would go off on his own after about 30 minutes. Now, forget it. The minute I shut the door, he starts crying for me. This has literally happened overnight. Nothing has changed, nothing has happened, he's just freaking everytime I try to put him in his crib for a nap and bedtime. We have left him to cry for about 10 min, last night I went in and rocked him in my arms, put him down when he fell asleep and he stayed asleep. But if he wakes and sees me, forget it. I have to take him to bed or rock him. and he is heavy!!
what is going on?? why all of a sudden does he seem so fearful??? can anyone help me with this?? my mother says its just a phase they go through but for how long??!!

[imsmum]

My guess would be that the penny dropped for him when he was sick and he realized "Aha!  If I cry I get to sleep/stay with mummy!"  if that is the case you might want to try wi/wo with him.  If he's overtired from being sick/ not napping you may want some early bedtimes etc, with you staying with him until he gets caught up on his sleep before starting wi/wo. 

[vickytxs]

He's been sick and has never done this before, he always goes back to his routine. but maybe you are right, maybe he thinks he's on to something! can you explain the wi/wo with him to me please?? i have seen it mentioned a lot on the site but not sure how to do it....

[Florencia]

For further info on wi/wo you can go to the FAQ section of this board under a thread called Teaching Independent Sleep.

I was also thinking that your lo is a bit old to be on 2 naps a day. I know illnesses have (at least for us) marked the time to switch schedules. Maybe it's just a coincidence and he's just ready to switch to one nap a day. Maybe he's crying when going down for naps cause he's not tired enough to go to sleep. I've just written a post for a mom that I think is ready to switch to one nap a day. Here's the link

https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=79002.0

It might sound weird to you but that's what toddlers do, switch behaviours overnight and that's what's confusing for us moms. You can try the suggestions I posted on the previous link, only changing the awake times cause I think your lo can hold on for more hours, say closer to 5-5.5 hrs. awake time.

HTH and please post back if you need extra info!

[Katet]

I have to agree with Florencia he probably is more than ready to switch to 1 nap & part of the crying is not being tired enough to go to sleep easily. My ds#1 who was VERY late switching to 1 nap did it at 19-20months & I actually had problems with his bedtime & needing to be there when he had 2 nap days.
Also He is at an age for another "blip" of Separation anxiety, if he hasn't had a big one, then now might be the time & if it is then (sorry to say) leaving him to cry for 10mins has probably added to your woes.

If it was me (& it was with my ds#1) I'd be doing the gradual withdrawral method, but also moving to 1 nap.  So starting the first nap at 10/10.30 & then having a 20min Pm nap for a few days & then moving the nap again to around 11 & then by the time you get it to 11.30 drop the 2nd nap & have a slightly earlier bed time, until you can get it into about 5.5 hours (5-6) before & after the nap.  Average total sleep hours for 18mo is 13.5 down to 13 at age 2yo. If he has lasted this long on 2 naps he may be at the high end of sleep needs (depending on the length of night sleep) & so may only do around 5 hours at both ends.

[vickytxs]

Thanks so much to everyone for the advice.
He has not had an afternoon nap all this week, just a morning one for two hours which is his usual. BUT it has had to be with me, the minute i leave the room he starts his 'mamamamama' and holding his arms out. as soon as i get him down in the bed with me, he is fast asleep. so i have kept him up in the afternoon, he looks very tired and acts it around 2pm, his usual time for an afternoon nap but he doesnt seem to want to lie down for a sleep.
Last night we got him to settle after a while but he woke at 10 crying for me again. This is all so stressing for me cause we have never had a problem leaving him alone in his crib for naps or bedtime.
Also, he never has really had a big seperation anxiety issue but the past 2 months he has become very clingy on me and always wants me. so could that be it? i always thought well, if he seems tired in the morning and afternoon, just put him down for a nap, which worked fine until recently. To me, it doesnt seem to be a nap problem but a separation problem. I could be wrong though. I dont put him down if he is not tired. I put him down only when he is very sleepy and starts asking for his 'bubub' (dummy). the moms at my antenatal group all say just to leave him to cry!

[vickytxs]

I have just read the thread. I do agree about changing the nap time to one a day, it seems that is happening. BUT if it is separation anxiety, how do i handle it, just take him to bed with me until he gets over it?? the instructions for wi/wo say not to do it if they are going through it...

[Katet]

I wouldn't take him to bed as you will get into a habit with him learning that is where he sleeps.
But actually talk to him about what is happening (they understand lots at this age) & explain you will stay with him in his room until he goes to sleep, but once he is asleep you will leave, but if he calls for you you will come back. Lean over the side & give him the comfort, but once he is in the cot (after wind down) don't take him out (unless he is sick or dirty etc) but not to comfort.
After a few days of him settling (it may take time) with you in the room try starting to leave as in the Gradual withdrawral method... returning when he gets upset, leaving when he is calm but gradually moving further towards the door.
With SA you need to do things to show them you are there for them, but say having him in your bed with you, will proababy turn into a long term habit you need to break... I have always followed the advice (Tracy suggests it in BW) to be with them rather than them with you... so have had a spare bed/mattress in my son's rooms.
Given your lo is only a month older than my ds#2 who is teething with eye teeth, I can understand as he is wanting more of me at times than usual & today shocked everyone in his swim class as he wasn't his usually very happy do everything child & just clung to me... we ended up leaving early as that was so unusual for him.
I know others are saying leave him to cry, but if you were going through a "tough patch" & your family all said - "oh you'll work it out" & left you to get through it would you like it??? That is why myself & other BW mothers just don't think leaving to cry is a respectful option... we would help other adults through difficult times & children deserve that respect too... who are we to "value" what should be upsetting & not (at least in my opinion) & so need to comfort our child if they need us

[Swirl]

Hi Vickytx,
I have gone thru the EXACT same thing with my 22 mos old. He is an awesome sleeper and has no problem going to sleep on his own. A month ago he got a cold and that was it he needed me and only me. I have a feeling it is also separation anixety. I did the Wi/Wo and its gotten a lot better but every night he still calls my name even right after I was in there. Now I simply whisper at the door "Shhhhh its sleepy time...Mommy is sleeping too!!" and I find it works. He only does this once a night... I find if I actually go into his room he starts crying once I leave... I think he simply needs re-assurance that I am still there. I even re-versed the monitors since I can clearly hear him with out... I whisper in the monitor the same thing and it works!!
GOOD LUCK
Diana

[vickytxs]

Ahh, I feel better! I have tried the monitor whisper thing but doesnt work anymore. we dont have him tonight, he is at grandparents so i can work (thank heaven)!
I agree about not letting him cry, I dont want to be that cruel, but I find that at the end of the day, after dealing with him all day and him not having his usual naps, I am too tired at the end of the day to sit in his room til he falls asleep! If i sit in there, he would go even more nuts, holding him arms out for me to lift him yelling 'mummumum'. it has been since last tuesday this started and has been every night since. i have been so tired i have taken him to bed in the spare room almost every night.
im at my wits end, i hope it passes soon, if not I guess I will have to try and find the energy somewhere to try wi/wo.....

[mollymoocat]

I am going through a very similar thing with my 23 month old daughter.

Up until three weeks ago she had a regular 2 - 2.5 hour nap if we were at home and would go to bed around 7.00pm until 8.00am.  She would wake in the night but usually managed to settle herself.

It seemed to start when I went on a course one weekend and my husband was alone with her.  When he put her down for a nap she would keep crying for me and refused to go down.  Since then she will not go to her cot for a nap and gets hysterical before we even reached her room.  Although we continued to try we didn't force her but she obviously needs it because she is very tired, she would sleep in the car or pram and a couple of time fell asleep on the sofa although not for long.

It has got worse though and tonight she was hysterical when we put her to bed.  She is worse with me, if I try to comfort her she just tries to climb out of her cot pointing at the stairs to go down etc.  She would even be comforted by me holding her unless I take her out of the room.  My husband sits with her until she falls asleep but I know this isn't the answer as this happened about six months ago and she got worse and we had to stay with her everytime she woke up.  I resorted to controlled crying in the end and even though it was very traumatic, after an hour and a half she finally got herself to sleep.  The following night my husband tried it and she only cried for a minute and fell asleep by herself.  She had been great until now.

I don't know what to do now. I feel like I should try the controlled crying again but she seems far more hysterical than the last time and I don't know if I can cope.  We need to sort this out though because we are going on holiday next week with another couple and we have booked a babysitter for a couple of nights but if she is like this it is going to ruin everybodys holiday.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE if anyone can shed some light on it I would be grateful.  We have tried the WI/WO but again it is getting unbearable.  Up until tonight it has just been a problem with naps but she has had a couple of disturbed nights and my husband is the one who has managed to calm her down but only by sitting with her for hours again.

One thing I haven't mentioned is that she has had quite a bad chesty cough which is worse at night so is responsible for some of the disturbance.  She still has the cough. although it doesn't seem as bad, I have taken her to the doctors but he seems to think she just needs to get over it naturally as antibiotics haven't worked in fact it is me who now has the chest infection and the lack of sleep isn't helping me get better.

Her temperament has changed dramatically too.  This is probably due to illness and tiredness, she switches between being very happy to an emotional wreck the slightest thing sets her off on a tantrum.  I can handle the tantrums but the sleep problems are really worrying me.  I will not resort to taking her to my bed or even bringing her downstairs but I wonder if the neighbours are going to report me for child abuse with the noise she makes.  Its not crying, she is screaming 'mummy mummy mummy' all the time.  During the day we have plenty of quality time together and she goes to nursery twice a week (where she never has a tantrum and naps without a problem). 

Sorry to go on, I know this isn't my post.

Janet

[vickytxs]

No problem Janet, we all need to vent! My LO was also pointing to the door and downstairs at first and we took him down but then stopped so he wouldnt think it was playtime. And it started when he had a cold and teething but he is over it now. He napped for about 45 min yesterday in his cot without screaming for me which shocked me but he was still tired when he woke and he usually has 2 hour naps.
So I have been taking him to the spare room to sleep when he wakes crying for me cause I am too tired at midnight or whatever time it is to try to do anything else. The minute he is in the bed with me he stops crying and goes into a nice deep sleep, which means i get sleep too. But Im really worried that its going to go on. My father in law and sister, she has two older boys, seem to think its a massive learning curve he is going through and cant deal with all the information and for some reason, needs a lot of comfort right now. He is learning a lot and is very bright and im sure this whole new world is so exciting for him, he may not be able to handle it. who knows, all we mothers want is sleep!!!
The joys of motherhood.....

[mollymoocat]

Hi Vicky

Thanks for responding so quickly.  I know you are right about learning curves and developmental stages we have to work through.  I have occasionally tried putting her in bed with me but I never get any sleep as she is so restless (using my head as a pillow etc.) or I worry about her falling out of bed.  In the new year we will start thinking about transferring her to a bed because it won't be long before she realises she can climb out of her cot.

I have been through these problems before and it feels like the beginning of a nightmare, it doesn't help when relatives or friends offer their 'valuable advice' when they say things like thats what parenting is all about and how their kids were angels until a certain age and then transformed into little monsters until they grow up, or the ones who say been there, done that  etc. without actually offering any useful advice but instead make us feel inadequate.  We have always managed to overcome these stages though and prove others wrong so hopefully this will be the same.

I suppose we are all tired and under the weather at the moment so we rub each other up the wrong way.  Hopefully the holiday will do us good, we are going to center Parcs which caters for indoor and outdoor activities so hopefully she will have such a good time and all the activity and fresh air will help her get back into a more settled sleep pattern again.

I practice Reiki although rarely have time at the moment but I am going to make a determined effort to practice it on Amber, my husband and myself.  I don't know if you know anything about it but I will keep you updated on my progress and if it works and your interested I can send distant healing for you and yours too, it works on mental, emotional and physical problems.  I just need to practice what I preach.   I am going to have an early night tonight and keep my fingers crossed that she won't wake up.  Tomorrow will look so much brighter I'm sure.

[vickytxs]

I would welcome anything at this point if it could help!! Thanks!!

[M2W]

A really great (EASY READ) book (or series of books) to read is "Your One Year Old" it disusses various phases of development, what to expect, various ways to handle various situations, etc...just a nice set of books to read so you know what to be ready for when. Helps to know that tantrums are coming, approx when to expect them (age wise), what and how to handle them, etc... When lack of sleep might happen, various triggers for what...things us parents are not really thinking about. 

Here is a link to the book I'm referring to:
http://product.half.ebay.com/Your-One-Year-Old_W0QQtgZinfoQQprZ710328

You can also find "Your Two Year Old" "Your Three Year Old" etc...up to age 14

I like to read these roughly aroud his birthday so I know what the next year has in store for our house hold.