Lifegiver..big big Hugs to you. I could almost have written this post myself two years ago. My dd developed Jaundice at birth due to lack of feeding well and continually began loosing weight. I had soo many problems with DH because we both had our best interest at heart (realized after marriage therapy..yes that's how bad it got with us). Once the doctor told me by her 8 week check up that she wasn't gaining weight I really had a wake up call and give up my desire to BF in order to get my dd up to speed with her weight. It was not an easy decision AT ALL. During those first 2 months of her life I suffered a lot because I felt like an inadequate mom for not providing for my dd. After all, aren't we meant to be able to BF? That's what I would say to myself, but the truth is that you, me, and every other mom who has gone through this frustrating, difficult time, know that we have done EVERYTHING to make it work. However, it has to come to a point where we must make the best decision for our baby. Most importantly to be able to enjoy being a mom. Sometimes no matter how much we try, it's not us, but the baby who for some reason (poor latch, impatient feeder, etc.) won't work with us...and that's OK. I had decided to make sure my dd fed better, I pumped exclusively every 2 hours, took Fenugreek, and most important tried to get a lot of rest and RELAX. I was able to pump up to 28-30 oz a day after about a month of working on exclusively pumping with an electric double pump. Whenever I didn't have enough BM, I supplemented with formula. In the end it didn't turn out so bad, my dd slept better because she was well fed, and I only supplemented about 1- 2 bottles of formula a day until she was 8 months when I stopped pumping. Now don't get me wrong, pumping was a lot of work and commitment, but it felt good having that option to provide my dd with as much BM as I could. Now she is 27 mos. and such a healthy, strong girl, and I want to say it is due to all the sacrifice I made to provide her with as much BM as I could, for as long as I could. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have stressed so much and enjoyed my dd for those first 2 months. It took some therapy and a year for me to be able to look at her newborn pictures without crying, because I felt guilt, shame, and selfish for not enjoying her when she was born because of the problems with BF. Now I realize it's all part of learning and I did nothing wrong to harm her, so I'm ok now. I'm expecting my second and I know there might be challenges, but I won't stress it because thank God to pumping if latching doesn't work, because I plan to enjoy her without regrets this time around. You are a GREAT MOM, don't doubt yourself in your decision, enjoy her and trust me she will be fine. Hugs to you honey, I know exactly what you're going through. Motherhood is challenging and like everything else, this too shall pass
