Touchy 2 yr old resisting big boy bed bigtime!

[aubrey]

My son is 26 mo old and has always been a bit of a Touchy child, especially when it comes to change.  It took me 2 weeks once to get him to wear shoes and about a month to switch from pull-ups to underwear.  So I knew when it came to switching to a big boy bed, it would be tough, but not this tough!  I'm 7 months pregnant and panicking and starting to lose my mind.

Two weeks ago, we moved my son to a new room and a toddler bed.  I tried to prepare him as much as I could for this and he helped set up the new room, the new bed - we have the same mattress, sheets, bedtime routine, etc.  The first two nights were fine, but it has progressively been going worse.  I think he's napped 2 or 3 times in the two weeks and it's taking him 1 1/2 to 2 hours to fall asleep at night - most of the time when I go in to check on him at night, he's fallen asleep on the floor : )  He can't open his door.  I'm pretty sure he still needs a nap because without it, he's been a holy terror starting at about 4 o'clock until bedtime (7).

Here's what I've tried.  I would love suggestions and support, especially from anyone who's child hates change as much as mine does.  What worked for you and how long did it take?

I've pushed his naptime/bedtime up 1/2 an hour and back a 1/2 hour.  He either doesn't seem remotely tired, or he's overtired and everything's worse.
I've done WI/WO.  Maybe I need to give this more of a try, but it seems like he thinks this is a game.  I can't even get out the door before he's already off his bed.
I've tried sitting on the bed reading to him and trying to help him wind down.  A couple of times he almost went out, but then as soon as I made to leave, he was hyper.  He also tends to kick and push me when I do this - I think he also thinks this is a game.
I've tried just closing the door and leaving him be.  This is somewhat nice for me because I get a bit of a break, but in the end, he doesn't nap, is grumpy or he plays for 2 hours before falling asleep at night.

The worst thing is, he was such a great independent sleeper in his crib, so I'm especially frustrated.  Please help!

[becky1969]

You're scaring me because I also have a touchy child who does not like change! We're still in a crib, and boy do I dread the BBB!

Hopefully mamas who have been there/done that will help you.  I'm just going to address the sleeping bit, ok?

Obviously, he's OT at this point so that is just making the adjustment to the bed harder.  I think a lot of what you're seeing now isn't a problem adjusting to the bed so much as being totally off his sleep now from the initial lack of adjustment so that sleep is really hard for him.

Touchy kids also tend to be very emotionally savvy, and can read us like a book.  I am a chronic headache sufferer, and my son ALWAYS knows when I have a h/a, even when I try to act normal.  So I suspect your son is reading your anxiety about this (and rightly place anxiety!) and it is contributing to his acting up.

I think I'd try a GW technique -- going very slow, with you staying by his side until he falls asleep for the first 3 days.  But I'm wondering if there's any chance your DH could do the GW instead of you? At least at bedtime?  That might help take some of the tension out of the moment.  If that's not possible, then tell yourself that 2 weeks of consistent behavior changes most sleep problems, and so that gives you plenty of time before the baby gets here.  If you can take some of the time pressure out of it, I think it will help you feel calmer and then it will help your son feel calmer. 

Imagine him in his situation: he knows a baby is coming (its probably pretty obvious by now!  ), but he has NO idea what that means in terms of his life.  He's also in a new bed.  So, those are 2 pretty big changes looming on his horizon and it's probably just making him anxious.  I think if we can use GW to make him feel calm and secure in his room/bed, then that will help.  You might also try a homeopathic remedy like Calms Forte -- Hylands makes it for children, and it is supposed to calm a child and allow them to sleep.  Perhaps if you can give that to him it will calm his anxiety a bit and help him relax enough to sleep. 

Once you get a good night or two in him, then those naps will start taking care of themselves.  I think right now he is just so OT.  I want you to use GW with naps too.  That means twice a day for 3 days you are going to sit next to his bed until he falls asleep.  But I want you to sit quietly there, and not interact.  Lights should be out.  Tell your son ahead of time that you will sit there, but that you need to rest too so you won't be talking to him.

I have a touchy kid, so I know how wound up they can get over change!  Let's just give him a few calm days where he has you, and maybe a little naturpathic help to boost your success.

[becky1969]

I'm also giving you a link to the sticky for BB transitions: http://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=113115.0

You might find something there that helps you!

[aubrey]

Thank you so much for the suggestions and encouragement!  You're right - my son has always been really tuned in to my emotions and moods and I didn't even think about my anxiety rubbing off on him!

Yesterday during naptime I did WI/WO for 3 hours before he fell asleep (I did take a 45 min break to eat and go to the bathroom : ).  But he did nap for an hour.  Then bedtime actually went quite a bit better.  I only did WI/WO a few times.  Every time I left the room he'd start calling, "Mommy, where are you?"  I would wait a while and go back in.  Finally he said, "Mommy, sit."  So I told him I would sit by his door as long as he stayed in his bed.  And he did!  When he finally rolled over on his tummy (the sleep position for him) I left the room.  It still took him quite a while to actually fall asleep  - I think part of that was that he saw me hovering at his door a couple of times - oops, but he did stay in his bed and was relatively calm.

So, this all happened before I saw your reply, but I think you're absolutely right about using GW.  I think bedtime went so much better than naptime.  I will also look for those Hyland tablets - I friend of mine actually told me about those the other day too.

Unfortunately, dh isn't around a lot due to work, but when he is, I will have him do this instead of me.  I will just make up my mind to suck it up and ride the roller coaster and like you said, it's bound to get better, right?

Thank you again - every time I feel like I'm losing my mind, I come to the BW boards and I end up feeling so much better.  I'll let you know how today goes.

[aubrey]

Okay - naptime went far better just now.  It only took an hour as opposed to three like yesterday.  I actually put him down an hour earlier than usual because he was acting so tired and grumpy, probably because it took so long to go to sleep last night.  For future reference, do you think I should do that again or just stick to our normal routine?

Anyways, for the first 10 min or so, he bounced around on his bed while I sat by the door.  I decided not to make an issue out of the fact that he wasn't laying down because at least he was in bed.  Then the fun started, because he did start sliding and rolling out of bed - he thought it was great fun.  I sat closer to the bed and kept putting him back in everytime he got out.  I didn't make eye contact or say anything even though I just about lost it a 100 times and really wanted to bark "Go to sleep!:)"  That went on for about 45 min.  Then the crying started, apparently this wasn't fun anymore.  I stroked his face a little to calm him down and the eyelids started to droop and about 10 min later he was asleep.  Hooray!  Here's hoping bedtime goes better too.

As for putting his crib in the room too, I wish I would have thought of/tried that to begin with because he has asked and cried for his crib a couple times.  So I might try that if things don't continue to improve like they did today.  I will definitely keep that in mind when the time comes to do this with #2.

[becky1969]

Aubrey -- hold off on the crib because I think you might be turning a corner.  It sounds like you're definitely making progress! Yes, continue with early nap/early bedtime because he's OT right now.  I think if you can get some decent naps/later morning wakings then the falling asleep time will become normal very quickly.

Good for you!

[mari]

I kept the cot in the room and she stayed in it, but the bed was there for when she was ready.  It took a while but I wasn't prepared to undo the hard work of sleep training by moving her to a bed before she was ready.  Eventually she did it, sort of talked her into becoming a big girl adn cots are for baby's etc.  But she did it when she was ready and that is what she is like, you can't push some kids!

[aubrey]

Bedtime went even better than nap time - we're definitely making progress!  I only had to put him back in bed three times.  It still took him a little over an hour to fall asleep, but he was laying down most of the time, playing with his hands and jabbering to himself.  I think he's having a hard time turning his brain off and settling down.

Out of curiosity, after doing GW for 3 days, do I go to WI/WO?

[aubrey]

Hallelujah!  Nap time took 5 min today!  If anyone else is going through something similar - don't give up!  It's so awful at first but it does get better!

[mari]

Well done.  If you are able to leave the room during GW then I think it is time to do walk in walk out.  At first I couldn't leave the room and edged further and further towards the door every night.  Then I stayed by the door until she fell asleep, then I started to leave the room and that was when I began WIWO.

[aubrey]

Okay, today I'm going to start sitting farther away and making my way to the door.  I think I could probably do WI/WO during naptime, but I'll still have to be in the room for bedtime.  It is still taking him at least an hour to fall asleep at night.  I already moved his bedtime up half an hour, but I think I'm going to try for 1 hour earlier tonight (6 p.m.) to see if that helps.  He still gets fussy about going to bed, but he's doing better about staying in bed.

[mari]

Good luck, let us know how you are doing. 

[aubrey]

The past two days have been difficult.  I'm not sure why the setback, but naptime the last two days took over an hour and he kept getting out of his bed.  Today, naptime went better (only took 10 min) and I was able to sit farther away from him.  But I'm feeling frustrated about bedtime.  Despite moving his bedtime to 6 and having a long wind-down, he is still taking at the very least, 1 hour to fall asleep.  If I stay in the room, he stays in his bed, but if I try and leave, even for a few minutes, he's out of bed right after I walk out the door.  It doesn't seem to matter how tired and relaxed he is before bedtime, the minute his head touches his bed, he's all play.  He'll mostly stay laying down, but he's playing with his hands, sticking every imaginable body part in between the slats on the bedrail, playing with his blanket, kicking his feet against the wall, etc.  Sometimes, if I rub his face or arm, he'll finally fall asleep, but I'm afraid to do that too often and become his prop. 

I just read some other posts about other toddlers taking a while to fall asleep, and I think my son has probably always taken a while to fall asleep, I just didn't notice/care because he was happy and caged in his crib    So my question is, do I keep waiting in his room while he falls asleep at night?  Do you think he will eventually just stay in his bed until he falls asleep or do I need to start doing something different?  I don't know if these questions even make sense... I guess I'm just wondering when this will end

[becky1969]

Nope -- I think if your son is happy and not crying when you leave the room, then skadaddle! So what if it takes an hour to fall asleep? That's why we're putting him to bed extra early! He can play all he wants and *still* will fall asleep before he completely misses his sleep window.  I have a feeling the novelty will wear off eventually and you'll see him able to settle down in bed more.  Did you try giving him a flashlight to read in bed with? That might be fun enough to keep the play centered on the bed so that when he *does* fall asleep he does so in the bed and not on the floor while playing! 

This is just all part of growing up.  Reminds me of our transition from swaddle to no-swaddle.  The first couple of days of no-swaddle I would try to physically hold his arms down so that he'd go to sleep!    I just wasn't used to a child with free arms and thought they'd keep him distracted so he wouldn't fall asleep.  And they did to a certain extent, but he eventually grew used to having free arms and was able to self-soothe using them, so it was win-win!  I think your son is going to also have to find ways to soothe while in the big boy bed, despite all the new and fun distractions!

Long and short: go ahead and leave as long as son is happy. If he all out cries, do WI/WO.  But if he's just playing let him be.  I guess 2 hours of playing may be excessive, but why don't you experiment a bit and see what he does without you intervening or checking on him.

Congrats mom on making this transition thus far!  I think you guys have come very far!

[aubrey]

Thanks for the reply, Becky.  I think it will help my sanity greatly to just leave the room at night if he's happy.  I find myself just getting more and more peeved as I sit there for an hour plus watching him play in bed!

My next question then is, what do you think about nap time?  He has never eventually fallen asleep for a nap if I leave the room, he just ends up skipping it all together.  I just spent an hour in his room just now with no success and finally had to leave to go to the bathroom and lay down for a minute.  Do you think I should just do regular wind-down, put him in the bed and then let him have "quiet time" for an hour and a half or so?  He'll be grouchy come afternoon, but maybe I should just put him down early for bed and things will even out eventually?

What do you think?