7 month old with separation anxiety? Will it ever end?

[essexlemon]

Ok, the problem (I think) is that my DS doesn't trust me not to leave him after we stayed with my mum so she could help with the nights.  But it's all got a bit complicated so here's the full story...

My LO has basically never slept.  He started sleeping through till 5am (from 9pm) at about 4 months with him waking at around 3am for his dummy to be put back in then, after about a fortnight of me feeling quite pleased with myself, he suddenly stopped and started waking at 3am without fail.  I made the mistake of feeding him back to sleep (but that's another story - I eventually weaned him off that feed and he started settling with his dummy again.  He gradually built up from one NW to around 3 per night.

I discovered 'The Baby Whisperer Solves All...' when he was about 5 months old and started to implement EASY.  I haven't used PU/PD as he would nap in his buggy if I got the timing just right (and I admit that if I didn't a tiny bit of rocking would ease him off).  I wasn't feeding to sleep at the time - he would scream when I laid him down, I would put the hairdrier on and he would instantly calm down and play with his lovey until he went to sleep then we turned the hairdrier off about an hour later (we later made a CD of the noise and this worked almost as well).  At some point, and I can't quite work out how it happened, I started feeding to sleep just on the odd night but on the nights that he didn't fall asleep at the breast he had no trouble going off to sleep as long as the door was open and he went to sleep to the hairdrier - we even had a couple of full nights 7.30pm to 7am (with a 10.30 dream feed).

Then at about 6 months he stopped napping and I ended up marching up and down the garden with his buggy to get him to sleep and then to get him back to sleep when he woke up.  I tried using the hairdrier sound but it stopped working overnight (sometimes it helps a little, but sometimes it now makes him cry).  I tried Bonjela and Anbesol as I suspected teething but nothing seemed to help.

My husband suspected that he was unsettling him when he gave him the dream feed as he was peaceful before but then started thrashing around after the feed, so we switched to a Dr Brown anti-collic bottle, and then gave up altogether on the dream feed about four weeks ago.  It didn't seem to make any difference to his sleep except that he wanted to get up about half hour earlier although he didn't seem to be hungry, he would wait quite happily until 7am for his feed and most days he would quiet down and relax in his cot if I used the hairdrier sound.

We've just come back from my mum's house (she lives about 3 hours away) as I went to stay with her for 2 weeks so she could help me out with him (my DH works long hours and suffers with pernicious anaemia so he is too knackered to do the nights and sleeps a lot of the days at the weekend).  He was fine up until my DH left (or rather he went off ok at bedtime but we still had 6 night wakings) and all I had to do was replug with his dummy and turn on his CD each time he woke.

The following night though he screamed when I laid him down, even though I hadn't left the room, and the CD didn't help.  Shh-pat has never worked for him but I tried it anyway and it still didn't work.  Wierdly, my mum took over and he calmed down when she did it and went off to sleep after about 10 minutes.  We also tried using Calpol (paracetamol) after the second NW as we all suspected teething was the problem and this helped him a little.

The following night we had the same, and I resorted to feeding him to sleep and did that every night for the rest of the stay.

My mum told me to close my door the following night and that she would get up to him, which she did.  But now, instead of just having to replug and use the CD (and painkiller) she ended up having to walk the floor with him to calm him down and then patted him back to sleep.

The next day his teeth came through and we all congratulated ourselves and looked forward to having a better night but it all continued the same.

A couple of nights later I was ill and my dad put him to bed with a bottle while my mum looked after me.  He slept through till 5am.  The following night my mum and dad were away I fed him myself (at the breast) and he went through with just one NW but the following night (with Grandma) he had 2 night wakings for an hour each.

Now that we are home he still won't go to sleep to his CD anymore, and he woke every hour and had to be cuddled to sleep.  My DH eventually got up with him at 4am and sat downstairs.  He didn't want a feed until 7.

My dad is convinced that I should just give him a bottle but I don't think that's going to work as it didn't help when he had a bottle dream feed. 

I think that the original problem was that he was teething, but that although he loves his Grandma (even more than his mummy!) it unsettled him that she was looking after him in the night for such a long time and that now we have a separation issue.

Sorry to be soooooo longwinded.  I've just realised how long this is but I'm too knackered to edit.  Can anyone help.  What can I do to build back the trust.  I feel so guilty but I was just so desparate for some sleep and I thought I was doing the right thing by not resorting to CIO (don't worry - I know that that would cause MEGA problems, especially if he already has SA).

Please help us.  Am I ever going to sleep again?

[*Jo*]

Hi there, sorry to hear things have got so messed up for you!

from what i can see from your post, i dont think he has lost trust in you at all, i think what has happened is that there has been quite alot of accidental parenting going on and no independant sleep training (which you cant do with a teething baby anyway) and now that you are home you really ahve to put in the hard work.

I know you have said that Shh/pat doesnt work, have you tried modifying it? for example, Caleb hated Sshh/pat so instead we would just pat the mattress next to his head, this worked for us and for him. you have to be consistant though, this is where i think you ahve run into trouble, not being consistant so now nothing works because he is confused, he doesnt know how to fall asleep by himself.

I cant remember how old is he? are you able to put up your routine in EASY format for us to have a look at? sometimes tweaking the day sleep can help with the night sleep

[essexlemon]

Thanks for your reply.

He's 7-and-a-half months.

His EASY routine when I posted was slightly different as I found from some of the other posts in the sleep forum as I found after a chaotic morning that laying him down slightly later seemed to work better.

7am           up and change bum
7.10           ish One boob then breakfast (usually oats) then other boob
9.30           nap (in pram - now able to put him in front of patio doors rather than in the garden) used to be 9.00  I try to clean his teeth, give him a wash and change his bum right before this one to give him the idea - sometimes it works but sometimes not.
11.00         wake up and lunch then one boob
1.30/2pm    afternoon nap is a problem - he'll only go down if we are moving so I usually go out for a walk or  grocery shopping with him in his buggy and let him doze off when he's ready - usually around 1.30/2.00 ish.  He usually only does an hour and is always awake by 3
3.00          both boobs
5.00           tea (usually fruit - I read somewhere not to give high protein food at this time of day as it releases a chemical in your brain to keep you alert)
6.30         bath then massage (although the last few weeks he hasn't let me do the massage - I think his bum cheeks were hurting when I do his legs as he has a mild nappy rash at the mo)
7 ish        both boobs
7.20/7.30  bed

I think the main problem was that my husband actually got up the first time he woke on our first night back.  This never usually happens so I reckon on the back of everything else it disturbed him.  After a couple of nights I was back to just replugging his dummy but having to do that 6 or 7 times a night.

A day or so after I posted he started shoving anything and everything in his mouth and really screaming so I started him on Calpol paracetamol which helped a bit but the past few nights I've tried giving him Ibuprofen about an hour before bathtime and presto, we've had three full nights sleep.  Last night I didn't give him any as he seemed pretty cheerful at 6 and we experimented with putting him to bed earlier instead.  He woke in pain at about 5am but went back to sleep fine until 7.30 (without him as my human alarm clock I overslept) after some Bonjela and (when that didn't help) a dose of Ibuprofen and me giving him a quick tummy rub in case it was wind (it's hard to tell with him - he sometimes draws his legs up and I think it's his tum but after a rub of Bonjela he cheers up).  I've also switched from Infacol to Dentinox as a friend had a reflux baby and she found this helped her son more (I suspect he is reflux but the HV and doctor have both been fairly pointless).

I think that the whole nighttime problem must be down to his teething - I just panicked because he's never been so clingy at night before.

I'm still feeding him to sleep at the moment.  I thought as he is sleeping through at the moment that I would address this problem once he stops teething (which I know is just an excuse to keep doing it for now).

I am now having trouble with his daytime naps though.  Should I post on the naps board or continue here.

Briefly, I gave him Calpol before one of his naps as he was really distressed and biting hard.  Since then I've found that he will only go down for his morning nap with a shot of Calpol even when he doesn't seem to be in obvious pain.  Is this turning into a prop or could he just have a dull ache that's preventing him from sleeping?  I don't think he's UT as he gets grumpy and holds his toys up close and sometimes will rub his nose.

Thanks