I really can't take any more, please can anyone help?

[pinkjen]

I've posted previously about my 11 month olds NWs, but really the problem is much more than just that.

Since birth he coslept with me and fed throughout the night, the only way to get him to nap was to feed him on my lap until he fell asleep (I was then stuck there until he awoke). At 9 months we tried Tracy's PU/PD technique to get him to sleep in his cot at night and for naps with some success. However we're now 2 months down the line and we still haven't had a full nights sleep and have problems that I need some help with.
1. We are held hostage in his room until he falls to sleep, if we leave before he's asleep he cries and wont settle.
2. He still wakes through the night and has to be settled back to sleep, this can sometimes take an hour.
3. He wakes at 5 or earlier every day and it's a struggle to get him to sleep any longer, we normally end up getting up at 5.30am.
4. Whenever he wakes, be it at night, in the morning or 30 mins into a nap, he wakes up sobbing/screaming until we go in and settle him or get him up.

His routine is
5:30 - 6 am - get up & breastfeed
6:30 - 7am - Breakfast
8:30am -9:00/9:30am - nap with BF upon waking
12:00-1:00 - lunch
2:00/2:30 - 3:00/3:30 - nap
5:00/5:30 - tea
7:00  7:30  Bath, BF, story & Bed

We generally have 2 - 3 night wakings at various times but normally there is one around 4am. We only go to him once we know he's not going to self settle (he very rarely does this).
He normally wakes around midnight, 2/3ish and between 4 & 5. Other than the 4 & 5 waking the times can vary. But once he wakes at 4 ish it's then a battle until 5:30 to get any more sleep out of him.

When he wakes we normally go into him, once we've established that it's not just mantra crying. He's normally stood up in his cot so we lay him down. Sometimes that's all it takes and he'll cry a bit and burrow and then go asleep, other times we can be in there for an hour laying him back down each time he stands or sits up.

His naps can vary from 30 mins to 1hour 30 but 30 mins has come to be the norm over the last few days.

He sometimes goes straight to sleep after a bit of burrowing (but not often), normally he romps a bit in his cot when he first gets put in it, followed by a bit of moaning and or screaming when I try to lay him down and finally sleep, but this can sometimes take up to 40 mins.

We've hit a crunch point and my husband has had enough and is constantly threatening to leave, when he's not just screaming at me and blaming me for the way our baby is. I just don't know where to go from here, I feel like I've tried everything I can and it's just not working. I'm having panic attacks constantly especially when he's asleep as I'm in fear of him waking up and screaming. I've lost way to much weight and now look anorexic, my hair is coming out in clumps every time I touch it.

All in all I really need some help!! 
 

[bubbabear1]

I really dont have any advice as I am having similar problems with my 10 month old DD.  Just sending you some hugs to let you know you are not alone. You need to look after yourself too remember, or you will be no use to anyone.  I think your husband needs to be a little more supportive - it's hard for everyone and it's no-ones 'fault' for how your baby is behaving.  Have you considered taking your LO to a Cranial Osteopath to check that everything is ok?  It's just an idea.  I hope you get some good advice form the ladies here as I always do - fingers crossed things start to improve soon.

Take care,

Siobhan
xx

[anna*]

(((((many hugs)))))

I must confess, I feel angry with your husband right now  . You deserve his support, not threats to leave.

But that aside, let's look at how we can help with your baby.

First of all I think he is overtired. Is there anything you can do to help him to sleep longer? For example, will he sleep in the car? A couple of days spent catching up on sleep will be well spent. Perhaps putting him down for his morning nap a bit earlier would help? If his morning nap is short, then try bringing his afternoon nap earlier as well so he is awake max 3 hrs. And, if he only as 2 x 30 mins naps all day and was awake from 5am, you will need to have him asleep for the night by 5pm latest. Yes he may well wake early next day, but if he does so after 12 hours sleep instead of 10 hours, that will be a positive foundation for tomorrow.

I agree with PP that a trip to the Dr and/or alternative practitioner to check that he is well would be time well spent. I know that cranial osteopathy can really help with bad sleepers.

As for settling him, at bedtime and for night wakings, I think you can now try Walk In Walk Out. That will put an end to being held hostage (I have been there and I know how frustrating/infuriating it is). What you do is walk in, lay him down with your key sleep phrase, walk out. Yes he will be screaming. When you are outside his room, you start counting up to around 20-30 seconds (you will need to judge this based on his personality). If he stops crying even for a second, stop counting, then start counting again when he starts crying again. When he has been crying constantly for 30 seconds, repeat the walk in walk out. There is a lot of crying with this method but it will teach him to settle himself without you in the room. The lesson it teaches is 'I can settle myself on my own, but if I am crying mummy will always come back.'

It will take a few nights for him to get the hang of it, but I feel like if you can do this method along with concentrating on early bedtimes and longer naps, the nights will quickly start to get better for you.

I hope something here is helpful, let me know what you think.

[pinkjen]

I think you're probably right and he's o/t. He's never slept well and the longest stretch of sleep he's ever had is 9 hours in a night. I've just tried the walk in/walk out method with him on his pm nap and I'm amazed that he went to sleep!! It took 20 mins and I only went in once, only problem is that that lay down was the one that put him to sleep. Still, it's the 1st time he's ever gone to sleep without me or his dad in the room. I don't think it will always be that easy though!

I'll try your other suggestions too, I'll bring his bedtime forward a bit tonight and from now on and see how that works out.

Thanks for your help. x

[anna*]

That is brilliant!

When they get to this age, sometimes your presence in the room can just become a distraction. Like they will fight sleep because they know that once they fall asleep you're going to leave the room.

Stay with it, and keep posting let us know how you get on.

[<Catherine>]

I really feel for you. I've had problems with daytime naps and night but not as bad as you are having and with help from people on here it's all being sorted now. I've also had some rough patches with my husband but sounds like you are having a hell of a time. Try everything that is suggested to you here because its all working really well for me (I was convinced it wouldn't!). You need to get yourself sorted too, I think that needs to be a priority, you will be no use to your son if you let yourself get weaker and weaker.
Talk to people on here, share your problems, Im a great believer in 'a problem shared...'. I can't really offer much advise other than to say I feel for you and am thinking of you, and really hope things get better for you. xxx

[anna*]

Yes, totally agree with PP. I'd get yourself to talk to a Dr too, about what you can do to start feeling better in yourself too.

[pinkjen]

Thanks everyone for your words of support.

i'm afraid I just failed at the first hurdle though, he woke up after 15 mins crying, so i did WI/WO but his screaming just went on and on so i stayed in the room in the end and he went to sleep. Who knows how long this nap will last though. I guess he's got to get use to the new way as well as me.

Who knew it would be this hard!!

[anna*]

It's definitely hard work. When you do WIWO I would definitely keep at it. If you're trying to extend a nap I would go for 20 mins and then abandon the nap and do a drastically reduced next A time.

If you're feeling really low yourself, maybe you could pop a post up on the PPD board or on The Couch. You'll get so much great support and advice for things you can do to look after yourself too.

[becky1969]

I agree with baby picking up on DH's stress.  Men are horrible at infancy! They get super stressed out when a baby cries.  My DH recently admitted to me how he hated taking DS out when he was a baby because he was so scared that Owen would start crying and then DH wouldn't know what to do.  They feel ill-equipped for babyhood and that makes them feel scared, which in men comes out as anger.  All that anger you're seeing? that's your DH being afraid.  He just doesn't know how to name his emotions very well 'cuz he's a guy!  So treat him as if he's afraid, and you might really see that anger dissipate.

I would absolutely suggest you take over the NWs for a bit.  I think you'll see them slowly disappear.  DS is picking up on DH's anxiety and it's freaking him out.  quick example: I suffer from chronic migraines.  My son from INFANCY could tell when I had a migraine, even when my DH couldn't! If I tried to put him back to sleep while having a migraine we'd be up for 2hours because he could simply tell something was wrong.  If you think about it, babies need to ahve fantastic emotional radar -- it helps them to survive!  So, give you DH a week off and I'd be willing to bet after a week you'll see those NWs go down or disappear.  Once LO is sleeping better at night, that daytime sleep will fall into place as well. 

[pinkjen]

Well last night went ok-ish. He went to sleep with minimal WI/WO, he woke at 12:30 and then settled quite quickly with WI/WO and then we got to 4:45am, that's when it went bad. DH got up and started WI/WO but he just wouldn't settle well, the DH started getting angry and refused to let me take over until 5:50. I eventually got DS to sleep but only for 10 mins and so ended up getting him up at 6:10 (which is still later than his normal get up time).

He's now down for his am nap and has gone down quite well, only problem is we live opposite a school and the parents and kids are noisy at this time of day, i just hope he sleeps through it!

[2sweetpeas]

I just read your message and sympathise with you totally.. my LO is 9  1/2  months and since I stopped BF at 19 weeks, he sometime wakes up to 20 times a night, often inconsolable. I have now returned to work and am exhausted. DH deals with our other son at night (3 1/2 still wakes up) and so he has decided that I have the responsibility to look after the baby at night. According to him the baby cannot settle with him, so there is no point. Even when I ask DH for help in the night he gives me a look and turns over the other way. So I sit there crying with he baby...

I have in the past few days had some success with PU/PU and are still working on it (my recent post).
LO has also:

Started reflux meds
started on a hypoallergenic milk formula
Got homeopathic remedy (phos and chamomilla)
Got cranial osteopathic treatment

Something is working as he is generally much much happier in the day and sleep at night has gone from waking every half and hour to having blocks of three to five hours which is just unbelievable for us.

If you need to chat, we can share

xxx

[anna*]

I wonder if you could talk to DH (NOT in the middle of the night when baby is awake) and agree that he will wear earplugs and just trust you to deal with the night wakings? Him getting angry is not going to help anyone, least of all help his son to settle.

But that aside, it sounds like last night went really well! How was his day yesterday nap-wise? Definitely agree with Jane that white noise is a godsend if you live somewhere noisy (or if your kid is a light sleeper)

[Jamers]

Just sending you lots of hugs and best wishes.  I'm suffering with my 10 month old but nothing compared to you.  Your story reminds me of what it was like with my 4 year old when he was a baby.  It's really hard for all concerned.  I've asked for help with my 10 month old as I don't want it to get to where I was and how I was feeling 4 years ago.  One of the posts mentioned a cranial osteopath.  I totally recommend them.  Both my boys went to one.

I really hope you get some sleep soon.

[pinkjen]

Well last night went quite well, DS went down at 6:30 and was asleep within minutes. He woke up again at 7:30 but settled back down with a little WI/WO he then slept until 4:30, took a bit of time to settle again and woke up at 5:30 which is when we got him up. Just need to work on that now though.

Yesterdays naps went a bit better, his am nap was 30 mins, I tried WI/WO after that but he was having none of it. His pm nap was similar but just when i was about to abandon the nap after 20 mins of WI/WO he went to sleep for another 40 mins!!!

I can feel some of the depression and stress lifting as I can see some improvements, I know there's still some way to go but thank you so much to everyone who has posted for all of your help so far. x