MSPI, new job, and guilt.....

[~*Nicole*~]

I am finding myself in a mix of emotions right now. The reason is because I was offered a job which I NEED to take financially.

Background is:

When DD was born, I went back to work when she was just shy of 2.5 months. I BF in the morning, pumped midday, BF in the late afternoon after work and then before BT. My mom gave her bottles during the day. This went well for about a month or so, then she started crying, arching her back and refusing to nurse on one side, then refusing to nurse unless I laid down and about a week or two later (it's all a blur now), I had given up trying to BF and work full time. I used what I had left from pumped milk and mixed with formula until it was all formula and stopped pumping and nursing. She was between 3 and 4 months old at the time.

When I was pregnant with DS I was not working and hadn't had any job prospects. I also really wanted to BF for longer overall. Mostly b/c I knew it was the healthiest and most affordable way to care for my baby. I really had my heart and mind set on a better BFing relationship and hoped to actually feel that "bond" that most women feel. I never really had that with BFing DD. It was a way to nourish my baby, nothing more, nothing less. I always wished it had been more for me but it wasn't.

Anyway...so DS is born and turns out he had reflux and MSPI. I am on a dairy/soy free diet at the moment to continue nursing him. Our last ped. appt. was his 4 month this past Monday. He only gained 1 lb. in the last two months. I KNOW others have gained far less or even lost but he had been gaining much more rapidly and he is a silent refluxer so not much of a spitter so I was concerned as he fell off of his curve. They are having us go back in a month to check his weight. She told me to intro. rice cereal which didn't sit right with me and I've held off for the moment.

I feel like I have supply issues now (maybe that is also why DD had a hard time nursing around the same age/time frame???), keeping up the diet is hard, and now with this job offer (which is great but I have to figure out who is watching my kids and when while I am working--stress!)....well let's just say that I am not feeling the BFing bond.

I think I want to just switch to formula, but I don't really know. I think keeping up the diet and trying to boost my supply while carting the kids to and from care, planning lessons for work and just everything is going to be too much. At the same time, I can NOT stop feeling guilty that I am not doing enough for my baby. I know I probably couldn't pump at this job. I mean, they'd let me, but I'd not feel comfortable. I'd already have to do both BM and formula and try to nurse morning and night and offer formula through the days. It makes sense to just switch....but....

Can someone just tell me it's OKAY?

[Erin M]

Nicole, I'll be back later to write more, but wanted to offer some hugs and yes, it is ok.

[Riley&Avery'sMommy]

Of course it is Nicole! You have done a great job already. You need to do whatever is the least stressful with all of these factors on your plate. I know it's a tough decision but YOU know what is best for yourself & your family.

[Shiv52]

Hugs Nicole xx

It's absolutely ok. No two ways about it. Have a silly teething baby stirring so I'll be back xx

[Erin M]

Nicole, I went back to work when dd2 was 9 months old and it was a brand new teaching job.  She was still nursing full time, but I knew I would never be able to pump at work either - it's really hard not knowing when/if you'll have a break to do it and worrying about storing milk, etc.  We continued nursing when I was home but I was so close to a year at that point that made it easier.  If you can do it, great, but if it's going to cause you even more stress (and probably effect your supply because of the stress) I'd make the switch to formula and not worry about it.  You've done so much for him already and made it so far, pat yourself on the back and move on.  ((((hugs))))

[Tay]

It's absolutely ok! You have done amazing keeping it up this far. And you only know how the logistics of your job/ house will work out.
I always knew with DD that I could not go back to work still BFng - wasn't going to be able to pump and wasn't garanteed to be at home for the am or BT feeds (would be for one but not necessarily both).
Don't put the extra pressure on yourself, you have done great!
xxx

[Claudiamummy]

Well done you!! You gave both your babies the best start and now you are going to continuing providing for them, this time financially.... What a clever mummy you are!!!

You have done fantastic, now let the guilt go... :-) xxx

[~*Nicole*~]

 Reading these is helping a lot. Little by little the guilt lessening.

[~*Nicole*~]

I am planning to keep BFing until I am actually at work full time (so through next week) since he hasn't had any trouble taking a bottle of either EBM or formula or a mix of the two when needed so far so I shouldn't have trouble with switching him and him going on strike or anything.

If I can't get over the guilt thing totally....do you think it would be possible to BF morning and night and offer formula during the day??? I figure soon enough he'll be starting solids and technically I COULD start him on fruits/veggies if I wanted to now very slowly and/or cereal as the ped. recommended. So when I am working I could do something like:

7-wake/BF
9-fruit or cereal???
11-bottle formula
3-bottle of formula
5:00/5:30-maybe tank up BF??? or veggie or cereal???
7-BF and bed??

Thoughts?

[Shiv52]

YOu could totally do that hun.

I know Shivi did something very similar and managed to stick to 4 BFs a day even when she was working FT.  So she did am, afternoon after work, bedtime and DF.  Her DD was a bit older so your DS would the  bottle while you are at work but I think it would totally doable and supply wise you be ok.  Had you thought of a DF or NF being BFs?

[~*Nicole*~]

Yes I would continue to BF for any NFs if I try this out.

I figure this would make me and DH feel good keeping the BF in. I'd not stress as much b/c I wouldn't have to pump. The ped would be happy b/c I'd start him on some solids and his weight should theoretically pick up then.

I just hope that DS goes for switching back and forth!

[Shiv52]

Stick to a newborn teat for bottles so he doesn't get used to feeding being too easy with the bottle.  And given that it won't be you giving him the bottle hopefully he'll just know he BFs with you?  If he's already doing both hopefully he'll keep it up. 

{{{hugs}}} Not having to pump will make such a difference and take a lot of stress out of it for you.  It will be nice to still have that nursing time though when you get back from work xx

[~*Nicole*~]

Alright. I think this will be my plan and we'll see how it goes.

Thank you

[Shiv52]

 

Obviously post back for support if you need it but do PM Shivi if you have any questions on how she managed it.  I know she'll not mind xx

[okinawamama]

For a million different reasons we FF fed my son, and I cried, stressed and cried some more over the guilt of not BF longer. Now looking back, I don't regret a single drop of formula my little guy had, what I do regret, is the time that I spent worrying and crying over it. It sounds like you have a great plan in place, and you should go on with nothing but total pride in what you've given your little one (and what you'll continue to do). Congrats again on  your job!