3 1/2 yo not wanting DH to put her down at bedtime. Jealousy of NB?

[lidiayy]

Hi.

DD1 is 3y7mo. Since she was a little baby, we taught her to sleep independently, which she does like a champ for naps. For the BT routine, she has her glass of milk, brush her teeth, say night night to mom and dad and goes to her bed. We turn the lights off, and since 1 1/2 yo, I used to stay in her room, quiet, until she falls asleep.

I know that staying in her bedroom is not a good idea (AP)    and I think now things has gone worse. She would rather have me instead of her dad to stay with her in her bedroom. I have post in the past a topic because she wasn't so cuddly with dad, and this improved when I was pregnant, so I was happy to think that when her little sister arrive, she could have the attention from him when I am taking care of her sister.

The problem now is that she's been neglecting dad when I am around. Last tuesday, as he is still on vacation and helping me with the early days of baby arrivals, he and DD1 were out. He took her to the playground, they had ice cream and he spent a very pleasant day with her. The moment she arrived at home and saw me with DD2, she started to be naughty to him.

As DD1 and DD2 bath time and bedtime are overlaping I wish she could go to bed with him so that I can take care of DD2 (feed her, burp, put down) without having to worry about DD1 bedtime becoming late. Last night DD2 took 2 hours to settle and DD1 crashed in the sofa... 

Does anyone have an idea of how I could deal with it? I don't want her to understand that mom is "leaving her behind" or just caring for her sister. Any thoughts?

Thanks

Lidia

 

[Shiv52]

I think that is a fairly normal reaction.   while she is having a lovely time with Daddy it is hard to come back then and realise the baby has had mummy all to herself.  KWIM?

What I used to do was get the girls bathed and ready for bed and then feed the baby and give her to DH so I could do DD1's bedtime.  Would that not work?  You just feed the baby and then let DH do  the burping etc while you get DD1 to bed?

[lidiayy]

Shiv,

Thank you for your reply. I talked to DH about your idea and he is still not comfortable to put DD2 down. He can't read her cues (not that I know, but... )

We talked about him putting DD1 down no matter how much she asked for me.

Last night I was feeding DD2 to put her in bed when DD1 came to DD2's room. I said DD1 to go to sleep with dad so that as soon as I finished with DD2, I would go for her. She refused, started crying and it all ended up with DH telling her off for her behaviour, DD1 sad and myself feeling like a failure as I can't manage two kids at one time.

I am sorry for the vent but to make things worse, last night with DD2 was terrible, so maybe the hormones and sleep deprivation is hitting me atm.

thank you once more.

[Shiv52]

How long would it take though if you were to put her to bed?    I honestly would get DH to just hold her and burp her while you sort DD1 and get her to bed.  Or make DD2's bedtime a bit later. 

She refused, started crying and it all ended up with DH telling her off for her behaviour, DD1 sad and myself feeling like a failure as I can't manage two kids at one time.

I think this isn't worth it.  She is only little herself and her whole world has changed and the last thing you want is for her to feel she has been replaced by the baby.   I would not want her getting so sad before bed.   I would feed the baby and maybe get DH to get DD1 into bed and then just swap.  I imagine by the time he changes and burps the baby and holds her for a bit you'll have DD1 settled.  And it will give DH a chance to get to know DD2 too. 

We talked about him putting DD1 down no matter how much she asked for me.

I would feel a bit uncomfortable with this.  Before the baby came who did bedtime with her?

[lidiayy]

How long would it take though if you were to put her to bed?     

It all depends on her tiredness. She's transitioning from 1 nap/day to none so sometimes if she's super tired it takes 5 mins, but if she napped, then it can take longer. IMO, when she naps, I would only let her do it for 30 mins, but DH is not too strict to those details and doesn't believe this can affect DD1's night sleep.
I'm figuring out that my probl might be DH 

  Before the baby came who did bedtime with her?

I always did bedtime with DD1. I'm sure that's why she wants me, because she's used to it.
DH loves DD1 so much and it breaks his heart to hear her saying that she doesn't want him to put her in bed. 

[Shiv52]

IMO, when she naps, I would only let her do it for 30 mins, but DH is not too strict to those details and doesn't believe this can affect DD1's night sleep.

Oh we have that here.  It got to the stage during the 1-0 that I had to just stop letting my DD1 sleep.  If she even got 20 minutes she was still awake at 10pm.  Nightmare!!!  I honestly think it would be worth talking to DH and agreeing between you that her nap needs to be limited.  Especially if she goes to sleep sp easy on no nap days it could mean you could do bedtime if needed. 

Quote from: Shiv52 on Yesterday at 08:54:46 PM
  Before the baby came who did bedtime with her?

I always did bedtime with DD1. I'm sure that's why she wants me, because she's used to it.
DH loves DD1 so much and it breaks his heart to hear her saying that she doesn't want him to put her in bed.

I totally get why DH is upset.  But really as the adult he needs to learn to not take it personally.  KWIM?  Toddlers strive and need consistency.  If mummy always does and always has done bedtime then it can be really hard to accept that daddy is now doing it especially seeing as she knows you are there in the house and in her mind choosing the baby or choosing not to put her to bed.   And its nothing to do with not loving daddy.  Its to do with what she is used to. 

I honestly would try and work things so you could do bedtime for a few nights to get over the upset and then maybe talk to her about how mummy and daddy are going to swap doing bedtimes.  Sometimes mummy will do the baby and daddy will do DD1 and other nights daddy does the baby and mummy does DD1.  SO that way she sees it is fair and knows there will be nights mummy will do bedtime but also helps her to get used to daddy doing it too.  I wonder could DH have a different winddown that may help her settle like an extra book or put a music CD that they could lie and listen to for a bit?

[lidiayy]

I honestly would try and work things so you could do bedtime for a few nights to get over the upset and then maybe talk to her about how mummy and daddy are going to swap doing bedtimes.  Sometimes mummy will do the baby and daddy will do DD1 and other nights daddy does the baby and mummy does DD1.  SO that way she sees it is fair and knows there will be nights mummy will do bedtime but also helps her to get used to daddy doing it too.  I wonder could DH have a different winddown that may help her settle like an extra book or put a music CD that they could lie and listen to for a bit?

Totally agree. I've talked to DH that he could take her to the library to choose a new book (she loves books!  that will be exclusive for their BT moment. He accepted the idea. Let's see if it works. Today both of them went to my nephew's B'day party, so lots of me and daddy moments.

Next week DH will be back to work so routine tweakings will surely happen and I'll have more control on her nap duration (if DD2 lets me  )

I'll keep posted

[Shiv52]

 

Fab idea about the library books!

Remember hun, it is very early days.  DD2 is only a few weeks old.  You are all trying to find your feet and you will.  It just takes some time to adjust.  {{{{hugs}}}}