I'm losing my temper with this eating business

[LisaK1]

Hi

i'm close to losing the plot.....

My 2 year old is being a real handful when it comes to mealtimes.  He has always been tricky.  I;m not the most patient of people either - so its an explosive mix.

We are down to only eating cumberland mini sauasages, fishcakes, apples, banana, oranges, angel cake (as it has no milk or soya) and occasionaly ham sandwiches or jam sandwiches plus toast in the morning.

This lunch time was awful.  He only ate a piece of toast with jam plus a small tangerine for breakfast, then at playgroup they let them have 1 custard cream biscuit at 10am.  Lunch was offered at midday -  3 mini cumberland sausages plus beans and peas.  He picked out the sausages and ate them and point blank refused to touch the beans or peas.  After me attempting to bribe him with "do you want cake for pud?" he says ''yes'', and then I say "well eat your beans and you can have some cake"......meltdown.  Previously these little bribes have worked a treat (but I've never felt comfortable doing them as they were getting more long winded).  Eventually after me getting angry and telling him off (which I feel terrible about) and putting him down from the table, lots of crying and sobbing.........I sat him back at the table and asked him to eat one spoonful of beans and then he could have cake.  After a short while he gave in and ate the single spoonful. He did it but looked ever so sad!  I feel so awful.

What do I need to be doing here? Mealtimes are becoming such a stress and I dread them, can't have this for the next X years!!

What would you suggest I do for dinner time please ladies?

Thanks you!
Lisa

[deb]

First I'd take a deep breath.

Secondly, I'd stop offering cake as a treat, at least for now. He doesn't need it, nutritionally speaking, so if he's eating the cake or biscuits, then that's less non-treat nutrition he would be getting.

In some cases food aversions happen. Even at 6+YO, as I've been learning the last couple months (to my own stress LOL). As a child I learned that beans and peas made me literally gag, but that didn't stop my mother from feeding them to me several times a week, including one phase where she was so frustrated that she told me I'd eat the peas or I'd eat nothing. I had nothing but school lunch and glasses of milk for three days before she relented. And I still can't eat peas or lima beans, or most beans except green beans, for that matter, without gagging. I did/do eat a number of other  green veg, and beans don't have all that much nutrition you can't find in other places anyway (he can get better protein from meat, for example, or eggs), so looking back there wasn't much point in her having forced the issue except to cause other problems.

Have you tried letting him be a part of meal preparation? He can probably use a plastic butter knife to cut the sausages into pieces himself, or he can stir eggs or help you make a dressing or dip, or learn to add seasonings to the food. A lot of times kids are more likely to eat something they wouldn't normally if they've had a hand in preparing it.

Does he go food shopping with you? Maybe you can select one new food each week to try. Having food in other settings can also work sometimes; for the longest time Josie wouldn't touch broccoli with a 10-foot pole, BUT she would have it raw with cream cheese at preschool and she'd eat it raw from the garden. She and Nat will also pick beans and peas right off the plants to eat raw, so maybe you could try some of them as raw treats, or serve them with sour cream or ranch dressing as a dip for a new way to eat them.

Also, sometimes he's just not going to be hungry, in which case try again i another 15-20 minutes or so. If you're sure he IS hungry, then give him the stuff you're not sure he'll eat first - so in this case the beans/peas - without the sausage, and THEN let him know there's sausage - otherwise don't even tell him there is any so he doesn't hold out for it. Might be worth a try.

A few random thoughts - hope something in there is useful.

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

After me attempting to bribe him with "do you want cake for pud?" he says ''yes'', and then I say "well eat your beans and you can have some cake"......meltdown.

I would not do this personally...we don't really do dessert here and it is never contingent on the meal being eaten.  Kids tummies aren't that big...3 sausages sounds like a decent meal.  I'm very relaxed about my kids eating (my parents were very much the same by the time they had me-4th child, so I guess I picked it up from them)  I do serve new things, offer healthy food and then let them go to it and make up their minds about what & how much to eat.  I will sometimes ask them to taste something and tell me if they like it or not, but if they don't like it they don't have to eat it.

Anna has some great steps to getting a child to touch and eventually taste and eat food...will see if I can find the thread she had posted it in for you!

http://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=221152.msg2371362#msg2371362

The post of Anna's is on the first page just scroll down a ways.

Posting at the same time as Deb...that reminds me that Spencer loves raw veggies, but the only cooked veg she will eat is corn!

[LisaK1]

Thanks! The take a deep breath advice is for sure what I need to do. We are having fishcake with carrots and chips for tea tonight. So I'm going to see how it goes and stay calm and also eat with harry (this we dont typically do as he has dinner at 5pm and had dairy, egg and soy allergies, so a pretty limited range. Maybe I am expecting too much of him in a meAl sitting but when he used to eat and ate well hecwoyld demolish loads. But it seem such a small amount now. I'm also wondering about toddler control issues? Not long after refusing most of his lunch(bar the sausages), he sat with me and pinched my ham sandwich and museli bar. Am i possibly being 'played' too? How would you deal with that? So hard to know what is a food aversion or genuine dislike and what is testing mummy?? Thanks for helping.

[skatty]

I think the thing to remember is that kids eat when they are hungry which may not be at typical meal times and the other thing is that they really do have small stomaches! My dd is 5 and she still eats very little most of the time, it is hard but i think we just have to trust that kids will eat when they are hungry. My dd does not get many treats (now she is older she has sweets once a week), she just doesn't eat much so what she does eat has to be nutritious. As you have discovered the best way to get a toddler to try new foods is for you to eat it, hey will soon be a long to try it 

BTW it is really normal for 2 year olds to get fussy, my dd used to eat anything and then around 2/3 she was much more fussy and I was told this is when tastebuds are at their strongest so a lot of veggies taste bitter. My dd would eat peppers and cucumbers if she had something to dip them in and she loved to eat peas, sweetcorn and berries straight from the freezer and would call them ice cream!

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

Spencer is gluten, dairy and egg free (among other things) and 99% of the time we all have supper together, even if hers is a little different.  We do that meal at 5:30 and I try to give a decent afternoon snack so they make it that long until supper.  That way, he will see you eating a variety of foods and maybe try them himself.  It can take many times of offering a new food before they will even try it though!

Why not try to make his lunch and yours the same(or similar as you can)?  Seems like he enjoyed the sandwich!  I would not think he is being manipulative at this age, he was just interested in mommy's food!  

[LisaK1]

True to form, ate the fishcake and ignored everything else. Asked for fruit pot Which is his pudding equivilent and more of my fishcake. He got neither as this is ridiculous!!! I just said 'are you finished eating then, okay let's get you down from the table'. He absolutly is still hungry but he can't just fill up on fish cake, if I cave in and let him have it where does that get us and what does it teach him? Sigh, why does it gave to be so tricky.

[LisaK1]

I'm sat back at the table eating breadsticks, cucumber and the leftover carrots. I have a helper wanting the breadstick and cucumber, so a little more of that has been eaten. He has now had his fruitpot too which seemed fair as he was willing to try the breadstick and cucumber. Maybe I'm simply serving him things he doesn't like - carrots, peas, beans, chips (not that chip refusal is anything to worry about). It's a nursery day tomorrow sp he will eat well there with the other kids (carrots and chips too!)

I think the communal eating is important for this child?

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

I think the communal eating is important for this child?

I think it is for most kids, they see healthy eating habits being modelled by parents and/or older siblings.  Even if it takes awhile for them to try something new.  To me, the fruit is something I would have offered with the meal anyways, not an treat like cookies or something.  Has he gotten his molars?  I wonder if he can crunch up some skinny cut raw carrot sticks?  I know most dips are out with what he can't have, but then Spencer will use ketchup for apple dip (ewwwww!!!!) but whatever!

[deb]

Dips don't have to be creamy; even olive oil with a dash of salt and garlic or herbs can be a "dip."

If he likes the fishcakes, maybe you can make fishcakes - or meatloaf or meatballs or omelettes? - with veg mixed in? It's all nice to prepare stuff separately sometimes, but mixing them all together can be easier in a lot of cases - think one-dish meals and less cleanup.

[rach321]

I have a 3 yr old who won't touch veggies with a barge pole so I make all my own food and either chop them really small or grate them - you'd be surprised how much grated carrot can be hidden in a bolognaise mix.  I make my own burgers and fishcakes with veggies in them.  I know its not the ideal answer but he is finally getting to the stage where he is willing to sniff new foods and sometimes even lick them.  We don't bother putting pressure on him to eat them we just make sure he see us eating plenty of veggies (fruit isn't too much of a problem), luckily his brother ( who is dairy and gluten free) isn't fussy at all and is quite happy to eat all of the veggies that get put in front of him.  I would just keep offering him the healthy stuff and when he's ready he will eat it - they are pretty quick to pick up on what stresses you most at this age so no matter how frustrated you are try not to show it. Definitely get him involved in the cooking - really helps here.

[abaker89]

We always offer the vegetable first, they are very hungry then so they usually eat it.  My husband and I eat a lot of salad so its pretty normal for us to have that first and then the meal.  My second is a terrible eater and I feed her lunch while she is playing but I always feed the broccoli pieces first and now she is used ot it.  Just took some training and persistence.  She also likes veggies frozen so I microwave them briefly to soften but they are still quite icy.  Maybe that would work?

Aileen

[LisaK1]

Frozen veggies - there's an idea. We've been eating as a family at the table these past few nights and had success, all be it with the tried and trusted favourites but I'm taking things slowly. Thanks for all the suggestions. I think I need to calm down about the issue and not get so stressed - like someone said, no child will starve themselves willingly.

[abaker89]

I know everyone always says that a child won't starve themselves but mine did, for 8 months they said she was "failure to thrive" and didn't gain at all.  She refused to eat and her doctor said they call these children self-starvers. So not to be an alarmist but i thought like you that no child would starve themselves and then I had one.  So just keep an eye on weight gain and you will be fine.  Good luck!