H.E.L.P teach limited freedom (toddlers)

[creations]

"It's okay to venture forth and discover what's out there." SOTBWFT p45

In BW Tracy tells us to H.E.L.P our toddlers to "create and nurture the parent/child bond, keep your toddler out of harm's way, and at the same time, foster your little one's growth and independence." SOTBWFT p43

http://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=54753.0
Hold yourself back
Encourage exploration
Limit
Praise

I'd like to share a game I played this week with my 16 month old toddler to help teach the language and desirable behaviour relating to limited freedom and offer him the chance to practice in a safe and fun way so that he was able to enjoy the (limited) freedom to explore his surroundings.

A little background.
DS is 16 months old.  Walking confidently, able to run (less confidently), starting to climb.  He has very limited verbal communication so far but has good receptive language skills. Responds well to clear direction.  Basically textbook.
He has been walking (ie unaided) for 3 months.  When he began walking I increased instruction/direction related to desirable behaviour when walking out and about.  For example, 'Hold hands please' and 'We have to hold hands when we are by a road'.

I was very lucky (and surprised) that the first time I asked him to, 'Stay close please', he interpreted it as 'Do not move an inch, stick yourself to me like glue, cuddle up to my legs and hang on.'  We were standing at a shop checkout and I needed him to not walk away or pull on me so I could keep hold of him whilst also getting my purse out to pay.  He stayed wonderfully close (both arms around my leg!) and I praised him for this and repeated the key word 'close' to reinforce the direction, 'Oh that's lovely and close.  Thank you for staying close, Mummy likes that a lot'.  After I'd packed the couple of items I'd bought I said, 'OK then, let's go' and he immediately released my leg and prepared to walk.  I had had no expectation that he would respond this way to the 'Close' direction, hugging my leg is a little excessive but it IS close so I went with it.  As far as I am concerned I didn't teach him to stay close, it was my aim to teach it but he did it first time so pretty much no teaching involved, only reinforcement.  This was when he was 13 months old.  Now when I lift him out of the car I always say, 'Stay close please'.  He doesn't tend to hug my leg any more, instead he stands statue still or sits on the floor and I'm able to get my bag and lock the car without him pulling to walk away (I have hold of him for safety).

However, I was fumbling a little with regards to teaching him that in some situations he is allowed to explore a little distance away from me and have some freedom and independence.  I have been using words such as, 'That's far enough' or, 'Come back now please' which have worked pretty well but I didn't feel totally clear on what language I was using and I could see that he wasn't 100% clear on what I wanted even though he would return about 90% of the time when asked.  I'm actually still fumbling a bit with this but I think this game has taken us a step in the right direction.

The game
You need two adults for this so rope in DH or a friend.  I had DP with me.
At the park we chose an area that had no other people around and very few people passing that way.  It was a large, safe, grassed area, big enough that if DS had chosen to do a runner we would very easily reach him before he had the chance of approaching danger.  No roads, ponds, steps, steep hills etc.
I positioned myself as the 'base' and stayed put.
DP started at base.
DS was at the base with us but wanted to explore and play.
I said, 'We're going to play a game.  Watch Daddy.'
DP started to walk away.
I said 'Stop' and DP stopped dead, mid-step, like a statue.
I said 'Carry on' and DP continued to walk away.
We repeated this a few more times then I said, 'Come back now please,' and DP came straight back.  When he reached base I clapped and said, 'Well done Daddy.  You came back when I asked.'
DS was captivated.
We played it once more and by then DS was just dying to have his turn.
Then followed about 20mins of DS practising this game.  It was so successful that we already extended the game in two ways:
- allowing him to go further away before asking him to, 'Come back now please.'
- encouraging him to run and stop rather than walk and stop (we kept the running close by just in case he didn't stop).
He took great delight in stopping, carrying on and coming back.  DP and I both praised him for following the direction and DS was overjoyed.  In the whole 20 mins DP only had to intervene once when DS went a couple of slow steps beyond the stop point.

Next time I play this game with DS I'm thinking of extending it with visible markers called 'Far Enough'.  I'll position the 'Base' a reasonable distance from a tree, pathway, litter bin or other clear point and walk with DS up to the marker and name it, 'That's far enough'.  I'll mark out the base with a picnic blanket so that after showing him 'far enough' I can say 'lets go back now' and he will be able to see where we came from and where we are going back to.  During the game I will use the same key words for direction but also include, 'Stop.  That's far enough' when he reaches the marker.
I'm also thinking that when this is going well I will extend again by giving him a ball to play with and use the same direction whilst he plays with the ball so that he can learn there are limits even when playing another game.

I think this lesson will also be really useful in other places where holding hands is not  always necessary but I'd still want to limit his freedom.  I can see it being useful for us in the play park to keep DS within reasonable limits depending on how busy it is. Maybe also in a zoo, aquarium, museum or soft play restaurant area.  Where we go the older kids are in and out of the play zone and back and forth to their tables.  It gives the impression that the whole place is available to explore but I would want to limit how far (and in which direction) DS could go on his own.

It's a simple game, maybe you've done something similar or might want to try it out with your toddler?
Anyone want to share your games or methods of HELPING your toddler learn the boundaries of their freedom?
Or anyone have ideas of how I could extend or improve this game further?

[amayzie]

This looks really great! Did you consider- or did you pair this with a sign? Perhaps 'stop'? or 'wait'? Difficult if the child has his back to you of course.. BUT you could incorporate it then you can have some extra cues when you are explaining that a particular point is 'far enough'- you can add in the sign to help him remember?

[creations]

Great idea Katy.
Yes difficult when he has his back to me but when I call out 'stop' I put a hand up so he can see when he turns around and then an away hand to continue.  I use a beckoning sign when I ask him to 'come back' and if he needs some encouragement (tends to be when he is part way back and not sure if he is going to come all the way to me or then head in another direction) I hold out both arms for a cuddle.  He tends to come running when I do that.

Have you tried anything like this with Hamish?  it would be interesting to see how well a younger one would respond and when he started to respond.

[amayzie]

Not yet.. i think that as he's not walking it's not been as important.... Does that make sense? I might try introducing it a bit though as he does sometimes try to go out of the gate and such- and might help if hes trying to go into rooms he;s not meant to.

[becj86]

I've done a similar thing with Logan at 14 months. He's wanting to go for walks (on his feet, not in the pram), so I take him. He walks up the driveway and up towards the road. I get down beside him and say 'that's as far as you can go' and often a car drives past just to illustrate my point and he waves to it. He then walks a good 400m along the footpath, not trying to go onto the road and stops at the road when its time to cross. I pick him up, walk across and let him continue walking. Letting him walk without holding my hand means that when I do need him to hold my hand, he will usually do it without the screaming

He also has quite a bit of freedom at parks and such, and will come when I ask him to. He seems to have a good understanding of what I'm asking of him... the wanting to do it is another thing entirely

[creations]

That sounds like good practice.
I feel fortunate that DS has never screamed or refused to hold hands when walking.  Occasionally he will pull his hand away from mine and just stop walking, which means he's tired and wants to be carried.  If I don't pick him up then he just sits down on the pavement

Katy, it only became something we needed when DS started walking outside and the natural SA brought on by a new development such as walking kept him close even in the park initially.