Please help! 7 mo spirited baby with major sleep problems.

[sydneyrose22]

I am at the end of my rope. I swear I have tried everything to help my baby sleep better. He was born 8 days late and is definitely a spirited baby. He never slept all the time like most newborns do. People were constantly commenting on how alert he was and old he seemed for his age. At this time, I knew nothing about A times, so I would just let him stay up until he started to fuss, nurse him to sleep, and then he would wake up five minutes after I put him down. So I probably could have avoided some of these problems if I would have gotten with the program early on, but obviously I didn't...

When he was about 4 months old, I read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child," and let him learn to fall asleep on his own (basically cry it out). He did pretty well. He only cried 20 mins the first night and less from there on out. However, that didn't help him sleep in longer stretches at all. He still woke up every three hours and would only take 30-40 min naps. I would try to find the "magic moment" where he got a glazed over look in his eyes, but found that it was really hard to do and it just wasn't practical for me to have to sit there and stare at my baby for an hour and a half thinking, "Was that it? Or was he just staring?" I found it a time or two, but it seemed that it was at a different time each day.

When he was 5 months old, I stopped letting him nurse to sleep at bedtime, and all of a sudden he started sleeping 12 hr stretches. Then he got sick and it was back to every 3 hrs. I also notice that he sleeps longer stretches at night when he eats solids well during the day. But, of course, he is stubborn and has started freaking out when I try to feed him solids.

I have still been trying to find the best amount of A time for him, and one day I will notice that if I keep him up 2.45 he sleeps 1hr. So I will try 2.45 again the next day and he will be a screaming OT banchee that only sleeps 30 or sometimes he fully refuses to take naps at all.

I am beyond exhausted. My husband works 90 hours a week and we don't live by family, so I never get a break. And, of course, we moved here when DS was 3 weeks old, so I haven't even been able to get out and meet friends in the area.  I break down and cry multiple times a week, and all of my friends and family are sick of me only talking about how my baby doesn't sleep. I need serious help.

I have wanted to implement the EASY using PU/PD but I know that I don't have the stamina to do it on my own. This is an approximate EASY of our typical day.

E- nurses. sometimes 530, sometimes 730. If he nurses at 530 I usually feed him solids around 730. If he nurses at 730 I usually feed him solids around 9ish.
A- starts the day between 7 and 730 most of the time (I don't wake him up if he sleeps past 7. I just am too tired myself)
S- 930 or 10 until 10 or 1030

E- nurses @1030 (yes, I know this is a 3-hr schedule for a 7 mo old. but we are supposed to feed them when they wake up, right?)
A- walk or errands
E-1230
A- floor time
S-115-145

E-nurses @145
A- go to park or run errands, just whatever
S-430-5

E- nurses @5
A- play in jumper while I start on dinner
E- dinner @630
A- start bathtime, bedtime ritual @7
S- bedtime around 730, waking up around 1030 to eat, then sporadically after that.

I don't dream feed with him.

He used to go down really easily on his own for bed. Lately he has been screaming and I don't have the heart to let him CIO anymore... *sigh* as you can see it is a total disaster and I don't know how to fix it. Honestly, I need help the most with the short naps. His nights aren't so bad. But the naps make me lose my mind. I suspect he is chronically OT but I don't know how to fix it. I have tried having his A time much shorter and it didn't work.

[Maria14]

My DD is only 11 weeks old but we are having the same issue-she won't nap past 20-40 mins,and I am on my own most of the time too.it's very hard when you spend all day trying to settle your baby for a nap,very depressing and every day it's up and down with emotions I find.I feel the same ad you.my DD has recently given up on sleeping in the pram past 20 minute stretch too and that's a real shame as taking her out every day helped me keep my sanity.I am now trying a sling and she also sleeps om her tummy-it seems to make nights better (I feel like I am a bad mother but she does not settle on her back,I think she finds it very stimulating even in the darkened room) and helps her settle for nap but not stay asleep...I ve also tried different A times but found no consistency.it's very hard having to concentrate around your LO's sleep every day all day and not being able to just fully enjoy playing with them without constantly worrying that they will get OT...
can't offer any help am just saying that I feel the same way..

[becj86]

Big hugs xx These little people are really tricky.

First off, I have to say BW is against CIO/CC as we believe it breaks the bond of trust between baby and adult. I presume that's why you've come here since you don't want to do it any more.

My spirited little fellow really resisted sleep if he was undertired or overstimulated or just didn't want to miss out. I think with 2:45 A times at 7 months, your boy is probably not really tired enough to want to go to sleep or to nap a restorative nap (2 sleep cycles - generally 1.5hr+)

My gut feeling is that you need to keep a fairly consistent routine for a week without changing your A times just to see how he settles into it. After a week, you can tweak but keeping it consistent will allow him to predict what's going to happen and his body has some chance to self-regulate (which babies do when given the means and opportunity). Have a read of this: Regaining Trust of Your Child I suspect you may have to take the slow softly softly approach to get him into his cot happy again - for good sleep, it really need to be a place where he feels happy and secure. I used to give DS some 'no pressure' play time in his cot during his A time - just plenty of interaction with me, I never left the room during that time - it was all about making happy associations with the cot and his bedroom so he felt safe, secure and happy in there.

I'd suggest a routine somewhat like this:
7 - wake, nurse
8/8:30 - solids (offer water or milk as a drink with solids)
10 - nap (be ready to resettle OT wakings around 30min with shush/pat or hold through the jolts for the first few days)
11:30/12 - wake (don't wake him unless he sleeps 2hr), nurse
2:30/3 - nap
4/5 - wake (again, don't wake him unless he sleeps 2hr), nurse
3hr A, so 7/8 in bed asleep having had a BT nurse, etc.

WRT wind down - with a spirited munchkin, often a short or non-existent wind down is best. I had a collection of 3-4 quiet before-sleep activities that I would use before naps/bed and if he needed to calm down during the day, so they weren't associated just with sleep and I also used to bridge the transition from wake/play to cot/sleep by bringing an item/toy from the last activity with him to his cot.

[*Becky*]

Hi there,
Many hugs, spirited lo's can be hard work!
Excellent advice from becj86. The routine she has suggested looks good, you need to try and be consistent and give it a good week or so. One thing I used to do when DS went through patches of bad naps was to AP the odd one - took the pressure off and also meant I could see when he was falling asleep so I could get back onto a routine again. I am not saying PA all naps but sometimes the odd car drive or buggy sleep can give you a chance to step back and start again. Good Luck.

[sydneyrose22]

@maria14 thank you, it is so nice to have someone who knows how I feel. No one, not even my husband, understands and it is sooo hard.

@becj86 thank you sooo much. I actually let him CIO last night because he freaks out uncontrollably when I walk in his room and nothing I do will comfort him. There isn't even an option for PU/PD because he never stops. He just climbs and pushes against me while screaming. I am going to start that routine ASAP, but I have a few questions: 1. you think he is going to bed UT even though when he wakes up he is grumpy? I thought grumpy=OT? 2. Now that he freaks out whenever we get into his room, how do I get him to fall asleep without using CIO or props? He won't even let me rock him or nurse him to sleep. Should I just AP until he isn't scared of his room anymore and then break those habits later? 3. So spirited LO's are supposed to have short wind downs? For some reason I thought they should have longer ones. Obviously I am new at this, and I have read the book but my sleep-deprived reading comprehension is poor.

@becky Thank you. It is so nice to have individualized advice.

[Haribo2012]

Just to offer hugs, my LO is spirited and hard work to figure out and at 10 months old I still cry some days! I hope that doesn't make u feel worse but just to say your not alone :-)
We had a period where DS would try and climb over my shoulder to get out his room....I tried to spend a lot of daytime play in his room with fave toys in and out of cot to make it seem more appealing.

Also we had a rubbish nap phase at 7 months and I really had to adjust his A times, can't give u advice but you've had brill advice already so keep your chin up and a good cry helps release stress sometimes so don't feel bad your doing a fab job and these little people can really test us honey.

[becj86]

you think he is going to bed UT even though when he wakes up he is grumpy? I thought grumpy=OT?

Not always - some spirited kids just are grumpy when they wake at certain stages of their development. He could well be OT - from not having restorative naps. A longer A time should give him a better chance at taking restorative naps and chipping away at the OT that will have been accumulating. Short-term UT is something that can create chronic OT and is a vicious cycle because mums often decrease A time in the hopes of fixing the OT but it makes it worse.

Now that he freaks out whenever we get into his room, how do I get him to fall asleep without using CIO or props?

I think you need to dedicate some time to getting him comfortable in his room again. At the moment, that is the room he knows you're not going to come even if he cries so you need to build up the trust with him again. You need to spend time in there doing fun things, probably AP naps or at least be there whenever he wakes (catch up on some reading or take a nap beside his bed while he sleeps). It will take time - he is learning a skill, just like reading when he's a bit older - you'd not leave a kid in a room with books and expect he comes out reading, so he cannot be expected to learn how to relax into sleep without some help to learn the skill. At the moment, I wouldn't worry about props too much - they can be weaned gently with gradual withdrawal - PUPD is not a great idea for a spirited baby as it is WAY too stimulating.

So spirited LO's are supposed to have short wind downs? For some reason I thought they should have longer ones.

Yeah, they seem like they should need longer ones because they are easily overstimulated and so high in energy/alertness. If I did a long wind down, DS just had more opportunity to fight against sleep. There was a time I used to swaddle him and put him on the living room floor to nap so he would just fall asleep with all the action going on around him so he didn't feel like he was missing out. At that age, he thought it quite normal that I spent time sitting on the couch singing I remember re-reading BWSAYP to figure out why a long WD wasn't working for him and I found a sentence that said sometimes spirited LO's need a short/no wind down. I will see if I can find it in my book so you can reference.

Please don't leave him to CIO Here is some information as to why we say its not a good idea:
Research on why 'cry it out' and 'controlled crying' is NOT recommended!
Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us
Kara & Alexandra's Story

[sydneyrose22]

Thank you so much for the help. I'm feeling encouraged. And awful about letting him CIO. But I'm just going to forgive myself and move forward, not doing it again, and rebuilding his trust.

[*Becky*]

please do not leave him to CIO. Baby Whisperer is completely opposed to any form of CC or CIO and we will not be able to support you if you feel this is the way you wish to proceed.
Becj86 has given excellent advice - it is going to take time if he is scared of his room, there is no quick fix unfortunately.

[*Becky*]

posted at the same time! Good luck with moving forward, we are here for you.

[sydneyrose22]

@becky it is not the way I wish to proceed at all. I currently have a sinus infection, and last night I had to take dinner to a new mom, so by the time I was putting DS down, dinner for my family was in the oven and I had to prepare the sides but he was throwing a fit. I was overcommitted, exhausted, sick, and pressed for time. And my husband doesn't mind letting him cry, so when I feel bad about it he always talks me into it. But I'm going to show him those links so that we can be on the same page. I am also going to clear my schedule so that I can spend a week or so being consistent with DS.

@haribo2012 thank you so much.

[*Becky*]

But I'm going to show him those links so that we can be on the same page. I am also going to clear my schedule so that I can spend a week or so being consistent with DS.

great

[nevinsmama]

Hi there, just wanted to say I know it is tough when DH is not on board but would he consider reading the links that Bec posted? I see that maybe you were going to show those to him and this did wonders with my DH who is a bit "tough" if you know what I mean. Now when a guy at work was telling him about letting his son CIO he went all BW Dad on him and was telling him all the technical stuff about why it is not a good idea. Sometimes the research behind it all can help men understand more about these things. Even if he doesn't get on board we will all be here to help you regain his trust and move forward. (((HUGS)))

[sydneyrose22]

Ok, so we tried to do that schedule today with DS, and didn't let him cry at all. But what we found is that he will not go to back to sleep once he wakes up from a nap. I did the shush-pat, but he just cried harder. If I am not letting him cry, and PU/PD is too stimulating for spirited babies, should I just get him up when he wakes up and then use a 3 hr A time after that? Or should I keep him up until his next nap time?

Also, DH and I ended up watching a documentary last night called "Stuck" about adoption (really good BTW) and it showed a lot of orphan babies and the conditions they live in. It talked about the things that happen to the babies that are left to cry and never get love. It had both of us crying and after it was over we both resolved that we would not let DS CIO anymore. So DH's heart was softened and is now on board.

[becj86]

Great that your DH is on board xx That will truly make it much easier for you all.

What did your day end up looking like? in EAS format, please.
It is possible he's waking early from naps due to overstimulation - try building a couple of big tight hugs into your walk down the hall to his room - that will help him release the excess energy; also try not having TV on while he's awake, even just as background 'noise' it can be overstimulating and screw up naps.