Help!!! 2.5 year old now tantrums to sleep

[anagno]

Hi

I really hope someone can help me - I need some good advice on how to tackle an increasing problem with my son (twin 1). Bit of background - my twins were 8 weeks prem - son in hospital for 3 months, daughter 1 month. Son had some brain damage that has affected vision in one eye and he has some developmental delay, but he seems quite bright and in many ways is a normal 2 year old. Recently he has started tantrums that really push the boundaries - challenging, but perhaps reassuring that he is a normal 2 year old! The other thing is he is still teething and we think it causes him a lot of pain - he gets high fevers, nasty nappies, goes off his food, chews his fingers). They both nap after lunch for 1-1.5 hours.

I have always followed the Baby Whisperer advice, from the day my twins came home from hospital, and with my daughter I did shush pat and occasionally pick up put down when she was small - she now goes to sleep well, she can self sooth etc.

My son was fine when he was small - no sleep issues at all. Yet now we're having real problems. He just doesn't go to sleep at bedtime (starts at 7pm each night - routine of teeth, story, bedtime hugs, musical star plays for 10 mins). He starts to tantrum once the star finishes - well he starts to do the same screeching noise he makes when he tantrums during the day. He will screech one or two times, then go quiet, then do it again a minute or two later. He has only just stopped so it has been going tonight well over an hour. Unfortunately not unusual.

I will say to him you are going to sleep now Jake, but I don't pick him up or give him cuddles, and to be honest I don't really go in very often because he is not crying but tantruming. But then maybe he is frustrated because he can't sleep. I have always stuck to Tracy's advice that if they're not really crying then not to respond, but to respond when it is real.

I am at my wits end. I don't know what has gone wrong. I am so exhausted by the end of the day that the thought of doing gradual withdrawal or something like that fills me with dread - partly because I wonder am I giving in to a tantrum and partly because I just want to flop in front of the TV once they're in bed! But that is selfish of me. I can be quite strict and I wonder am I being harsh on my little man - perhaps he is lonely or scared, but then I think will I start accidental parenting and always be sat in his room whilst he sleeps.

I am so worried and I don't know what to do - I'd be grateful for any advice or comments 

[michaeljacknnugg]

If he is having a tantrum then he is trying to communicate with you - I'm wondering if it is pain? My DS struggled with teeth too and it was especially painful at night when he was lying down.

I would try to comfort him if it was me, but I don't have two! Have you tried pain meds at bedtime?

[anagno]

Hi

I guess you're right, he is trying to communicate. I think I am just tired and can't think straight. If you went in what would you do?

Re pain meds, yup we use both infant paracetamol and ibuprofen at times - we try to be very sensitive to his pain and do our best to help manage it using whatever we can, as it must be horrible for him.

Sophie

[anagno]

having said that, I am not sure the pain meds always work 100% - sometimes it seems like they take the edge off but don't get rid of the pain completely (would you believe his pediatrician said he doesn't think teething hurts!)

the thing is, when I go in there, I don't even need to say anything to him, he just goes quiet and tries to chat to me - he gets happy all of a sudden so I feel it might be more attention than pain. But then as I said I think sometimes I am a bit too strict and I want to be better so I really value all advice - I need to do something differently that's for sure.

[michaeljacknnugg]

At that stage I did whatever was needed! Cuddles, a bit of rocking etc. I always backed off as soon as I could so that it didn't become a habit.

Bear in mind that the two year teeth are the worst - and then you're done! - eye teeth and molars are very painful. I'm wondering if he's associating bedtime with pain? Would it be worth trying a change to the bedtime routine?

[anagno]

I could change the routine.... but then that might affect daughter, for whom it works well.

One thing that is really puzzling me is that when he goes down for his nap, at about 12 - 12.30, he goes to sleep just fine...

[Khalam's Mama]

Some good advice here for you from pp.

I was wondering about him being ut. This is a time when sleep needs often drop. Maybe you could try to put them down together if he sleeps ok but get him up earlier while letting her sleep. Do they sleep in the same room? Could you nap them separately at all?

How is his speech? Maybe some signs would help him communicate if he is not verbal yet?