Author Topic: 16mo not eating what I offer  (Read 1870 times)

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Offline typhoonfairy

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16mo not eating what I offer
« on: December 30, 2013, 17:22:07 pm »
ok... probably a post that has been done in many different ways, many times in the past - but I am at my wits end. My spirited 16mo old boy is a nightmare at meal times. We have tried cutting down snacks and so on but he WILL NOT eat what I offer... unless it's a baby meal. We frankly can no longer afford to keep offering baby food. He has cows milk (about 7oz) when he gets up, and cereal for b/fast, fruit for snacks - but he is so picky with sandwiches at lunch and ANYTHING unless its dessert for tea. He still has formula (toddler) at bedtime - but only takes 2-4oz usually.

Jessmum46 said on another post: The worst thing you can possibly do really with a toddler's eating is show that it bothers you.  I say that with a big hug and realise how hard it is.
That's sound advice I know.... but he SCREAMS. I am a depressive anyway, so I really can't cope. and it is leading to arguments between my OH and I as he thinks we shouldn't give in (just one more bite - then you can have dessert - not that LO can understand that concept) and I just want to stop the noise and ensure my son eats something. He is quite whiny and demanding anyway (not the best napper and an early riser no matter what time he goes down) and I stay at home with him, so I am trying to get by without losing my marbles. I am well aware that it is me that has caused bad habbits. He is such a lovely little boy. I just need to stop this now.

Please help  :'(

Offline jessmum46

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Re: 16mo not eating what I offer
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2013, 18:49:34 pm »
Hugs, I'm glad you've been able to find a bit of info on other posts and I truly do realise how exhausting and frustrating mealtime battles can become.  Sorry you've been struggling yourself too - I hope you have some support in real life?

What are his 'safe' or guaranteed foods and what sort of things does he like eating in baby meals?  I'm assuming you mean puréed/mashed type foods by baby meals?  Just wondering if we know what he likes whether we could come up with some different suggestions of ways to serve it?

Do you and DH tend to eat with your LO?  Children learn a lot by what their parents model so if that's not something you do regularly it may help, even if you can't do it for every mealtime.  If you can eat the same food, even better.

Is he well at the moment?  Any teething?  Do you think it is a textural thing that he won't touch home-cooked food or have you noticed that he's sensitive to other sensory experiences e.g. noise, feel of clothing etc?  Or are there situations in which he will eat well e.g. with a different relative, at daycare?

I think you've done some really sensible things already by making sure his milk intake isn't excessive and limiting snacks :) The next step I think would be to agree a plan with DH that you both can stick with - being consistent is so important with a toddler and unfortunately they are very quick to notice when mum and dad are stressed or don't deal with things in the same way.  I agree with you at this age there is no point in negotiating 'one more mouthful' etc so I would stop that if you can.

The sort of things I'd be thinking about would be:
- try to believe and trust that a healthy toddler will not starve themselves - they honestly will not
- offer one option for the main part of the meal, be that lunch or dinner
- ideally include something you know he likes, as well as something new e.g. A taste he likes as a baby meal but served in a new way - steamed veggie sticks instead of purée, chopped food instead of mashed
- put the food in front of him, give him a spoon or let him use his hands, and let him get on with it
- don't try to feed him, cajole him - just act totally unconcerned and neutral and sit nearby and eat your food
- if you can see he is starting to throw food, scream, whine then take a deep breath, tell yourself 'I will not be bothered by this' and then say something like 'oh, you're throwing your food, you must have finished.  Mummy will take it away'.  And then do so calmly and quietly.
- once the main course is done, offer a small dessert.  I would personally (if there are eating issues at the moment) limit this to fruit, perhaps some plain yoghurt with fruit purée stirred through, but nothing else
- same rules apply, let him get on with it and take it away calmly if it is refused or messed with
- once dessert is cleared away, let him leave the table.  Food doesn't come back until next mealtime.

At some point if he can see that his antics are getting him nowhere and he is not compensating for lack of eating at meals with large snacks or excessive milk, then he will make the choice to start eating.  It may be a day, it may be two, but he will not starve.  Being a bit hungry will teach him to recognise that his body needs food and he will learn to take what is offered.   

I do appreciate that this is so so difficult but it is not un-solve able :). Toddlers have very little control over their lives, in fact they can really only control what goes in and what comes out, so no surprise these are the biggest battle grounds beyond sleep.  Remember that your job is to provide a healthy balanced diet and the opportunities for DS to eat it.  It is not your job to make him eat - that is up to him.  If you can encourage yourself that you are doing everything possible to keep your side of that bargain, and keep calm, then hopefully with patience his side will follow :)

The other thing I wondered is have you seen the support thread for spirited babies/toddlers? May help you more generally with some coping strategies.  Let us know how you get on x




Offline typhoonfairy

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Re: 16mo not eating what I offer
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2013, 18:59:36 pm »
Thank you so much for replying.

He is teething (I think) but has been for a while - so it's on off if you get me. I do not think that is the issue. By baby meals I mean the appropriate age shop bought - so lumpy but pre packaged. He seems to have a issue with ANYTHING home cooked - veg/potato (he is really not keen)/meat - he really likes spaghetti bolognaise as a toddler meal; but spits out the mince when we offer it. I think texture has alot to do with things but unsure how to get around that? We gave cottage pie tonight - you'd have thought I had put arsenic in it the way he was screaming  :-[

OH and I do sometimes eat with him, depending on the situation. Unfortunately some nights we are unable to as he eats really early. He will eat more at nursery but then he doesn't have hot meals there - just sandwiches, so I am not sure how he would fare with an evening meal there.

I will have a try of your suggestions tomorrow and take a look at the support forum you mentioned. Thanks so much again x

Offline jessmum46

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Re: 16mo not eating what I offer
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2013, 19:02:34 pm »
That's ok :). Will be here to support you when/if you need it x


Offline Peek-a-boo

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Re: 16mo not eating what I offer
« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2013, 00:41:39 am »
You might check out this author, Ellyn Satter.  I don't agree with her advice 100%, but she has some great perspective for how to keep food from becoming a battle ground:  https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/

Offline typhoonfairy

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Re: 16mo not eating what I offer
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2014, 20:39:17 pm »
Thank you so much for your help... I just wanted to say that things seem to have improved slightly after following your advice.... we now ensure that we eat with him and he seems happier with that. Fingers crossed it keeps getting better! Thanks again :)

Offline jessmum46

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Re: 16mo not eating what I offer
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2014, 13:44:01 pm »
Great update :)