3yr old spirited son- exhibited terrifying tantrums and wake ups from naps

[Cogray]

I really need help.  I thought it was hard when my spirited baby projectile spit up for 9 months and screamed for even longer.  It seems his yelling is far from over, but I am beginning to fall apart.

We know spirited babies and how sensitive they can be to any sign of their own weakness or failure.  Tempers fly high during these times but none so hard and long as when he wakes from a nap.  He rails, kicks, leaks from every part of his face, shouts "Go Away. hold me. Go Away. stay." Mostly go away but he wont let you leave.  I plead to help and he only rails louder and begins to throw things or even slap me across the face.  I just want to strongly discipline but I know there is no use.  Even if I whisper, he only gets louder.  I sometimes pretend there is something wrong with him (beginning to think there is) so as to insert more sympathy. 
Then, in a flash, he stops.  He says he is done.  Wipes his face and says he is ready to play.  Well, this is not okay.  The performance can last 45 minutes to an hour, probably depending on how much patience I have.  I feel like I am losing him to the "dark side" - no star wars pun intended.  These episodes are seeping into everyday life as well.  I find myself often avoid correctives or other such behavior modification lessons only because I may release the beast. 

How do I help this poor lost little love of my life?  He can be so sweet, but I see less and less of that.  Should I drop the nap?  I am not sure what that will look like.  We just got an au pair last week and she looks concerned.  I would be too.  I would run for the hills honestly and I was always the one who thought I could help with kids, having worked with kids my whole life.

I have been researching Gaps diet and Paleo diets.  I did have him tested for food sensitives and he has many.... which only means a strict diet.  Nightmare 3,000.

Where to I begin?

I appreciate your time and anything you can offer-

[Emami]

If he has food intolerances I think that is definitely the place to start. It sounds like the tests were recent, have you had the chance to eliminate his problem foods and see how it affects his behaviour?  I don't have any direct experience with food intolerances, but I know from others that they really can have a huge impact.

However, I do have experience with a child who does not wake up well! My DD1 can be like this.  It's not all the time, but specifically when she was nap dropping (which I suspect your son is given his age?) she would wake up ANGRY. It didn't matter if I capped her nap or she woke herself I knew I would need to allow her some time to get it out of her system.   Like you say with the "go away. Hold me. Go away. Stay" it's like they don't know what they want so there's not much you can do other than support him through it. I used to stay close to my daughter but not interfere because whatever I said or did would be wrong and lead to more screaming, so I would just let her know I was there and would give her a hug when she was ready. I might not always be in the same room (because who wants to literally sit and listen to a toddler scream at you), but leave doors open anlet her know where I was. For us it was a temporary thing in terms of it being daily and sleep related, but she's still not at her best in the morning when she first wakes up. Sometimes it's fine, but I still do the same thing if she's being difficult or contrary about getting ready for school. These days she gets over it a lot quicker and we've never been late because of it.

In terms of the nap - what does his day look like and how long is he sleeping for? We got to the point where a nap of any length just wasn't worth it as it would lead to a late bed time and less night sleep, and more tiredness overall. If you do end up dropping the nap I would do am earlier bedtime until he gets used to it. My DD1 went to bed at 5:30 for a while. I know that would be too early for a lot of people, but just as an example and it worked for us.

[deb]

We had a lot of luck with fixing diet: turns out that in addition to the artificial food colorings, we do best on a Paleo-type diet here too. Also Probiotics, good ones. This article is the one that clued us in to them: http://www.diannecraft.org/the-biology-of-learning-behavior/

And yes, look at sleep scheduling. How long a sleep is it? It's normal for a child (or adult!) to "waken badly" from too-short or especially from interrupted sleep but more unusual when waking between sleep cycles naturally.

Maybe before naptime you can tell him that you'll wait just outside his door while he wakes up.

[Buntybear]

Defiantly share with us your EASY now. It could be at 3 YO he may be ready to drop the nap and therefore you will loose the issues when he wakes. xx

[Lindsay27]

I used to stay close to my daughter but not interfere because whatever I said or did would be wrong and lead to more screaming, so I would just let her know I was there and would give her a hug when she was ready. I might not always be in the same room (because who wants to literally sit and listen to a toddler scream at you), but leave doors open anlet her know where I was.

^^This.  When my DS gets in that state there is no getting through to him.  So I just let him be essentially.  I stay close, tell him I'm here and that when he's ready and calm mommy will come an give him a hug.  And he does his thing and when he's done he says "Mommy I calm" and then I give him a big cuddle and we just gently talk about what happened.