seperation anxiety

[twogirlsmommy]

So dd2 is 2 1/2.  She has a speech delay and receives speech services in our home 1 day a week.  It was recommended because she was so attached to me and to help her develop her speech to maybe attend a play school.  I did this with dd1 (no delays) and she loved it.  So I signed dd2 up for 2 days a week at 2 hours.  She is struggling with school.  As we get closer to the school all I here from the back of the car is "I no like school" or "I no like friends."  Today it was a flat out "I want to go home" and she cried going in   They say she is fine during school she will occasionally get sad and tell them she misses mommy but there are no tears except the intial drop off crying.  When I pick her up she just keeps repeating "Mommy I miss you" Auby cried."  My heart is breaking.  Today she is being rescreened for her speech therapy and if she qualifies again when she is 3 (in march) she will then have to go to our public school 5 mornings a week so I really thought that this might help on all points.  As some background she will clearly state the she doesn't like our mommy playgroup, bagels (which are served at mommy playgroup) Ms. Hazel (grandma who is in the playroom at mommy group), pumpkins (we went pumpkin picking with her school) and now bedtime lol.  She does however like dance class and Sunday school neither of which I am apart of and she goes happily to those.  I guess I'm wondering because she is so young do I give her a maybe another month or two to see if she settles and if she doesn't just pull her and try again next year or do I push thru? 

[creations]

Sorry you didn't get any replies yet.
I've suggested your thread be moved to the Growth and Development board as perhaps you'll get some more eyes over there.

Sorry this is such a difficult time for you and DD.
I'm afraid I have no advice. If it had been my DS at 2.5yo I would have just stopped taking him to the school if he said he didn't want to go, but that's not necessarily the right thing.  I wonder if there are other groups you could take her to where you can stay with her.

[cath~]

Hmmm, it does sound like there's something there which just doesn't "click" with her (yet), esp since:

She does however like dance class and Sunday school neither of which I am apart of and she goes happily to those.

Since this ^^ is the case too, is it really necessary/helpful for her to go to this play school as well? 

It was recommended because she was so attached to me and to help her develop her speech to maybe attend a play school.

I'm no expert by any means but I'm not sure that sending a child to play school can help if they are "too attached" (is there such a thing anyway?).  From what I've read, the best way to make a LO more independent and confident is to ensure that they feel securely attached to their main caregiver (you).  For some LOs it can just take longer than others for them to reach this point.

Also, re speech development, (again, I'm no expert!!), surely some 1-1 time with you doing specific activities (is there anyone you can ask for recommendations, or do you already have ideas?) would be more beneficial than if she's in a playgroup setting?  But perhaps there are benefits of her being in a group setting which I'm not aware of. 

If you did want to increase her time in group activities though, could she do more of the groups she already enjoys? (Dance and Sunday school - do they have anything else at church?) ie where she might be happier to stay without you.  Or, like creations said, other activities which she could do with you, or with you there, at least? 

With the current playgroup, some things which other people have found can help their LO settle in (which can take time!), include:
- making a chart and discussing the routine so LO knows what to expect each time and when you're coming back
- letting LO take a lovey/favourite toy eg in their bag which they can get if they want a snuggle with it
- having a photo of you in her bag

Often though it just takes time for them to adjust to a new setting and if you give it a bit longer she will most likely settle in well and be happy there, e.g. once she knows the people better and the routine each time.  Perhaps you could ask if there is a particular adult there which she seems to be forming an attachment to/preference for and, if so, if she can spend a bit more time with him/her to strengthen that.

((hugs)) it must be hard to know what to do though in this situation.

[twogirlsmommy]

Thank you ladies for all your advice. 

I'm no expert by any means but I'm not sure that sending a child to play school can help if they are "too attached" (is there such a thing anyway?).  From what I've read, the best way to make a LO more independent and confident is to ensure that they feel securely attached to their main caregiver (you).  For some LOs it can just take longer than others for them to reach this point.

Totally agree with this but according the their stupid test this is a skill most 2 yr olds should be able to do and to be honest I'm not really sure most 2 yr olds do.  Today we went to the mom's club and she cried in our driveway before we had even left!  I drove to the place and she and I sat outside and I just told her that she did not have to go in and play she could stay with me but that I wanted to play with my mommy friends and she seemed to understand that and calmed down and was fine.  She went in with me and sat, she said hello to the women who are in the play rooms and we went to visit the play room a couple of times and then we went home.  I've decided that I am not going to push this.  Regarding school I have no idea what I am going to do we go tomorrow and dh will be going with us and to be honest part of me just wants to pull her out and forget about it and then the other part of me sees that at the end of school she is happy and says how she played with friends and made pretty art work.

If you did want to increase her time in group activities though, could she do more of the groups she already enjoys? (Dance and Sunday school - do they have anything else at church?) ie where she might be happier to stay without you.  Or, like creations said, other activities which she could do with you, or with you there, at least?

Sadly our church does not do anything else except Sunday school before mass.

Also, re speech development, (again, I'm no expert!!), surely some 1-1 time with you doing specific activities (is there anyone you can ask for recommendations, or do you already have ideas?) would be more beneficial than if she's in a playgroup setting?  But perhaps there are benefits of her being in a group setting which I'm not aware of. 

She does have speech therapy 1 day a week and its 1 on 1.  And we do lots of different activities her and I when we can get a chance but I also have dd1 to think about who although is in school all day then requires my attention and wants her mommy cup filled when she is home.

Some how I don't think there is an answer to this its just something we are going to have to take little steps and hope I am supporting her correctly.

[cath~]

How are things going?

Regarding school I have no idea what I am going to do we go tomorrow and dh will be going with us and to be honest part of me just wants to pull her out and forget about it and then the other part of me sees that at the end of school she is happy and says how she played with friends and made pretty art work.

Sounds like she does like it then and is ok once you've left?  I guess it just takes some LOs longer than others to be happy at drop-off.  Some find that transition (saying goodbye) harder than others, even though they're OK once they've made it.  Do the staff try to help her with this?  Eg try to engage her with a specific activity when you leave?

Some how I don't think there is an answer to this its just something we are going to have to take little steps and hope I am supporting her correctly.

I am sure you are   Like you say, probably there's no single right answer of what you should do.  But IMHO as long as you are supporting and loving her through whatever choices you make (which you are, of course!), then I'm sure that is the right thing to do xx

[twogirlsmommy]

So just to update.  DD2 is still crying at drop of for school and today we had a parent teacher conference and I am super upset.  As dh puts it this conference was a waste of our time as the teacher knew nothing about our child and everything was extremely vague.  DH and I have decided that we will give it till December and then we might pull her out and look for a new school for next year.  The teacher had no idea dd2 was crying coming in and then she's like well she knows her colors (umm which ones) she knows her shapes (again which ones) and she couldn't tell me.  She never opened a book or showed any of dd's work or had any examples of how she plays with her friends or what she liked to play with.  I feel like I have failed dd2  Blah

[creations]

Oh dear!! That doesn't sound good at all. I would be very upset by the teacher not being aware that she's upset and crying going in!!
No advice I'm afraid, just hugs. I hope you can work something out.  Perhaps the teacher's lack of interest in getting to know DD has been a contributing factor to her being unhappy at drop off?

[twogirlsmommy]

Perhaps the teacher's lack of interest in getting to know DD has been a contributing factor to her being unhappy at drop off?

This is what dh and I have thought also.  She goes to Sunday school and church with no tears and she does go to dance class with some slight anxiety now and our moms group separation is also getting better.  School is not getting any better and now I can see why

[cath~]

oh no, it doesn't sound good   I'd def be on the lookout for somewhere better xx

[creations]

I'm so sorry for you all, esp DD, that school is not working out well. I know my DS doesn't want to go to school but at least I see that his teacher is warm and friendly and I feel like she does make efforts to get to know the children.  I feel so sad for you that your DDs teacher doesn't appear to have a bond with her.
Are you looking at other schools? Calling around to see if anywhere else has places available?
hugs

[Erin M]

Ugh, I think I'd be looking for other schools as well.