Hi Friends,
My DS is 33months old, usually textbook/angel.
My DH went out of town for two nights for the first time in my LO's little life where he was aware of such things. For night two he had some trouble going to sleep, and had a night waking. My DH was actually home (after bedtime) so he went in to comfort him and then promptly left. LO cried, so DH did WI/WO. But each time DH tried to leave the room LO pitched a fit, so after an hour or so, my husband got into bed with him. We have never done this before. Never.
It's getting to be a blur, but subsequent nights went something like this: The next night was 2 hours of WI/WO, with him finally settling after reassurance that DH was right outside the door. I thought two hours of WI/WO seems excessive, so I'll try the more 'gradual withdrawal' approach. Since assuring him that we are near-- either in the room or outside the door worked a few times (at the end of two hours) I decided to *start* with that last night. I literally stood by his door inside his room for two hours. I thought it's better than petting him to sleep, and it's better than the intense crying of WI/WO the nights before. We thought he had some separation anxiety, and needed to rebuild trust.
Well, it didn't work. I *think* that I was distracting him. I *think* he was waking up after 20m naps and calling for me just to see if I was still there. Since I was exhausted and NOT OK emotionally, I tried more WI/WO and some sitting on my bed crying with him screaming and me not knowing what the f to do. Anyway, 4 hours later, he settled after I forced him to lie down. He said, 'Stay here!' I said, 'Nope, I'm going to bed.' He said, 'You'll be right through the wall.' I assured him that I was right there, I could hear him, etc. ALL THINGS I'D SAID BEFORE. And he settled right down, I walked out. This is at 3:30am.
This is totally shocking us, it's never ever been like this before. We've had a year plus of good consistent self-soothing sleep, generally no NW, and getting back on track after illness or travel has always been successful with WI/WO.
I guess it's my fault for being inconsistent and doing things never done before, like stay in the room. I just lost faith in WI/WO, and it just didn't seem to be working. And I've always given him a little pet when doing WI/WO, and if he's frantic enough, take him out, hold him and sing to him, and then boom, he's ready to settle and I can walk out. (LO seems to get stuck in these emotional jags and he simply CAN't settle down without help.) I know not to talk to LO during WI/WO, and I talk as little as possible, except to say the phrase, "It's time to sleep."
Anyway, I feel like I've done everything wrong this week, and I'm perpetuating this somehow and it's my fault. I understand that a few nights of 'trying different things' does not constitute giving any method a good go, and I'm utterly frustrated by this yet I don't know what else to do. Last night I was so upset because the only alternative I could see was CIO, and I really don't want to do that.
My gut is telling me that this is a habit now, and a game. He's now got 'permission' to cry out to us any time he wants because we have assured him that we will come. Something I've said, in an effort to reassure him, has made this a way to manipulate us in his mind. He is stubborn as heck, and extremely OT of course, so this has become a battle of wills-- like a game of chicken. Who can stay awake the longest? (not literally these thoughts in him, I know, but this is my sense)
I need a plan! Please help!
Idea 1)
Review WI/WO 'rules,' and do it very consistently, even if it takes all night for a week? Will WI/WO really work, this time?? It's never been this hard before.
Is comforting a falling apart LO by holding them briefly ok at times? (Or is that just worse because it's inconsistent) This has worked fine for me in the past and did not create a habit. It got him out of his jag and helped him sleep.
Idea 2)
Since this seems to be a habit and a game now, can I try time-in? I've done it before around this issue while traveling, when he would not stay in his bed and it worked. We are doing 1-2-3 Magic, so I was thinking of preparing him for this and saying that if he calls out (or cries) he will get time out (we call it that to him). Except-- I REALLY don't want to send the message that crying is bad... maybe I could say, "If I have to come in here, you will get time out." ?? Do I do it for frivolous call outs, or wait for desperate crying? Also, you would think that immobilizing him while sitting on the floor with him might be something he wants (my arms around him), but usually he doesn't like it. If he does, I could turn on the floor fan to blow on us which might make it slightly uncomfortable for him...?
Idea 3)
No more talking, no more pleading, no more verbal assurance, no more conversation? Except the chosen phrase, 'It's time to sleep'?
Any more ideas? Please please please help me.
Thank you.
Amanda
