Author Topic: Bedtime shenanigans  (Read 2425 times)

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Offline Chloevalentine

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Re: Bedtime shenanigans
« Reply #15 on: March 12, 2016, 14:09:35 pm »
Oh his needs are def getting met. We spend the whole day together and do a lot of cuddling and quality time so I know his cup is full. And I really don't think he has any ideas about the baby to be honest. I think it's just a phase he's going through and maybe just some terrible 2/3s and he's learned to kick is feet lol. I agree with you about his needs being just as important now or when he's sick be you really don't think that if you stay in the room every night for over an hour in order for him to fall asleep that he won't expect it every night?

Offline Katet

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Re: Bedtime shenanigans
« Reply #16 on: March 12, 2016, 21:48:10 pm »
How are you measuring his needs being met... my DS1 could have all day cuddling 1:1 time but if we didn't go out & kick a ball around or go for a walk he'd be "needy" at bed time... DS2 the opposite all day running around & if he didn't get cuddle time he'd be too unsettled for bed. It was a learning curve for me to work out that they had a gold standard I could spend most of the day giving little attention & as long as I spent time on the things that mattered to them it was filling there cup up. 

My DS2 is almost 11yo he hates going to a dark room in the house & turning the light on... it's not like it's all that dark in our house if one light is on anywhere it radiates, but he flatly refuses to go to the front room if it night & the light isn't on & if (which increasingly happens as he is LSN) he goes to bed at the same time as the rest of the family we have to leave the hall light on until he is asleep he knows it isn't rational, he even says himself he knows he shouldn't worry , but you know it is real for him & you know what I understand... I remember feeling much the same as a child, I hated using the downstairs bathroom after dark in the evenings because on day there was a weird shadow, so I'd turn all the lights on & go upstairs all the time until I was about 14years old.

At the moment at bedtime your DS is showing he wants you there, why he feels that way I doubt even at 10yo he could explain what is the trouble but as you say "terrible 2"  would be spot on,  which really in developmental terms is massive overload of development (2-3 is when children learn the most in their whole entire life, they do have brain overload a lot) & Mum is the safe consistent one, knowing she is there when they struggle is what they need, they feel like they can't cope (which at times is probably true) & they need to feel safe. Culturally it is really a small percentage of the world that actually don't have shared bedrooms with younger children & it is a lot to ask a small child to cope with their growing imagination in the dark when they are tired.  Them asking you to be there for an hour is hard (BTDT) but when they work through their emotions it isn't an hour it's back to the normal routine... it's kind of like when they start school sitting with them for reading & homework takes time, but later on they do it on their own. It's really a matter of doing Gradual withdrawal, sitting near him, telling him you have to go to the toile & coming back getting to the point where he learns a routine of "Mum will keep checking on me every 2mins & then every 5mins until I fall asleep, but it takes time for them to learn to trust that is what is happening & sadly with most parenting it isn't always quick, but it is very worth it to look past the idea of bad habits or them being difficult & look at them just simply doing the best they can to cope with being 3ft tall in a world of giants. He's not doing it to make your life difficult, he's doing it because he can't cope with how difficult his life is & it's what he feels he needs to relax at the end of the day...it's normal most of us have BTDT, but it is & always will be a cry for help & love rather than a being difficult.
dc1 July 03, dc2 May 05

Offline Chloevalentine

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Re: Bedtime shenanigans
« Reply #17 on: March 16, 2016, 00:32:18 am »
Ok we are on night 9 of bedtime struggles. The last few nights I've been singing until he closes his eyes then sneaking out of the room. The past two nights I tried to leave saying I was going to the bathroom or that I was just going downstairs but he came out of his room to get me. Or when I thought he was asleep I'd sneak out only to have him sit up and start crying. He's never done this as s baby so I'm just unsure how to handle I'm 6 months pregnant and kneeling on the floor is very uncomfortable. Help

Offline Katet

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Re: Bedtime shenanigans
« Reply #18 on: March 16, 2016, 02:07:02 am »
The past two nights I tried to leave saying I was going to the bathroom or that I was just going downstairs but he came out of his room to get me.

How long were you gone, the first time you really need to literally only go for 5 seconds at most & go right back & then build longer periods so he knows you come back,

I'd put a chair in his room so you can sit near but not touching & then you can gradually move it further away.

As a baby they don't have "memory" (out of sight out of mind) kind of thing, but as a toddler it is more about fear that you don't come back, it can be triggered from something as little as them calling for you in the house & you not hearing them & taking a minute for them to find you or to being left with a Grandparent & them being upset & so it results in some SA that gets worse at bedtime.

Sneaking out of the room is never a good idea, because they get confused, it's much better to tell them Mummy will stay until you are asleep & then she needs to go & do... before she goes to bed, but it's all working with their changes in ability to cope & it is one of those things in parenting that it's not always a quick fix when there is an emotional part to it. 
dc1 July 03, dc2 May 05

Offline MasynSpencerElliotte

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Re: Bedtime shenanigans
« Reply #19 on: March 16, 2016, 02:14:48 am »
Totally agree with Kate. Find a way to get comfy (chair, pillow etc) and keep the leaving brief at first and make sure he knows you will be leaving the room once he is asleep but that if he calls out you will come back. Is your DH able to help out with bedtime at all? My DD1 settled much better for DH than for me when I was pregnant with #2. 
Heidi




Offline Chloevalentine

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Re: Bedtime shenanigans
« Reply #20 on: March 16, 2016, 13:15:19 pm »
I can't recall anything that happened to make him scared at night. My dh was always the one in charge of bedtime routine and I would give lo a kiss and leave. So this is something new needing me there. Yes I did leave just for a few seconds and he came out looking for me and yes I do tell him that when he falls asleep I'll leave but none of these things are helping the fact that he will no longer go to sleep on his own like he used to ugh. All this time being so proud of how independent of a sleeper he was sigh.

Offline Haribo2012

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Re: Bedtime shenanigans
« Reply #21 on: March 16, 2016, 15:19:12 pm »
I'm sure he will be independent again soon, my DS gets scared off stuff and I never know where it's come from until maybe something gets mentioned weeks later....for example we had scared of monsters and them being in curtains but then I found out he was playing with a friend at nursery who was hiding pretending to be a monster.

It will pass, just be there for him now and stay with him and then he will feel secure again soon x
Zoe