Forgotten how to self soothe because of starting nursery / separation anxiety

[Kitechick]

Really need any advise / words of wisdom please.  Our LO was 1 last week and we have used the gentle approach to self soothing since she was 3 months old.  It took a long time but she did it for going to bed at night - not so good in the day!  At 6 months we moved her into her room & cot and would wait with her until she fell asleep and then at 9 months, we'd wait outside the door until she settled to sleep and then since about 10 months, she's been sleeping through.
I went back to work 2 months ago and then my DH was off looking after her full time on shared parental leave which worked really well.  Last week she started nursery full time - 41/2 days a week.  We had several 1 hour visits which all went well.  Since starting nursery, her daytime naps have dropped considerably which is understandable because of the noise and new environment etc.  Staff are cuddling her & then they put her in the cot for naps as she cries when they just put her in the cot.  The rest of the time she seems happy at nursery.
Our main problem is bedtime.  What used to be a lovely routine of song, change, bottle & bed still awake has become a long and stressful scenario.   As soon as she has her bottle & I go towards the cot she starts crying.  So I cuddle her & try several times more - the same thing happens.  So I try and cuddle her to sleep - sitting silently in the darkness with no interaction and my eyes shut.  Sometimes she claps her hands, plays with my zip etc but it is taking progressively longer to get her to sleep.  Or she drops off only to wake up when she goes in the cot. Last night was a record of 3 hours by which point she was so overtired that DH put her in the sling. 
I obviously know this is a stressful time for her and she is showing signs of separation anxiety (quite clingy when I'm around in evenings / weekends) and I'm trying to help her during this time, but I'm so worried she is going to get conditioned into needing us to rock her to sleep & forget how to self settle.  I'm a teacher and I normally have work to do in the evenings once she goes to bed, but if it's taking until 21.45 to get her to sleep, there isn't much time to so school stuff.  DH is great, but the separation problem is with me and she often screams more when with DH.  I'm feeling pretty fragile at the moment as I have just had a missed miscarriage and this new daily problem is making me just end up so sad and in tears. 
Has anyone else had his problem?  Is there light at the end of the tunnel.  How can we approach this so she feels secure and we can help her through this difficult patch but also so we don't go insane? Will she just adjust and go back to self settling?

[jessmum46]

Huge hugs for you to start with, what a lot on your plate and I'm so sorry for your loss Go gently on yourself right now   please do feel free to post on our loss and miscarriages board too if you wish - lots of support there for you if you need to talk  

I've been through the nursery sleep disaster/SA/OT with both of mine and want to reassure you there is light at the end of the tunnel, honestly.  The first few weeks are super-rough on the whole family, and I think you have a totally clear idea of why it is happening.  For now, I would just go with it.  For both your sakes actually I think the extra time spent on love, connection and security will be really important right now.  When mine are upset, OT, over-stimulated etc from nursery I do whatever I need to help them settle, be that stay there until they sleep or whatever.  Both of them have gone right back to independent sleep when whatever the issue stopping them has passed   I've always just kept trying the usual, but not stressed about it too much when it didn't work for whatever reason.  And then they have always surprised me by just settling as usual one night   They and you will get there!  Something it may be worth considering though is bringing BT early on nursery days and allowing extra wind down time - a longer more soothing bath, a massage, more books, longer cuddles - or whatever suits your LO.  Often their brains are just so wired they need that extra time to chill out enough to settle.

Hope that's some help xx

I'll move this post over to toddler sleep as your LO is over a year now

[Martini~]

Sorry for your loss Honey and hopefully you will feel a tad better soon.

I will post slightly:))) in the contrary to what's Katherine has written but I guess it's just a slightly different point of approach and both are fine. I would definitely help as Katherine said but I would keep her in the crib and sooth her there. If she was an independent sleeper even when distressed she may go down better in the crib. Mine is like that as he is an IS from the moment I remember and taking him out of a crib never helps. He usually cries even more and cannot "find a place", so if we have a worse moment I just do more with him but we stay in a crib.

[Katet]

From a BTDT (& made mistakes from it, but it was before i found BW) I think it's not so much the self soothing that has been lost but the need to make up for parental time that is lost. The time she is away is a big chunk of life & as it is with going back to work it's all really rushed & we aren't relaxed (we are kind of in that, lets get the baby to sleep so I can do other things mode) & so it's kind of not 100% mental & emotional energy on them. After a long time I realised with DS1 that really he did need more time with me giving 100% in the evening & so even things like at first we gave him Dinner & tried to put him to bed so we could have ours, we changed it so he had a meal with us etc & he did settle better with that extra time from us.

[Kitechick]

Thank you for your replies and words of reassurance.  Food for thought & DH is going to take a look too later at your ideas.  Good news today though - she slept 1.40 at nursery so she made it through the afternoon without a nap (just) and went to sleep when she was having milk frm bottle.  A much calmer and quieter wind down to bed time.  Both mama & LO much more content - no tears tonight.  It's a start and maybe not ideal long term, but actually it's perfect for today.  We shall see what tomorrow brings. 

[jessmum46]

Glad you had a nicer bedtime