18 month-old wants to be patted on the head before he goes to sleep

[Belleinfidele]

I know this is accidental parenting, it started while we were on a month-long trip and he became very upset during naps there, so I started to stroke his hair to soothe him. Now, 2 months later, he doesn't want to go to sleep without it. He may be dozing off, but still demands my hand. I know I need to start doing gradual withdrawal, but I don't quite know how to do it - I've tried to pat him less, but then he gets upset. I've tried to get him to pat himselt, hehe, but he's no fool.
After GW, we'd like to start WI/WO, because otherwise he seems ready.

He started daycare last week - 3 halfdays a week (3.5 hrs). He is coping very well and seems to like it, but is so overstimulated when he gets back that his naps are short on daycare days (45 min). And he has started to wake up early (used to be 7:45, today it was 6:45). So perhaps GW is not my main concern now that he has so much new going on in his life?

I see I have actually asked two questions under one, but if any of you have some good tips for either of them, it would be much appreciated.

Thanks.

[Scottishmummy]

Hi there!

No worries about the 2 questions in one...I'll try to help with them both! What is your typical routine?

Firstly- short naps at daycare and EW...this sometimes happens when LOs get OT, can you try EBT to get catch up sleep?

Head patting: here is a helpful link about GW and WI/WO:
Toddlers: Walk In/Walk Out vs. The Gradual Withdrawal Method (HOW TO CHOOSE)
Did your DS previously go to sleep independently, before your trip? If so, then the link suggests WI/WO would probably be the method to go for...you could still walk in, stroke or soothe him until he is calm but not asleep then walk out again...and repeat until he goes to sleep. Have a read of the link, there is still some crying, but you would still go in and soothe if he is getting distressed or cries are escalating,  but then go out again.  It takes a bit of time, patience and perseverance the first night..and helps if someone else is around to share it with you...but it does work.

Of course if there's OT there with the short naps it makes it harder as you're also trying to get the timing of BT right so you might want to find the EBT that works on short nap days and get the catch up sleep first then do the ST.

Good luck.

[Belleinfidele]

Hi

Our typical routine is as follows:

7:30 WU
8:30 breakfast
Activity

12:30 lunch
13:15 nap (takes about 30 min to get him to sleep)
15/15:30 WU
Activity

16ish snack

18:30 dinner
19:15 bedtime routine starts, asleep by 20

And this is on a good day, not now during transition period with the daycare.

About him falling asleep on his own: he has been "babywhispered" since one month old, but he has never been a good one to fall asleep. We've always had to stay with him. Before this trip it didn't take so much time, but the trip coincided with nap transitioning etc. Before it was just staying with him until he turned and tossed and dozed off, now it's patting like l wrote. So l'm not sure what method would work best.

[Scottishmummy]

Hmmm, my first thought is GW if he's used to you being in the room. You could try fading out the patting by patting less and less then stepping back to your normal place you stay, eventually just going to a stroke of his hair or a kiss on the head or something as part of good night routine & then work on sitting further and further out the room.

BUT would he get annoyed, frustrated if you're there but not patting him? If so then I would try WI/WO but when you say goodnight, pat him as part of good night and when you walk in pat until calm, but not asleep then walk out again, going back in if he needs you to calm him again. And repeat until he sleeps!

As I said in the last post, this will be tough the first few nights and it helps if someone else is there to share this with you..and we are here too to hold your hand
Xx

[Belleinfidele]

Hi, I also think WI/WO is better and more concrete. But two questions: isn't it too sudden? Laying him down, saying "good night" and leaving? I feel like there should be an introduction of some sorts...
But what if he becomes too upset? It can happen easily with him - he starts crying hysterically when he is OT (which he most definitely will be if we start a new routine) and will get up and get up and I'm not sure he can even be soothed at some point. Or is this normal when starting WI/WO? What do you do if you have a hysterical OT toddler in your hands?

I've always wanted to try it, because our bedtime sessions are becoming longer and longer. I would love for him to go to sleep on his own. But I'm afraid he's grown so used to either of us being in the room with him (although sometimes he does go to sleep when I step out for a moment if he has pooped, saying "I'm just tossing this out, but I'll be back if you want"). Ok, I'm rambling already, but I just want to add one more point - I think we will try it once it's clear he is settled at daycare; otherwise he'll go berserk what with the OTness etc.

Good night,
.

[Scottishmummy]

Hi...with WI/WO you wouldn't ever leave him to the point if being hysterical..you go back in as soon as you feel any crying is escalating and calm him..and if the phrase about "I'm going out for a minute but will come back you need me" works..use it..it basically describes WI/WO.

And yes, it will be easier at a time when he is settled at daycare and not too OT, so yes wait until he and you are ready (or until you're at the end of your tether with the patting and can't face it anymore!!)

[Belleinfidele]

The solution came from an unexpected source: he fell out of his crib and l had to use the travel bed, but it isn't a crib and so l can't pat him. He accepted the new situation quite quickly and now falls asleep much easier. Seems like he has regained the ability.

[Scottishmummy]

Ha ha whatever works  glad for you that self settling has returned