At the end of my rope -- 9w baby never naps alone

[arialvetica]

This is my third baby. I have been trying to write to this forum for advice for over a month, but every time I try to type a message she starts screaming.  She is screaming right now.  I don't even know where to begin asking for advice, or even explaining the extent of the problem.

Baby sleeps at night from 9pm-6am in bed with us.  She nurses several times in the night. I have no idea how often or what times, I don't have the energy to put on my glasses and look at the clock.

Our daytime routine revolves around my son's school schedule.

6:30-7:20 I get the 6yo and 3yo dressed and fed. I don't have time to shower or look in the mirror, but I usually manage to change out of my pajamas. During this time, baby is sometimes sleeping, but usually awake.  If she's awake, she just cries and fusses in the bed while I take care of the big kids. I don't know how else I can get them ready and out the door on time otherwise.  The crying/fussing makes me feel like crap, and it makes me irritable toward my big kids, which makes me feel like crap.  I change her diaper right before we leave for our school drive.

7:20-8:00 I drive my 6yo to school. Baby and 3yo are along for the ride, of course.  Baby sleeps.  This is her only nap for the morning.

8:00-2:25 We just kind of survive.  I spent most of the time cleaning up from breakfast, cleaning up from life, making lunch, cleaning up from lunch.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays my 3yo is in a "mom's morning out" program. I use that time to grocery shop, prep meals for the week, etc.  In between cooking/cleaning I try to get baby to sleep.  For example today I nursed her and laid with her from 10-11:30 -- she fell asleep at 11:30 but then I had to wake her to get the 3yo from the morning program.  Then when we got home I made lunch for the 3yo. I let the 3yo watch a movie while I laid with the baby for 2 hours trying to get her to sleep.  She fell asleep at 2:10, so I snuck away to try to write this post...she started screaming at 2:15.  It's now 2:23 and she is still screaming. 

2:25 - 3:10 we are in the car picking up my 6yo from school.  Baby sleeps.  This is her only nap for the afternoon.

3:10 - 7:00 I make a snack, clean up the snack.  Make dinner, clean up dinner.  My husband gets the big kids ready for bed, and then I FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY GET A BREAK FROM THE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He holds her for 30 minutes while I read stories to the kids.

7:30 I nurse baby over and over and over again, tanking up for bedtime. 

9:00 I go to bed, and take baby with me. 

I AM SO TIRED, SO EMOTIONALLY SPENT and feeling like a TERRIBLE MOM.  I wish this post was more coherent. I need help. 

[arialvetica]

She screamed the entire time I wrote that post, and now my alarm is going off saying it's time to get the 6yo from school.

[Haribo2012]

Ash sweetie massive hugs you sound so exhausted. Have you considered baby wearing her? This might get her to sleep more. My second son was a screamer and was diagnosed with bad reflux.
I pretty much wore him on my front for weeks and weeks until reflux was controlled, this included cooking, cleaning, napping even having a pee!

Does she have any symptoms of reflux like arching when feeding? Constant snacking can be a sign as the sucking can soothe it? If could be worth a visit to your dr!?

Have you tried a dummy?

You are not a terrible mum your just exhausted and she still little and needs you so the pressure is all on you, keep talking to us at least getting it off your chest can sometimes help.

x

[arialvetica]

Ok.  Deep breaths.  Things are a little calmer now so I will try to think clearly.

We offer her a pacifier, but she usually rejects it.  Sometimes she accepts it, but it isn't a reliable fix-all like it was for my 2nd child.

She does like the baby carrier! I had forgotten about it until I read your post, but she actually dozed in the carrier today while I grocery shopped for 45 minutes.  Napping in the carrier every nap, every day, isn't sustainable for me (I want to do things like bathe my daughter, take a shower, peel potatoes, etc.) BUT it may help us to get back on track and find a schedule that works for us.

At the end of the day, we put her in a Zen Sack (weighted sleep sack), lay her down, and give her a pacifier -- she usually falls asleep without any drama.  Most of the time I'm with her because I'm exhausted too, but the last two nights we put her down alone and she fell asleep independently. Tonight I even put her in a bassinet (instead of in our bed) and she didn't seem to mind at all! There's a ray of hope!

I think my top priorities are (1) figuring out a nap schedule and (2) getting her to take those naps in the bassinet.  I just don't know where to begin!

So, let's see... my ideal day would look something like this...

6:00 wake-up, nurse, and then play on playmat while I take care of the big kids' breakfast/clothes
7:20-8:10 stay awake for car ride! big brother can help for first half of ride
8:10 - 2:20 I'd like her to have a GOOD nap somewhere in here, but not sure when/how to do that.
2:20-3:10 stay awake for car ride! big brother can help for second half of ride
3:10 - 7:00 I suspect she needs a little nap somewhere in here, but not sure when/how to do that.
7:00 bedtime

Help me figure out how/when to try for those naps.

[Haribo2012]

Hi well I think I your first A might be a tad long, it averages about 1.15/1.30 hours at this age it could be your missing the window which I know is hard with school run...does she sleep in car seat as I’d prob let her at 7.20 then she’s had a nap.
Then prob aim for 9.30am and hope for a 1.5 nap but be ready to shoot in at 35/40 mins to put pressure or pat bum to see her through any jolts. Then another nap 12.30-2pm, then another 3.30-5pm then BT 7pm.
Easy on paper but some LO do CN a lot for first few months and possibly not always realistic to get nap in basket until she’s on a more predictable routine and often longer A times. I always tried for a least 1 long cot nap then winged it for the others for first few months with DS2. Have you tried white noise too?

I think with second and subsequent kids the routine is often not as good as with child 1 as other commitments make it impossible. Personally for us and others I know it’s been 12 weeks onwards when you can get a better routine.

[arialvetica]

Thank you! I'll give it a few days and see how it goes, and report back!

[arialvetica]

I wanted to check in -- things are so much better! What a difference a month makes!!!

My husband is doing school drop-off, which sets us up for a much better routine.  Our new schedule is much more sustainable!  Baby is napping 40-80 minutes at a time, and then is awake for 90-120 minutes at a time.  WHEW!  Thank you for cheering me on and comforting me in my hour of need! <3

[Haribo2012]

Great update 

[Pearla]

Hey,

I was just reading your post, and although we are only at 3 weeks old,  everything you have written sounds so like where I am now.  This is also my third albeit with a 7 year gap.  I remember the early days being tough but nothing I remember matches this.  My other two girls 9 and 7 are definitely suffering and I myself am exhausted,  irritable, and don't feel I'm spending any quality time with my girls.  Even simple tasks like helping with homework is one big mess.

Can I ask how you sorted things.  I'm currently using a dummy,  but I can already see this turning into a prop.....I can spend hours trying to get lo down.  Most often fails,  sometimes we will get a decent nap.  I can't figure the key!!  I don't mind using carry in pm/evening, but would like to get the morning naps in basket if poss and set up good seeing associations.

Any ideas how things improved, or was it purely time.

Thanks in advance.

[Haribo2012]

Hi there, it might be good to start your own thread if you haven’t already