Changing Routine a nightmare

[Gummi_bear63]

My son is 21 month old.  We’ve had a solid bedtime routine that works for some time. I unfortunately haven’t removed the bottle yet (which I know is terrible) but after having so many months of sleep issues I just wasn’t ready to tackle it until now. He’s very sensitive to changes in his routine. I’ve been trying to gradually change it.  The first night I turned on the light while he had his bottle and changing only this for three days. Then I introduced stories with the light on.  This had previously been removed because he got so upset when stories were done but thought I should try again. Without books what is there so a bedtime routine. It worked fine last night but tonight was a disaster.  He wasn’t upset books were over.  He said night night as usual and I put him into his crib but then bawled when I left.  If I go in he wants to be picked up and comforted but nothing I can do soothes him so I can leave. All this and I haven’t even attempted to reduce his bottle.  This happened a few months ago when I tried the same thing and I chickened out.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to be more gentle than this. Any ideas?

[creations]

The first night I turned on the light while he had his bottle and changing only this for three days. Then I introduced stories with the light on.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with what you are doing but I do wonder why you feel you need to do it.  The bottle can be weaned without any change to the rest of the routine and it looks like it's the light and stories which are too much of a change for your LO, especially as you haven't even made a start on cutting the bottle.
When I cut DS's BT bottle (at 12 months) I did everything very much the same as before.  First I introduced a pre BT supper a small solid snack with milk drink about half an hour or so before he went for his bath.  The rest of the BT routine went exactly the same. The only changes I made at BT was the amount of milk had been reduced (I did 30ml reduction and took with me a second bottle containing water in case he drained his milk...but he never drained his milk, that was just for my confidence).  Then continued with the rest of the wind down as normal (stand up for cuddle and song, into bed, key phrase, leave room).
I didn't do books at BT until my DS was about 4 or 5 years old. He had lots of book reading and snuggling up with books during the day but it just wasn't something that was suitable for his BT routine.  At BT he wanted to go to bed.  For some LOs having the light on or reading books is too stimulating and doesn't help their brains turn off and relax.

With the bottle wean, as I said I did a 30ml reduction and took a second bottle of water.  The plan went something like this:
- reduce by 30ml every 3 nights
- if the bottle is drained and LO fusses offer water
- if the bottle is not drained look at how much LO took and this is the amount he gets the following night (ie it is faster than 30ml every 3 days)
- when the last 30 ml is dropped only take a bottle of water to offer
- do all routine exactly as before only with the reduction in milk

I had planned for it to take 2 wks. It took more like 7 days and was the gentlest, easiest change I could have imagined. It was far smoother than I expected, I'd been quite worried and felt silly afterwards for having been so worried about it messing up our BT.  My DS was even taking a little milk and pushing the bottle away to show he was finished.  He then took a little water and even that he didn't want every night. I then switched from a bottle of water to a sippy cup which I left by his bed in case he needed a sip or drink and he still has that each night by his bed (or for a morning drink) now he is 7yo because it saves me having to get up to get him a drink if he has a dry mouth or a cough etc.

I hope that helps some.  Feel free to post your progress here for a hand to hold if you want

[Gummi_bear63]

I guess I felt like I was basically dunking him into his bed without stories but I agree they seem to be not working. Tonight he freaked and begged for more milk (quite the opposite than my end goal!) in desperation I gave him more but quit the stories and light. He still begged for more and cried when it was done but I cuddled and sang as normal and was able to distract him with his bunny and getting him to say night night and he let me leave. I’ll go back to normal for a few days I think and then try the milk plan you suggest. Thanks!

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If he is asking for more milk he could be hungry. The calming effect of the bottle should be possible with less milk and with the cuddles and support and a nice, regular, calm environment.  I would put in an earlier supper of solids and milk drink so he has the chance to eat and that really helps with reduction of the BT milk.  He doesn't want to be hungry at night and it's quite a long time to go for kids as they sleep longer nights than adults do.
He might relax more though once you go back to the usual routine, dim light, no books etc.

I guess I felt like I was basically dunking him into his bed

I know what you mean. I kind of felt like that too, I thought the BT routine would feel too short and not as loving but as it turned out it didn't feel like that at all.  Extra Mummy time (with or without books) can be given in the day/evening if you feel there is reduction of closeness at BT.

[Gummi_bear63]

I went back to normal for a few days. He actually started turning the bottle away with a few ounces left so I officially dropped an ounce. He then started drinking the whole thing. We did that three nights.  Then tonight I only dropped another half ounce because I was nervous. He cried and begged for more milk. He would take a bit of water bottle but then push it away and beg for more milk. I tried comforting him for awhile first but when nothing worked I cracked and gave him more milk as I was so worried he was actually hungry. His appetite is all over the map so it’s hard to tell. He had a snack but maybe not a big enough one.  He drank a bit then started pulling it out and talking which made me think he wasn’t really hungry. Then pushed it away undone and said night night.  After I left, he talked happily for a minute. Then he screamed bloody murder so I went right back in thinking he was stuck in the bars or something. He just wanted me to pick him up and then asked for bottle. I gave him what was left and then he wanted to cuddle and would not let go of his empty bottle.  He was still upset when I left but I gave him a minute and he settled. 

I know I’ve left this so long that he’s very attached to his bottle.  It’s like he knew what I’m trying to do even with those slight changes. Not sure how to proceed....

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He had a snack but maybe not a big enough one

I would give him a supper and as much as he wants to eat.  This is not about reducing his food/milk intake but rather about going to bed with a bottle.  The main reason for dropping the bottle isn't about LO's dependence to suck before sleeping to be honest, it's about tooth care.  Although milk is less damaging than other foods/juices if LO has a bottle immediately before sleep the milk is sitting on his teeth all night.  Personally I feel it is vital to move the milk to pre-teeth brushing even if he still takes a bottle.

There are lots of people here who might say they chose to keep the BT bottle well beyond 12 months as you have, but the high percentage of them mean taking a bottle of milk before teeth brushing.

You should ideally leave a 30 min gap between solids/milk and teeth brushing to ensure the teeth are not under attack during the brushing (when enamel is soft and can be damaged by brushing).  This doesn't need to happen tonight, or tomorrow night, but really I'd be looking to drop that BT milk in a short focused wean.

I've seen a bottle drop several times on the forums and never with upset.  If you give dinner as usual, then a large supper/snack of solids and milk 30- 45min before bath time then do bath, teeth, WD, bed he really should not be hungry. The habit and comfort sucking is both gradual but rapid over a number of days (max 2 wks).

There is a chance he may be picking up on your caution and worry of upsetting him. If you can be confident and positive about your approach and reasons you will come across and more certain and he will likely feel more comforted that this is the right thing.  For me, knowing about tooth decay and toddlers was my biggest motivation and helped me feel confident that it needed to be done.

You can do it