Weaning the emotional BFeeder

[mulvia]

Hello there! Would like opinions on DS2 BF habits..he's nearly 1 and eats pretty much everything, and quite a lot of it. He takes cow milk in the morning and sometimes during the day, and at the moment still takes 3/4 feeds: one early afternoon (usually right after I come back from work), sometimes one after dinner, and - sigh - the other two at night.
Night feeds are quite 'regular', first between 11 and 12 (BT is around , second between 3 and 4. Sometimes he takes the first one a bit later (let's say between 1 and 2) and then wakes again around 5 or 5.30.
He does seem thirsty, switches sides a few times, pulls off and motions to put him back in bed. At times he just flops down as soon as he latches on. It's the timing of them that makes me wonder if it's just used to it now.. I try to offer a dummy and sometimes he takes it, but sometimes he just flings it as far as he can and starts being louder, so I give in fairly quickly because he shares with DS1.
I'm almost positive that the day feeds are just for comfort (they happen about an hour after a full solid meal, and he goes from being distressed and whingy to happy as a clam) so I am wondering how to go about weaning so that it's not too hard on him. DS1 just kinda swapped each feed for a meal or snack and never asked again, so I didn't have to worry too much about the emotional side...
I may be wrong, but it feels that somehow it's disrupting his night sleep a bit, and it's also making DS1 jealous I think, to see that even now that DS2 CAN eat, he still gets to cuddle with mummy's milk..

[becj86]

I tried "don't offer, don't refuse" at this age and it backfired bigtime with my emotional DS. He didn't ask initially because I had previously just offered but he asked once on day three of this and he got milk, and again, then he cottoned on that I'd not refuse and we ended up with more feeds than we'd had previously and it became unmanageable.

I think you could potentially night wean whilst still feeding in the day by saying "boobies are sleeping", essentially.

DS1 just kinda swapped each feed for a meal or snack and never asked again, so I didn't have to worry too much about the emotional side...I may be wrong, but it feels that somehow it's disrupting his night sleep a bit, and it's also making DS1 jealous I think, to see that even now that DS2 CAN eat, he still gets to cuddle with mummy's milk..

See, I think here's a reason to keep going - DS1 was presumably ok without or he'd have asked, right? DS2 still needs that and its ok to parent two children differently if it means you're meeting their needs at the time. Maybe you can help your DS1 with the jealousy (he has to learn about how to deal with it at some point in life, why not whilst being supported by you whilst he's young?). Not sure if you have Trace Moroney's "When I'm feeling..." books where you are and in a language he understands but they are great if you do and there's one on jealousy.

[Katet]

Both of mine had a different response to BF once on regular solid food & now they are older they have very different temperaments... DS2 at 13 still spends time cuddled up to me (or DH) whereas DS1 had stopped doing that at about 10yo, so the need for skin to skin is greater in some people.

I found with the night feeds. Don't feed on the first wake up, worked for us. Sending Daddy in with a drink of water might be a good way & maybe so DS1 doesn't get disturbed, set up a bed on the floor in your room while you work on it.

[mulvia]

Thank you!

I tried "don't offer, don't refuse" at this age and it backfired bigtime with my emotional DS.

I did wonder about that - I haven't started the weaning seriously but a few times I have tried to skip or at least delay the 'back from work' feed because he is super quiet and happy when i'm not there, but starts whinging for it as soon as I walk in. He can be distracted from it but other times he gets really demanding.

Not sure if you have Trace Moroney's "When I'm feeling..." books where you are and in a language he understands but they are great if you do and there's one on jealousy.

Thanks! DS1 seems to actually work through things a lot with books so I'll definitely try.

Both of mine had a different response to BF once on regular solid food & now they are older they have very different temperaments.

Same here - we could tell the differences really early. DS1 is sensitive/spirited and doesn't like physical contact very much (or rather, he likes it through play more than through cuddles), whereas DS2 is angel/spirited and would be a permanent attachment if he could.

Would you both say night weaning before day time?

maybe so DS1 doesn't get disturbed, set up a bed on the floor in your room while you work on it.

You mean move DS1 with us and we deal with DS2 in their room? Would it be a big no-no to try this whilst on holiday?

[becj86]

Would you both say night weaning before day time?

I would and I'd recommend getting him through with no NFs really consistently for a good while before going for daytime. I fed til 2.5yo once I wrapped my head around it but I was certainly thinking only til 12 months initially and until DODR backfired like that.

[mulvia]

Yes, just over 12 months is what I'm aiming for as well, hence the will to start soon.

[mulvia]

Just wondering, is there a particular reason for night weaning to come first? Or any potential issue with doing the opposite?
I would looove to sleep uninterrupted as much as the next person (..or the next mommy ) however I'm aware that I can deal with that a bit longer...what I don't think I could stand is a toddler that chases me around the supermarket asking to BF...  I also think at night I don't have much else to distract him with, especially if DH is not home (he does shift work)...during the day I think he would accept some other distractions.

[*Ali*]

I suppose it's just because it's more usual for everyone to have their food during the day.  If you prefer to feed overnight though it's up to you.  Lots of people feed toddlers at morning wake up and bedtime only, and maybe even with a night feed too. It's completely possible to set boundaries if that's what you'd like to do.