Help my bad parenting habits are causing problems

[TiredTanya]

James is my lovely 17 month old son. Everyone always commented how it was lovely he was so cuddly. It is now a big problem. He has never settled himself to sleep. He has always been cuddled. He also associates sleep with stroking the persons hair who is getting him to sleep. It doesnt take long for him to nod off but I know I need to crack the habit as he now has a 3 month old brother and it is proving difficult if they both need settling at the same time.( using shush,pat with Kyle with great sucess) I am also considering transferring James into a big bed when I start his new routine. Not sure if this will be too traumatic though. Can you offer best advise on above problems, thanks

[elfin]

Hello,

What does his day look like?  What is his bedtime routine like?  Has he always been like this going to sleep, or is this something new?  What happens when you attempt to leave his room?

Post back and we will try and help!

[TiredTanya]

Hi, thanks for getting in touch. Awake for 6/6.30am. We are pushing back his sleep towards lunchtime at mo upto 11/11.30am he generally sleeps for a couple of hours. Bathtime around 7pm,bottle about 7.30pm and asleep usually b4 7.45pm. His younger brother is bathed and asleep b4 we start James' bath so it could be a bit later if Kyle doesnt settle himself. I am by self mon-fri with hubby help at w/ends. Whenever James needs comfort he will come for a hug and caress my hair until he feels happier again. He has always been cuddled to sleep including naps it normally takes between 5-10 mins to fall asleep.When I put him in his cot and he is not settled he will either have a tantrum and keep screaming or if he's exhausted he may cry for a couple of mins and then calm down but only sleep for 15-20 mins. Hope this helps.

[janac]

Tanya, we are having the same problems with Elizabeth. She has been always falling asleep either with me holding her (because she has been coming with me to work as well till now) or at night I lay down with her in her bed (we started that maybe 2 months ago) and than leave after she is asleep because she plays with my hair. But she still wakes up through the night and comes to our bed. And of course I am usually so tired after the day that I don't have the energy to get up and go back with her to her bed. Now my hubby comes home only on weekends, so I can't rely on help there during the week. But I know I can't continue doing this. So I started last night, after her bath a read her a story and set on a chair next to her bed until she fell asleep. She woke up maybe an hour after that and came out crying for me. So I went back back with her and she went to sleep (but trying to make me lay down with her). Than she woke up again maybe an hour and a half after that and unfortunately I was already asleep, so when she came to my bed I just took her and put her next to me. That much for my persistence. So I have to start today AGAIN, I am just not sure if I should be sitting on the chair next to her until she falls asleep or just put her down, leave the room and close the door (she can't open it on her own because we have door knobs) and than if she cries come back, put her down again and leave and do that until she falls asleep. I know this is going to be a battle but I have to win this one !

[elfin]

I also cuddled my son until he was asleep, although he was younger, 12 months old.  What I did was the walk in/walk out.  I would still cuddle him for a minute standing in his room, and then tell him night-night and put him in his crib and leave, as he would almost immediately stand right up and cry out.  I would wait no more than 10 seconds before going back in again, reassure him that I was there but kept it very simple and said night - night and then left again.  I would do this over and over agin until he no longer cried when I left.  I kept my visits short and sweet so he knew I was there if he needed me but that I was not coming in to play, and to give the clear message that it was time to go to sleep.

[TiredTanya]

You made me chuckle,Janac. My husband suggested getting a wig! Do you think this will help with the hair caressing? Only joking. Any thoughts on whether to start the new crying out routine in a big bed as we are fast approaching a time where Kyle is growing out of his moses basket and I am loath to buy another cot?

[janac]

You know that I thought about buying Elizabeth a doll with longer hair, so she can play with that?! But maybe if you buy a wig and put it on a stuffed animal for James, that could work too  .
If I would you I would probably try it in the crib if he is still in it. That way he can't try to escape  like from a big bed. That way maybe when you buy him a big bed he might need just few nights getting used to it but would be already able to fall asleep on his own.

Last night I put Elizabeth to bed, read a story to her and maybe after 15 minutes she was asleep. I was amazed. Unfortunately she woke up again maybe an hour after that, and than an hour after that. She didn't cray even once just came out to get me and than always went back to sleep in few minutes on her own.  But than sometimes through the night the little devil sneaked into my bed. I don't really remember. So I guess I am gonna have to put up a gate in her doorway .

Jana

[TiredTanya]

Well wish me luck I am going to try James starting friday. That way I have the hubby help over the first couple of nights. Will let all know how am getting on next week. Another mum came up with the idea of wearing a head scarf so he couldn't pull at my hair and I am going to give that a try.

[janac]

Don't worry Tanya, I am sure it will be fine. Elizabeth is able to go to sleep on her own now without me laying next to her. She gets up several times though the night though. But I guess it's few steps at a time.
Good idea with the scarf. I hope it will work for you. Just be patient and don't worry too much or James will pick up on that . Few nights ago when I was putting Elizabeth to bed I forgot to turn off my cell phone. Of course it rang maybe 3 times exactly when i didn't want it to ring. But I pretended that I can't hear anything, so she didn't even get up . Let me know how it went. Good luck !