Author Topic: need advice on how to leave room  (Read 1689 times)

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Offline ryan's mum

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need advice on how to leave room
« on: February 28, 2006, 13:45:16 pm »
hi , i have posted on a similar subject before , i am need of advice on how to leave the room BEFORE Ryan is asleep. i want to reclaim my evenings. there was a time where i could leave the room with him awake but because of our reflux rollercoaster ride (that we can't get off !)i have had to stay in the room to sit him up to relieve gas or to prevent him choking. this problem is a lot better now , he can just sit up on his own ,and then fall back asleep on his own. my main problem now is getting out of his room. i'm not sure from the advice i have had/read exactly how to go about it.
  for a week i have been inching closer to the door rather than lay down with him , but still waiting till he is asleep , so it seems to defeat what i'm trying to do , i'm still in the room up to an hour. he doesn't seem to check if i'm there or not as i don't communicate with him.
  last night i stayed in the room for 10mins till he was doing the staring into space stuff , then i kissed him ,tucked him in and said i would be back in 5mins . he was quiet for 15mins and then shouted for me , i left it longer as he wasn't crying but after calling 3 times he started to cry. i don't want him to cry too much as with reflux he will vomit. if i keep going back in the room every 5 mins although he is quiet , i end up waking him from a drowsy state and he thinks it's a game. the next 5 mins he sits up laughing at me.
   i know this has to be done as it's best for him , although after the last few weeks i am more than willing to stay in the room.
   last night it took from 7.30pm till 10pm for him to fall asleep , leaving the room seemed to make him lose trust in me , he wouldn't lay down out of fear i would leave the room , he held my hand to make sure i wouldn't leave.
   basically i'm not 100% how i go about doing this without losing trust. is there a chapter in the book that covers this ?
   i know i have to be consistent as lo's hate change of routine but just not sure how to do this without losing trust.
  nap time is not a problem as he's asleep in 10/15mins.
[img width= height=]http://tac.families.com/tickers/tdb.php?tid=1032165&ignore=1[/img]Ryan James 9 Nov 2003

[img width= height=]http://lafemmebonita.com/blinkies//Pregnancy%20and%20Babies/ILoveMySon.gif[/img]

son , I may have silver in my hair but you are the gold in my heart .

Offline milliesmaw

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Re: need advice on how to leave room
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2006, 20:06:57 pm »
Hi Ryan's mum - I was going to post a v similar question this evening. DD is almost the same age as your ds and after illness we ( or rather dh!) has been staying in the room with her until she is asleep. The thing is he lies down beside her and goes to sleep ::) So we too (or rather I) need a plan to get out of the room before she is asleep. She also has new big girl's bed so I'm thinking this might be tricky as she can escape ;)

Look forward to hearing suggestions and sorry to butt in on your post :-[

J
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Jo

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and Benjamin
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Offline chell

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Re: need advice on how to leave room
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2006, 20:10:21 pm »
Hi, gosh it all sounds very tricky for you and your little boy. I'm not sure how helpful I can be. From reading your post, it sounded as though on one occasion you were able to leave the room, just as he was drifting off but wasn't able to go to sleep completely, which he has been able to when you have stayed with him. It also sounds as though your lo may be anticipating your return every 5 mins, so is kind of waitng for you to come back,instead of allowing himself to drift off. I'm not sure how old your lo is, but I am wondering about using walk in /walk out. I also think it might be an idea to try going straight back to him when he calls for you the first time, tucking him in again and telling him it's time to sleep, then leaving, so that you don't break the trust which you have worked hard on. I guess it's going to be hard for you trying to avoid him crying, without creating a dependence.

Does anyone else have any ideas ???
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Offline ryan's mum

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Re: need advice on how to leave room
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2006, 22:43:12 pm »
my situation is exactly how you have said in your reply Chell.
  the last time i was able to leave the room with Ryan either drowsy or awake is when he was around 10 months old. everything changed here as his reflux had got really bad , between finding a medecine that was working for him , i had to do what i could to make him comfortable. he would toss and turn and not be able to settle to sleep , i was constantly having to sit him up and relieve his wind and the acid , because of this it was hard to just leave him to settle on his own as he was in a lot of discomfort.
    with the going back in every 5 mins it is stopping him nodding off as he waits to see me coming back in , like i said in last post , it's like a game to him .
      with the tuck him in , and goodnight , walk out , the more i do it the quicker he is to call me! if i do it more than a few times this is when he cries the minute i move from his bed.
     as i don't know a way around this without distressing him and losing trust , it seems i may have to hold off and maybe wait till he is older and try and bargain with him , explain a bit more about what's going to happen.
     after the herondous night we had last night , he fell asleep within 30mins tonight but actually checked if i was there with him , which is not something he has done before. he will let me sit on the edge of his bed now rather than lay down. he has such a small room so the inching the chair closer to the door doesn't really work as his door is at the end of his bed !
      thanks for your reply , i shall try looking through tracy's book to see if i can find anything in there.


p.s  i don't mind you joining my post Jo , hope you are able to resolve your problem , if you do let me know how you managed.
[img width= height=]http://tac.families.com/tickers/tdb.php?tid=1032165&ignore=1[/img]Ryan James 9 Nov 2003

[img width= height=]http://lafemmebonita.com/blinkies//Pregnancy%20and%20Babies/ILoveMySon.gif[/img]

son , I may have silver in my hair but you are the gold in my heart .

Offline rach

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Re: need advice on how to leave room
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2006, 23:13:49 pm »
I've had a look through Tracy's book to see what I can find.  Although the following isn't exactly your situation, it may help ...

This was taken from Tracy's last book - pg 279.  The book refers to a boy who needs to be rocked to sleep, as soon as the parents try to leave the room he'll cry.  The same thing happens at nap times and this situation has been going on for around 18 months.

Tracy suggests a 2-part plan ...

Firstly he needs to be put into his crib/bed without rocking and if he starts to cry, use PD.  His parents should stay with him to show that they're physically there for him, but shouldn't talk to him.  Under no circumstances should they pick him up, if need be, they should use comforting words such as 'its ok, we're just going to sleep'.  At this age (between 2-3) he understands everything.

Tracy also suggests using a chair/blow up bed to reinforce trust that parents aren't going to leave them.  As they expect that you're going to leave, they will check to see if you're there.  In extreme cases, on the first night the parent needs to sleep on the blow up bed, along side the crib/bed to start.  The suggestion is that they should be able to move the chair/bed slowly more and more towards the door every 3rd night (but I understand space is an issue to do this).

Not sure if any of this will be helpful, I hope it has.  Keep us posted.

Rachel xx
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Offline TaylorsDad

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Re: need advice on how to leave room
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2006, 11:48:00 am »
Hi, We have a similar problem...

Getting our son to bed isn't too bad (We are moving slowly towards the door). He has dropped his naps so is usually very tired come 7.30.  But can this technique work through the night?

We have been trying for about a week and the night wakings are getting more frequent, usually about hour after he has fallen asleep he wakes back up. THis was starting at around 3am, then midnight and last night it began at 10.30..

We are a very tired household right now and our 2.5yrd son has turnd into a classic terrible 2 yr old during the day.

He has an 8 week old sister which we know is a major part of the problem but we just don't know how to deal with it..

What I want to know is, if we get to the door where he can't see us, will he then be able to settle himself better when he wakes at night?

Tim

Offline rach

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Re: need advice on how to leave room
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2006, 23:15:23 pm »
Hi Tim

Sorry you're all having such a hard time at the moment, i've read your separate post and congratulations on getting on as well as you have so far.

With regards to your question on this thread, the idea with gradually moving closer to the door and then out of site is to build up your little one's trust that they're not being abandoned, by going through this process slowly, they feel safe and secure enough to be able to fall asleep even when you're out of sight, which should be the case with night wakings also.  My dd will fall asleep on her own when I put her to bed, I quite often hear her chatting away to her toys before she drifts off.  If she does wake in the night, sometimes she will settle herself back to sleep on her own, and sometimes I have to go into her.  I tell her that its nighttime or sleeptime and lay her back down.  Usually this is all it takes, if she's having a particularly hard time, I will sit there, not saying anything, no eye contact, until she starts to drift off again or is asleep.  I've currently got this problem as dd has been ill, she's waking in the night and is having problems settling herself back down to sleep, its going to take a few nights to break the habit of her waking - I know how you feel, the night wakings kill me - can't wait for the fun with ds arrives!

Hope this helps!
Rach xx

Offline ryan's mum

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Re: need advice on how to leave room
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2006, 15:31:58 pm »
thanks for all your advice, since writting my post things have improved a whole lot , i'm still in his room , but he falls asleep within 30mins like he used to.
   we worked on waking from nap , as he was having too long and moved bedtime back to 7.30pm , have been giving him a bath everynight again. so now i intend on cutting the bath back to every other night again and see if it's the nap and later bed that was the problem of taking soo long to nod off.
   i will still try and work on the leaving the room but make it more gradual as i really don't want to lose his trust. right now i'm happy with spending 30 mins in his room.
[img width= height=]http://tac.families.com/tickers/tdb.php?tid=1032165&ignore=1[/img]Ryan James 9 Nov 2003

[img width= height=]http://lafemmebonita.com/blinkies//Pregnancy%20and%20Babies/ILoveMySon.gif[/img]

son , I may have silver in my hair but you are the gold in my heart .

Offline rach

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Re: need advice on how to leave room
« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2006, 00:15:41 am »
Thanks for keeping us updated, i'm pleased to hear that things are improving.  Like you, I could live with spending 30 mins with my little one to help them settle themselves off.  Keep us posted with your progress!

Rachel xx
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