10 month old - separation anxiety?

[Rachel's Mum]

My 10 month old DD has recently gone from a pretty good sleeper to one who can't go to sleep without screaming, and is waking up frequently overnight and needed a huge amount of reasurrance to drop off again.  I have read quite a few posts about separation anxiety and developmental milestones, but I just really want somebody to reassure me that this is probably what it is, I'm doing the right thing, and it will get better eventually.

Routine pre-difficulties

6.30 awake and bf (both sides)
8.00 breakfast
10.00 nap
11.30 wake and lunch
2.00 nap
3.00 wake and bottle (about 4oz)
5.00 dinner
6.00 bath, bf (both sides), book
7.00 sleep

She would normally wake once in the night around 5ish for a really good feed (both sides) and drop straight back off to sleep.  I had no problems with this - I get to bed early so was getting plenty of sleep, it made me feel more confident about her milk intake, and it gave us some time together (I work full-time).

So - in the last two weeks she:

1. has had Mummy and Daddy at home around as we've both been off on holiday
2. went to stay with my parents-in-law for 4 nights
3. has had my sister visiting for two nights
4. has learnt to crawl really fast, then pull herself up, and now show signs of starting to cruise.

She is very clingy in the day, will refuse to go to Daddy and spends most of her waking time clambering over me in an attempt to get closer to me (although this morning I got a fabulous lie in, and she was fine with Daddy - I assume she doesn't really notice I'm not there to start with, it's only when I leave!!).

She's taking about an hour to settle at bedtime now.  I've given up trying to leave her to settle herself (which is what she always used to do with a few mantra cries at most) and I'm just sitting beside her in her cot stroking her hair and rubbing her back and reassuring her.  It's a similar routine at naps, but luckily doesn't take so long.

She is now waking in the early morning, and cannot put herself back to sleep, even after a feed.  This morning she woke at 4.30am, and I spent an hour in her room stroking her back until she eventually fell asleep.  She is really restless - she's a tummy sleeper now, and her head keeps on popping up, she keeps getting onto her knees (and sitting if I'm not quick enough), she keeps on turning her head, and even if she's lying down her legs seem to be constantly wriggling.

I feel so bad for not being able to settle her - she was always great before - a bit of a hug, she'd get all dozy, I'd put her in bed and she'd give me a huge smile, turn over, and pass out!  She does have a fluffy bunny in her bed - but generally she enjoys it more when she wakes up, as she sits an chatters away to it.

Is there anything more I can do for her?  I'm getting quite frustrated with her at some points, and that really upsets me, but I think knowing that I'm doing all I can will help me feel calmer.  Thanks in advance for your, as always, invaluable help, and sorry for the ridiculous length of the post!!

[LaurensMama]

Rachel's Mum,

My daughter is also 10 months old and I am experiencing the same thing. Until recently, she was a pretty good sleeper. Now, she generally goes to sleep well but wakes up around 11pm and it takes us hours to get her to go back to sleep. Unless, I am holding her she screams her head off. I don't know what to do so unfortunately, I end up being inconsistent. At first, I tried to hold her and sooth her. Then I try to pick her up and put her down. Then I get frustrated and let her cry for 15-20 minutes at a time. If that doesn't work, I hold her until she is totally asleep. Sometimes, I kneel on the floor rubbing her and trying to calm her.

She has also started to be very clingy to me. And will even clammer to get away from Dad and my sister who takes care of her during the day and who she loves.

I don't know what to do. I work full time but other than that time I am usually with her all the time. I am starting to feel guilty -- if I didn't work (which I have to do) then maybe she wouldn't be so clingy. I thought about trying to take a few days off next week to spend with her. But I don't know if that really will help. Is separation anxiety about not getting enough time with mom or is it about being away from mom regardless of how much time is spent?

I think it is definitely separation anxiety that keeps her awake. I also don't want her to have a negative association with her crib. My husband and I have to get some sleep. This has only been going on for about a week but seems to be getting more frequent.

I hope someone that has some experience with this will respond. I feel better knowing that I'm not the only mom going through this.

Thanks,
LaurensMama

[Rachel's Mum]

Laurens Mama,

So sorry to hear you're suffering too, but also glad to hear we're not alone.

We had a really rough night last night - Rachel also woke at 11, and I ended up pushing her round the block in her buggy at 2.30am to get her to sleep.  We went on a bit of a spending spree today - bought her some new toys in case she's getting bored during the day and isn't burning off enough energy, and also a CD player for her room - we're going to try quiet music and see if that works.

I think one of my issues is a worry about the next door neighbours - we're in a mid-terrace house and I feel so bad about keeping them awake when Rachel is screaming I'll do anything - which is probably absolutely the worst thing to do...

I'll keep my fingers crossed for a better night for you tonight - do the same for us, especially as we're back to work tomorrow...

[LaurensMama]

Well, things didn't go so well last night. Although as I was standing by my daughter's crib trying to pat/shh & PU/PD her back to sleep, I did think about all the other moms that were trying to get their lo back to sleep. It made me feel a little better. 

I can understand how you feel about your neighbors. Do you know if they can hear you?

I definitely made some mistakes last night that I can share with you.

First, at some point, I tried to play her sleepy time music. I put this on as part of her bedtime routine. Last night, I put it on when she woke in the middle of the night.
Second, I had the lights dim (we often leave the lights on but very dim in her room).
Third, I stood by her crib the entire time (11pm-2am) b/c I was afraid of terrifying her due to separation anxiety.
Fourth, I said my soothing phrases way to much. I usually don't talk to her at night expect maybe whisper something once or twice.

I think the combination of those things only served to stimulate her. Once I turned the lights off (music was already off) and shut up, she quieted down when I picked her up. Eventually, she fell asleep on her own, woke up a few more times but quieted down quickly with some pat/shh and then finally feel asleep.

Overall, for my first night of really trying to sooth her in the crib and PU/PD only when I have to, it wasn't a total failure - although I'm very tired.

My biggest problem is that before I was getting lazy about putting her in her crib awake and then for the night wakings my husband and I would pick her up till she fell back asleep. Add in a little seperation anxiety and it is no wonder I'm having trouble.

Does your lo wake up at the same time every night? Mine wakes up around 11pm. Do you know what W2s stands for? I get the impression that it means going in before their usual wake up time, stir them so they start another sleep cycle. What do you know about this?

I hope things go better for you. Let me know how it is to go back to work. I went back after 4 months. My sister keeps my daughter so I have a little comfort in that. I wish I could be with her during the day though.

Take care.

[teezee]

i don't have much time but i looked over your routine and just noticed that the morning A time is longer than the pm A time (before pm nap) and thought that maybe if you extended the pm A time (before the nap) maybe that would help. i know that i had this problem with my lo at around 9 months and it was a matter of tweaking A times and nap times. i find that now she is best on about 2-2.5hrs naps/day and 11 hrs at night. if she gets even 15 min more sleep during the day it really affects the night time.

again, haven't read through everything as of yet..but does your lo have a lovey or a blankie? if it is separation anxiety also you may want to get lo one (if not already) and make sure you sleep with it for a night and get your scent all over it - my lo had an old tshirt of mine from about 6 months and just recently acquired more of an attachment to the teddy bear in her crib - so it really did work for about 4 months.

[misha]

My guy just barely turned 9 months but we are going through something similar. He had never cried during the night, but only started sleeping through at 7 months (jet-lag related, poor guy).
All of a sudden he has started waking and won't be put back to sleep. First happened while on vacation and I nursed him back to sleep, until 1 night he was more awake than ever. Would cry as soon as I would lie him down etc.

Now, he's starting to wake habitually so I think I've created a monster.

Last night I did PU/PD for the first time. I was with him from 2-4am, but he eventually dropped off. I am scannign the boards now as it is 11pm here and I am crossing my fingers he stays asleep tonight! PU/PD is hard!!! I can't even lie him down properly w/o bumping into the crib or unsettling him in some way

I think the movement aspect is hard for them to work out- he's just about to crawl and as you said above, I think he wakes and wants to practice.

We have absolutely no problems goign to sleep at night or even at naps... what about you?

We are not alone

[teezee]

michelle could you post lo's routine?

[Rachel's Mum]

I kept on delaying posting here in the hope that the next time I updated it would be with good news...

Things are not really getting any better here.  Today has been a classic example of confusion over what we're doing wrong.  Rachel woke up at 6.30am, by 9.30am she was looking tired, so I took her upstairs, let her look out of her window for a bit, and after about 2 minutes she put her head on my shoulder.  I gave her a kiss, lay her down in her cot, she gave me a great big smile, rolled over and went to sleep.  She woke up at 11.00am bright and breezy, and I left her to chatter away to bunny for 5 minutes before I went and picked her up.

Come 2pm she looks sleepy again, so I go through exactly the same process, only this time she doesn't calm down.  She wriggles, pounds her legs, scratches at my face and screams blue murder whether I hold her or not.  Eventually after 40 minutes my husband refuses to let me go through any more of this, and takes her out in her buggy where she falls asleep after about 20 minutes out of the house.

We've just managed to get her to sleep for the evening.  Standard routine - bath, bottle (I finally worked out why she kept biting me - I just wasn't producing enough milk for her anymore), book, quick cuddle and then into her sleeping bag.  She always used to roll over and sleep, but tonight (as has been the case for so many nights now) she has screamed when I leave her, screamed when I stay, or pick her up, or put her back down after she sits up.  The only thing that seems to calm her is if I rub her back gently while she's lying down.  It's just the look on her face - she just can't seem to close her eyes and she looks so desperate...

I'm pretty sure she'll wake up at about 10pm screaming like she's broken her leg, and will take about an hour and a half to get back to sleep as she has done for the last week.  And then she'll probably be up again at 2am, and then probably 5am as well.

Now I'm just using this post as a way of getting it off my chest!  I hope desperately that the rest of you are having more luck than we are... and if you are then tell me what you've done!!

[teezee]

i def think that you need to extend lo's A time if it is only at 3 hrs at this point. she will seem tired as she is used to going to sleep at 'set' times in her routine kwim? slowly extend these A times...the am one may be ok but i would try to shoot for at least 3.25 hrs, the pm A time i would shoot for at least 3.5hrs..every lo is different and if after a couple days it isn't helping go  back to how it was or tweak another way kwim? but something is 'off' between lo and the routine and it is up to you to solve the puzzle (that is exactly what it is - balance the time with the baby!)

2.5hrs naps/day 'may' be a little bit long for a lo this age. maybe try cutting it down by 15 min or so and see if that helps at all.

i understand it is stressful for you and your dh but if you can't/aren't going to be consistant than it is better to always take her in the buggy as lo will take longer to 'sleep train' and just be confused as to why sometimes she gets this and other times she gets this...and 'if i cry and do this - i get this'...kwim?? 

[Katet]

sounds 100% like separation anxiety to me (having just gone through it) you described my life at 9.5mo to a Tee.

You are doing what I think is the best thing, re-assuring her you are there for her. Cos you work, it will be worse (I found that myself)  & she DOES need to know you are there for her, give it a month or so of staying with her when she goes down for naps, be consistent in patting calming her & when you feel she is less "clingy" in the day time, see if you can leave when she is calm, sometimes you migh thave to go back & forth, others I needed to stay the whole time & others he settled.

I also do think that if she is waking at 11am, I'd try going to 2.30pm for the next nap.

I know it is hard going coping with it, I've been through it 2x with my ds#1 & now once with ds#2 (will expect #2 time around 15-18m0 ... but something that encouraged me is that it is a very NORMAL developmental stage, btw it doesn't mean babies who don't go through this stage aren't developing, just different temperaments react in different ways.

[mthyne]

I just want to make sure no one is feeling guilty for working.  I do agree that it is hard on kids when they say goodbye to mama every morning (they love us so much!), but right now I stay at home with my ds and he is so much worse separation-wise than my dd ever was! (I worked part-time when she was younger).  My ds flips out every time he can't see me, no matter who's in the room with him (unless it's his sister!), and it is tough!  So, I'm sorry I don't really have any fail-safe way to stop the SA, but I agree with Katet and Teezee.  Try extending A time (maybe try a snack?  That always perks ds up for about 15 min), and be consistent.  The less you falter on those tough nights and naps, the quicker it will pay off.  I understand about the neighbors, but it's better to get your babies back on track than having them upset night after night.  In the long run everyone will sleep better that way.
I wish you  much luck.  Let us know how it goes.
Melissa

[Katet]

Just want to clarify, my comments on working were not to make anyone feel bad, but that some babies have a bigger need for "mummy time" (seems to be often boys, although not always) & that by the mother working they do seem to suffer separation anxiety to a greater degree. I found separation anxiety bad with ds#2, but shocking with ds#1 (when I worked)

[mthyne]

Oh--I certainly wasn't trying to start any issue Katet.  Sorry!  I was just adding my two cents about my two kids and the experience I had working/not working.  The boy thing is an interesting point.  Alex is so much worse than Penelope ever was.  Suppose Freud was right?