Why lo won't take the breast anymore?

[Chrissy]

Hello,
I'm very saddened that my lo, only 4 mos. next week, won't take the breast anymore.  He has been on a "breast strike" for about 3-4 weeks.  I have heard that it's normal for babies to reject the breast for a few days, but it's been way longer than this.  I'm determined to turn this around, so I still start every feeding offering the breast.  He'll take it for about 3 min. or so, then pull off and refuse to go back.  Then I'll switch sides, and he may or may not take the other side (for about the same time.)  He started doing this at 12 weeks and I know that's common for babies at this age to be more distracted at feeds...he would rather look around then be at the breast.  This is why he prefers the bottle, because he can look around while he eats. 
A couple weeks back, being so determined to stop the bottle feeds, that the persistence paid off because he was back on for a full feed (it would take an hour to feed him, since he pulled off so many times, but at least he was bfeeding)...but then now, he's resorted back to square one.  FYI, I went back to work part time when he was 11 weeks, and I can't stop feeling like this is partly to blame for this, too.  Not only does he like the way the bottle allows him to look around, (and he can control the flow), but he is used to getting bottles from his caregiver 3 days a week. The guilt is killing me...it's so upsetting that I've even considered telling my employer that I can't continue to work. 
I know that when he's with me, after a day of being away from each other, he should be getting his feeds from the breast, but he'll cry until he gets the bottle.  I can't help but feel very rejected.  I've tried holding out, and not offering him the bottle when he cried for so long, but it started to affect his sleep (no food = no sleep!)  Is it worth it to continue to struggle with him and offer the breast every time, or is this "self-weaning" normal?  I don't mind pumping EBM for his every feed, but does anyone have any other suggestions???  I'm afraid that by pumping his every feed that my milk supply will diminish (we all know the pump is not as efficient as the baby.)
I feel like I've tried everything, but what am I missing??!!
Thanks in advance for any advice! 

[deb]

I can only share my own experiences, however helpful (or not?) they may be:

Josie, now 4, happily nursed till over 15 months. At the beginning we had a VERY VERY hard time nursing, and ended up bottlefeeding at night so my nipples could heal - she really wounded me pretty badly.  The day I finally gave in and gave her her first bottle of formula because she was losing weight and I just couldn't face the pain again that day, I remember the look of peace and gratitude on her face, and I remember the relief I felt being able to feed her at all, even if it wasn't nursing and it wasn't even breast milk. She was a pretty slow nurser at first too, but we got the job done, and around 3 months feeds began to go much quicker. She took to solids well, but still preferred to nurse most of all, and even gave up bottles for good around 8 months. (no more babysitting! )

Natalie, on the other hand, was a great nurser from the get-go. I always felt like I had enough milk to feed the whole neighborhood (had there been any other babies who needed it LOL), and she'd be FINISHED and full in 5-10 minutes TOTAL. She REFUSED to take a bottle, which made it pretty hard for me to get away for any length of time. One day we offered her a cup with a straw and she took to that so well that after a couple days she wanted nothing to do with the breast any more. Didn't matter that it only took her five minutes to feed - it only took HALF a minute to drink 6-8 ounces through a straw.

This was at just before 11 months (about a month ago that we first tried the straw), and my supply finally went away. I was kind of bummed, because things had started out so well with Nat that I was sure we'd be nursing long-term, but she made up her mind and there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it. (Stubborn little Taurus! LOL) At this point I have to look on the bright side: she doesn't NEED to have me around to be fed or have milk, so I can actually spend some time away or DH can take her to visit his family and leave me with Josie for quality time (or take them both! LOL ); I can take allergy meds again w/o worrying about their effect on her; I can overcaffienate without worry too; no worries about watching which foods I'm eating that might upset her tummy.

Do I miss being able to just bare a breast and pop her on when she needs some comfort? Well, yes, I still DO miss that a little, but at the same time, I have to realize that Josie nursing for so long was part of who SHE was, and this is who Nat is, and no amount of wishing is going to change that. She's still a Mommy's girl, likes to snuggle with me at bedtime and naptime and runs to me for hugs when she's hurt, and if I obsess over the nursing thing then I'll miss the sweetness of all the other snuggles.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that feeling guilty is certainly natural, but while you might not be able to change your DS's preferences, you CAN 9eventually) change the way you react to the situation. If he has decided not to go back, you may or may not be able to change his preferences, but if his assertiveness is part of his personality then you CAN still embrace that and love it. You can certainly pump for as long as your supply lets you and save it for him in a bottle for the caregiver; that way if he never does go back to the breast, he's still getting your milk for as long as your body will make it. Many moms don't nurse for as long as you have; some never nurse at all, some make it longer, and their reasons for each choice vary by family and by mom and by baby. You've made it this far, and you can keep trying, but give yourself permission not to beat yourself up if he prefers the bottle. You're doing the best you can as his mom, and nobody in the world can find any valid fault with that.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you!

[daisymelan]

Deb, thank you for sharing your experiences.  I think there is some great great advice in there.

Chrissy,  Have you tried taking him to a room with no stimulation?  Then there is nothing to look at?  Or have you tried a nursing necklace to help keep his interest on you? 

Do you pump after you nurse to help keep your supply up?  The more you lose your supply, the less he will get and the fussier he will likely be come, so I would advise pumping.

Hopefully you can find a solution that will suit both of you.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} hun

[Petunia]

Do you think your let down has slowed down?  If your let down used to be faster, and if you used to have a real nice tank of milk at the beginning of feeds, he may be getting frustrated because now breastfeeding is harder.  Your body may have simply figured out that it doesn't need to have so much milk so readily available and therefore your let down would be slower.  It may be that he gets these nice, quick bottles during the day and then he has to work to get milk from you so he's frustrated.  Do you think that's a possible cause of his refusal?

If it is, you could prime your breasts with a pump until let down and then put him on the breast.

You could also try a nipple on the bottle that makes it more work for him to get the milk, something close to the breastfeeding experience, if you're not already.  This may help him to not equate the bottle with 'easy and quick' and mommy with 'difficult and slow'.

[lwwho]

Hi Chrissy,

Just wanted to tell you that I so understand what you are going through. My LO did the exact thing at around the same time (4.5mths) when I went back to work.  I posted on this board numerous times for support cos I too went through the guilt, the rejection and deep deep sadness when she refused to nurse. There was no way I could avoid giving her the bottle cos I work full time, but I did change all the teats to the slowest flow. I've struggled with her for the past 3.5mths (she's now 8 mths). She initially refused to take the breast AT ALL!NOw,  I've resigned myself to the fact that she absolutely will NOT take the breast in the day. However, in the evening, after her bath, she may occasionally humor me and nurse for a while. She still wakes for the middle of the night feed (which I am ever grateful for!) and most times will nurse. What helped was for me to induce a letdown first before putting her to the breast... I do this every single time now which is a little stressful for me cos it takes some time to get it. I wish I'd read earlier what Deb has posted on this thread. That is a really positive outlook... I've come to realise that it takes 2 to make bf work. I gave it my all... and if my LO has decided otherwise, I just had to come to terms with the fact that she is growing into her own little person with her own preferences. I still give her EBM ( I pump 3hrly) . It is possible to maintain a supply even if you pump exclusively.