12 month old only naps in my arms or for 20 min...what to do?

[AlliesMom]

We have a bit of accidental parenting at work here and I'm not sure how to fix it without having my daughter cry her heart out and I just can't do that.  I never have been comfortable with that.  She's never been a very good napper, used to only nap an hour at a time, but now she will sleep for longer if I'm holding her (which started when she had a very bad cold with nasty congestion and couldn't breathe well when lying down).  She used to have bad reflux, very gassy, wouldn't burp well and that would bother her when sleeping sometimes also, so I've never let her just lie there and cry because it was usually something that was really bothering her.  She's finally going to be seen by a GI specialist in a couple of weeks, but it's not anywhere near as much of an issue as it used to be.

Anyway, she falls asleep in my arms and if I try to lay her down, she often wakes up right away or within 20 minutes.  If I hold her, she's fine and if she stirs, she just looks at me and settles right back down again for her full nap until she wakes up happy.  She has about 3 naps a day.  Her schedule looks something like this:
7am wake and bottle feed
8am breakfast of solids
9:30ish short morning nap of 45 min to an hour
11am bottle about 4oz or so
12pm lunch
1:30pm nap
3:00ish bottle about 4oz or so
4:00pm short nap again until she wakes up if she seems tired, sometimes she skips this one
5:30 or 6pm supper
7pm bottle 6oz and then to bed by 8 or sooner(She falls asleep in my arms here too but putting her in bed at night is not a problem.)

She plays with my hair to help her fall asleep and gets upset if she doesn't have it.  That started after the summer because I have my hair up in the summer, too hot otherwise.  Now she needs hair.  She has a blankie that she holds too and sometimes will rub her own head but not if I'm around.  She takes her paci too, but she's good at putting that back in if it falls out most of the time.

Last Monday, I had her asleep and laid her down in bed, she woke right up.  I spent 45 minutes doing pu/pd with her.  She didn't fuss too much, just a little whining and a lot of moving around and sitting up, but then she pooped her britches and I had to change her.  She doesn't lie still long enough to allow herself to drift off and likes to be in a smaller space, more confined (like my arms), but that's not possible in her crib.  I was also seeing stars by the end of that 45 minutes, my legs were shaking and my fingers were all swollen.  I'm currently 11 weeks pregnant and not having as easy of a go at it this time around and get tired so easily and have been really nauseous.  So....if she at least naps when I hold her, then I know I can catch a much needed break too.  HOWEVER, this routine is not going to work at all when the new baby arrives and I also know I have about 7 months to get her to fall asleep on her own and nap better on her own.  Ideally, I'd like to be able to lay her in her bed awake for her naps and just have her fall asleep on her own, but I'm not sure how to get there.

I have on occasion, usually in the middle of the night, had to climb in her crib with her to get her to relax enough to fall back asleep, but I'm afraid that I'm going to get way too big to do that and break her bed!  Plus she really does need to learn to do this on her own.  I just don't know the best way to teach her.

Does anyone have suggestions for a naptime routine and steps on how to get me to that goal?  Allie's such a good girl and she really does trust me.  It's just going to be hard to break this habit.  I need to have a very clear plan of action before I start in earnest working on this.  Any help would be so much appreciated!

Dawn

[Layla]

Hi Dawn & welcome to the board !!! . Also congratulation on your pregnancy  .

There will need to be some changes done but it is very possible and we are all here to support you. We will get to the bottom of this and you will be able to eventually put your lo down awake and leave for her to fall asleep on her own.

These are my suggestions:
Sleep training - first of, yes there may/will be some crying but the key here is that you are not leaving her to cry her heart out (like you would if you let her cry it out or use controlled crying). The BW methods for toddlers are gentle on babies and you are there with her daughter, helping her learn something very valuable - being independant sleep! Here's a link btw to sleep training methods for toddlers: - https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=63896.0
This is a link to help you decide which method to chose: - https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=80750.0

We don't do pu its just pd for toddlers. Given that she is so attached to you at the moment, I would probably start with GW but if you don't see much improvement, move onto pd OR wi/wo. As I mentioned earlier, it may involve some crying but she is only crying because its something new and she needs to learn how to self-soothe. You are there to help her & at the same time you are taking yourself away from the picture. Think of your ultimate goal & be consistent. If you give up and hold her then all that crying is a waste. She will learn that eventually you will just pick her up if she cried longer and longer.

Naps - At 13 months, she should be taking 2 naps. I would keep the morning nap & afternoon nap but don't let her nap at 4pm. Instead, bring her bedtime forward to say 7pm (that is in bed at 7pm). She really needs around 11 hrs of sleep at night.
Have you tried to give her a really soft teddy bear/toy so that she can make the transition from playing with your hair to stroking a teddy instead. Isabella has a really soft one & soft blanket and she usually plays with before she goes to sleep.

Night - If she wakes at night, I would again stick to the method you have chosen. Don't climb into the crib. It is so easy for them to get used to it and again, you are trying to teach her that she does not need you to fall back asleep when she wakes at night.

Bedtime & naptime routine - you can do anything here to set a calming mood & have her relaxed for a nap/at bedtime. We do: lunch (or 1/2 lunch and then other 1/2 when she wakes up), brush teeth, go to room with milk in sippy cup, on the potty, read about 5 books, I sing her about 3 songs & then into cot. I give her her Teddy, give Teddy a kiss & say "have a good nap & I'll see you soon" and then give her a kiss and say the same thing & leave. At night I give teddy a kiss and say "Good night, sweet dreams" & then give her a kiss and say the same. It takes about 30mins all up. Some do beter on no winddown but mine likes a long winddown and seems to do better than if I just put her in cot. At night, we do a bath after dinner & the rest is pretty much the same. I would also do an extra long wind down routine. Lots of cuddles and kisses. Get her nice and sleepy and hopefully she won't fight you so much when you leave her.

Plan of action - chose a method of training & stick to it. Make sure she is sleeping well at night so put her to bed earlier for now to let her catch up on some sleep as well (start with 7pm). Naps at the right time - so 1 morning nap no more than 45mins and then an afternoon nap. Don't let her sleep in late evening as this can affect night sleep. If she wakes at night, stick to your method of training. Try and not get into any type of AP. Don't replace one thing with another. Get her a soft toy so she can pat that instead of your hair.

This is possible and you will get there.
Let me know what you think
Layla

[AlliesMom]

Thanks, Layla, for the advice!  I've read up on the methods, but I'm still a little confused.  It seems that PD and WI/WO are much more direct than GW; however, it sounds like GW is what I should use.  Allie's never been left to just cry it out.  I can't stand that, but she has cried so hard on some occasions that she has thrown up...due to the weak gag reflex she has that we're seeing the doctor about in a couple of weeks, finally!  I can't fit my hand through the slats in her crib, so I have to stand up and lean over the crib to keep my hand on her now.  That's very hard on me.  When I did this on Monday of last week, I tried to sit on a stool next to the crib and every time I sat down, she stood up to look over the side.  If I was standing, she'd either sit in there or stay lying down.  I could carry a taller stool in there and sit on that and do PD that way and just sit where she can still see me.  Or do you think it might be possible to do a combination of methods?  Let me explain.  If I do a wind down routine that includes just sitting in the chair with her until she's almost asleep and then lay her down in bed and use WI/WO  or PD and over the next month or so start laying her down a little bit earlier and earlier.....would that work, do you think, or should I just go ahead and start with PD or WI/WO?

She's a pretty bright little girl and picks up on limits rather quickly...still tests them at times, but generally listens when Mommy says "no."  I have a feeling that I'll be training myself to be more consistent than training her through this!

And once this starts, what part does DH play?  He tries so hard with her, but she just doesn't settle well with him and she most definitely prefers Mommy over Daddy.  She cried inconsolably for 40 minutes when I left last night for a function at church.  I think it's just a stage where it's really noticeable now, but she has always been a Mommy's girl to some extent.

I'll try using one of her stuffed animals with her.  She's got a bear that she used to play with but not so much anymore, and she has a baby doll that she carries all over the place, but she's not soft.  I usually just try and put her blankie in her hands again when I don't let her play with my hair.

I'm hoping to have a plan in place and start it next week.  I so appreciate having someone else to stand with me as we do this.  The support will be so helpful.  Thanks so much!

[Layla]

I think its possible to hold her until she is drowsy and then lay her down & finish off with pd or wi/wo. As long as she is not falling asleep on you its fine imo. It doesn't have to be a soft toy. If she carries her doll around, let her take it to cot. Just something that she is already attached to or will attach to so its more or less like replacing yourself & its not too hard on her.

If you want DH to be involved, he will have to do pretty much the same thing you are doing. Isabella is not really fussed who puts her to sleep but the baby is dead set on just mummy so there is no way I would be able to leave her to dh. If Allie is responding better to you, maybe you do the bedtime for now & eventually include dh into it. One thing at a time.

Let me know how you go
Layla

[AlliesMom]

Ok...so here's the report on day one.

I decided to hold her for a little while until she's tired...in her room with the shades pulled.  Then I was going to sit by the side of the crib and do PD until she fell asleep.  For her first nap this morning, I held her for 5 minutes and laid her down.  I had to put her back down about 10 times or so.  She whined a little but didn't cry too hard.  It took 15 minutes before she fell asleep.  I thought that was pretty good, except that she woke up in 20 minutes and wouldn't go back to sleep.  She started talking and looking really wide awake, so I thought I'd put her down for her afternoon nap a little early.

The afternoon session didn't go as well on one hand, but ended better than the morning nap.  It took 30 minutes of crying and loud complaining and one episode of throwing up, but she did fall asleep on her own and stayed asleep for 2 hours.  I even got a short nap.

Tonight I put her to bed as soon in the evening as I could (in bed asleep by 7:30..which due to the time change feels like 6:30 to her); however, she fell asleep while she was drinking her bottle.  So I just laid her down.  She's woke up once since then and I just went up there and told her to lie down.  She played with her own hair and fell back asleep.

So far, so good.  I'm happy with how it's going.  She was a little cranky and tired today, but really it was not at all as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Thanks for the support!

[Layla]

Wow Dawn  . That sounds great!!! A 2hr nap in the afternoon would have given her really good rest! Keep at it and keep posting your progress.

Looking forward to hearing from you
Layla

[AlliesMom]

Ok..here's the report on day 2.

Her first nap this morning was great!  I put her in bed after sitting with her for a few minutes and told her that she had to lay down because it was nap time.  She sat right up and looked at me and cried a whimper or two without much strength to it.  I repeated my phrase and she bounced up and down a little, then laid right back down and within 5 minutes was alseep!  I was ecstatic!  However, she only slept 20 minutes again.  Shouldn't she be sleeping for an hour or so?

The rest of the day was a bust because I had to run errands and had a doctor appointment and this is my only day with the car this week.  (My husband and I share one vehicle.)  Anyway, she napped a little in the car seat and fell asleep drinking her last bottle again tonight.  So far, she's only woken up whimpering once but went right back to sleep for me when I went up there (within a couple of minutes.)

We'll try again tomorrow and let you know how it goes.   

[Layla]

You know its ideal for them to have 1hr nap BUT at 12 months I was cutting Isabellas nap to 45mins and then 30 and then 20 so that she would take a longer afternoon nap. If she is ok with 20mins and has a good nap in the afternoon and sleeps well at night then I would leave it.

Let me know how you go
Layla

[AlliesMom]

Here's day 3....

It was kind of strange today.  I laid her down for her morning nap at 10am.  She cried just for a few seconds and was asleep in 3 minutes.  It was really nice!  Then I went to lie down since I had been up with her for two hours in the middle of the night.  I think it's teething issues and she just doesn't sleep as well then and doesn't go back to sleep easily either.  Anyway, I was exhausted and thought even 20 minutes would be good.  At 30 minutes into her nap, she cried out for a few seconds but then I heard nothing else.  I must have drifted off again and she didn't wake up until an hour later.  It was a nice nap for me, but I wondered what it would do for the afternoon nap.

I laide her down a little later for her afternoon nap since she was so awake and had slept longer in the morning.  It was about 2pm or so.  She fussed around for while and then drifted off.  She woke up every 20 minutes for the next hour and cried until I went in there, gave her the paci again and told her to lie down and she'd drift off again.  Finally after that happened 3 times, I got her up and carried her downstairs with me (since my husband was coming home from work early so we could run an errand and she needed her 3pm bottle) and she drifted off again in my arms.  So I just held her for a bit (another 30 minutes or so, I think) until my husband called and she woke up.

My hubby put her to bed tonight since I was at a Bible study.  She woke up twice for him.  I'm not sure what he did when he went up there, and she's woken up once more since I've been home and I had to sit by the side of her crib for about 25 minutes until she finally drifted back off.  She's been waking up at 8am in the morning like clockwork.

How much sleep should she be getting?  And how much as naps and then at night?

I feel like we're making good progress though.  I don't hardly ever have to put her back down anymore, just say my little phrase and she whines, but then lays down on her own.

[Layla]

The av night sleep for 12mo is 11.5hrs and they usually have 2 naps. One in mid-morning for around 1hr and an afternoon nap of around 1.5hrs. If she is taking 1hr nap thou in the morning and is fighting the pm nap then I would cut the morning nap down to 45mins. The 2-1 nap transition starts around 12months so most find that they have to cut the morning nap to get a decent afternoon nap. I hated waking my lo but it was way better to wake her up than have her not sleep all afternoon or take a little 45min nap and then be up at night.

[AlliesMom]

It's been a couple of days since I posted.  Things have been busy around here!  She hasn't been waking up as much at night over the last few nights.  Her nap schedule was shot to pieces over the weekend due to errands all day Saturday and church on Sunday (today).  She just goes with the flow though and doesn't seem to mind much.  I'll be getting back into a more normal schedule tomorrow again. 

What I'm wondering now is, when do I start walking out of the room?  I had to sit with her for an hour on Friday night before she finally fell asleep and Friday was pretty normal for naps except that since we had to run my husband to church to leave for the Men's Retreat at 6pm, she caught about a 30 min nap in the truck and I think that was part of the problem with getting to sleep.  Anyway, sitting by the side of the crib for an hour is not fun.  Usually it doesn't take that long, but the ultimate goal is getting to the point where I can put her down and walk out of the room and she'll put herself to sleep right?  I'm assuming the next step is WI/WO but I'm not sure when to start that.

Regardless, I'm happy with the progress and excited with having a little more free time!   Thanks for your help!